Cold Hands

 We are experiencing inordinately cold weather. Austin snuggled up to me and put his cold hands on my arms.

Austin: I’m cold.

Me: I can feel that.

Austin: I’m warming them up on your body.

Me: I notice you aren’t using my heart for that.

Bobby Pins

 My husband stopped me in the bathroom.

Austin: How do you use a bobby pin?

Me, too dumbfounded to answer.

Austin, holding it upside down: Is this how you open it?

I turned it around and gave it back to him.

Austin: Oh. Thank you.

Seriously, does anyone need instruction on this?

Funeral

 Around spring time and Mother’s Day, Austin and I become more morbid than usual. My mother has been deceased for several years and Austin’s mother is elderly. So we were talking about death and dying. We went as far as talking about our funeral arrangements and what music we’d like played. Incidentally, I’d like to”So Long, Old Friend” from the Here Comes Garfield cartoon to be played. Austin wants Ashokan Farewell.

In the midst of this conversation, we got sidetracked and started talking about dick pics and how women don’t like them, but men do and why do men keep sending them when it is a fact universally acknowledged that women don’t like them.

Austin: I don’t take dick pics. And I would never send them to you. I’ve got no interest in anything like that.

Me: I seem to recall a couple of times you wanted to take some frisky bedroom videos with me.

Austin: Those have been deleted.

Me, suspiciously: Oh really?

Austin: Yeah, unless they accidentally come up in the shuffle of a funeral montage. 

Yoga

 So last week I loaned my car to a friend. There were a lot of headaches aligning delivery of the car and Austin picking me up. So this week, the friend arranged to return the car to me. All three of us do yoga together. Usually, Austin and I go together, then Austin goes to the steam room after and I read while I wait. But, since friend X was returning the car to me, I was going to get to drive home immediately after. I asked Austin about getting groceries, since we were driving home separately. A lot of arrangements were made. Austin was present when friend X returned my keys and said good-bye.

When I go home, my phone naturally came out of sleep mode and all of these notifications started beeping. I had 4 texts and 2 calls from Austin.

Austin: Where are you? 

Missed call from Austin.

Austin: I’ve looked everywhere for you.

Missed call from Austin.

Austin: Are you doing something with friend X?

[Ten minutes has elapsed between all these texts and calls.]

Austin: Oh yeah. Never mind. 

Salad

 Me, I don’t like avocado: I noticed that you put a big glop of avocado in my salad.

Austin: That wasn’t avocado. That was my love for you.

Me: It was green and slimy.

Austin: Exactly. That’s my love.

Big, Fat Fly

 So, there have been three big fat flies around our house just buzzing around and driving me nuts. I finally caught one in Austin‘s measuring cup that he uses to make London mules. He uses it to measure out the simple syrup, so it is filled with sugary stickiness, and a big fly was in it. I took the measuring cup and dipped it into a basin of water in the sink and held it there trying to drown the fly, but I was starting to feel guilty about murdering a fly. So I got a sponge and just smashed the fly on the side of the cup, so I was telling Austin the story…

Austin, horrified: Did you wash my measuring cup after that.

Me: Of course. You know me.

Austin: I do know you. That’s why I’m asking.

Exploding Diarrhea

 Me: I had exploding diarrhea this morning. That was fun.

Austin: Well, as long as you were having fun, that’s what’s important.