Moldy Pita

 Austin: Oh no! This pita has mold on it!

Me: I imagine it’s like anything; it gets old.

Austin: You don’t have mold on you.

Pink & Swollen

 I fell on the ice.

Me: My knee is pink and swollen.

Austin: My belly is pink and swollen.

Love Language

 Austin: Have I told you how lucky I am to have you and how happy you’ve made me lately?

Me: Not lately. You did threaten to kill me and dump my body in a ditch last night.

Austin: That’s my love language and you know it.

Winter Weather

 We’ve got a major weather advisory for our area.

Austin, as we’re driving home: I’m worried about driving to and from DnD tomorrow night. But then, I’ve driven in worse.

Me: Yeah, but now you’re over forty.

Austin: Don’t make me pull this car over. It’s after dark. No one will find your body for days.

Fat Cardinal

 Me: Wow, that is one fat cardinal.

Austin: It’s winter. It needs the extra weight to keep it warm. Besides, the camera adds 10 pounds. When you figure how much a cardinal weighs, that 10 pounds adds a lot.

Post-Holiday Blues

 Me: I’m bored and restless. I’m not sure what I’m going to do today.

Austin: I’ve got delicates that need washed. And you could also wash the dishes.

Schrödinger’s Potato Chips

 Me: You’re going to smash potato chips if you carry your bag like that.

Austin: Potato chips are more resilient than you think. As long as they’re unopened, none of them are smashed. It’s not till they’re opened that some of them are broken. Like Schrödinger ‘s cat. They are both broken and whole until you remove them from the bag.