Tea

 Me: Give me a second to throw this tea in the microwave.

Austin: No, be gentle. Ceramic is breakable.

Munchies

 Me, roving the kitchen cupboards for food: I’ve got the munchies.

Austin, throwing his arms over his head: Don’t eat me!

Romance

 Austin: How did I get so lucky?

Me: Well, it was a long haul and a lot of work, but astrology said we were a fantastic match and I believe in pseudoscience.

Poop

 Me: I know you don’t want to hear about this, but I had the most colossal poop. And poop. And poop. And details. And size and shapes and more poop and let me tell you more about the poop. Lots and lots of poop.

Austin: I’m hacking your account and putting this on Facebook.

Big 5-0

 After sex, Austin was talking about how tired he was, lounging across the room. I was lying in bed.

Austin: I’m forty. I don’t have the energy.

Me, unable to force myself out of bed: I’m tired too. I’m fifty. I’m more tired than you.

Austin: Now you know what I’ve had to put up with for the past ten years.

Just for that, I got up and went over and punched him.

Almonds

 Me: I’ve been eating your almonds.

Austin: Please do. They’re really hard on my teeth.

Me: The teeth you paid $$$ for?

Austin: The last time I broke off a piece of tooth, it was from eating almonds. Now they scare me.

Me: Candy coated almonds?

Austin nods adamantly.

Me: I’m going to start hiding baggies of almonds around your room.

Austin: No!!!

S'mores Accident

 Me: I’ve got chocolate on my pants.

Austin: It’s fine. I’m sure it will wash out.

Me: Chocolate belongs in my mouth, not on my pants.