Funeral

 Around spring time and Mother’s Day, Austin and I become more morbid than usual. My mother has been deceased for several years and Austin’s mother is elderly. So we were talking about death and dying. We went as far as talking about our funeral arrangements and what music we’d like played. Incidentally, I’d like to”So Long, Old Friend” from the Here Comes Garfield cartoon to be played. Austin wants Ashokan Farewell.

In the midst of this conversation, we got sidetracked and started talking about dick pics and how women don’t like them, but men do and why do men keep sending them when it is a fact universally acknowledged that women don’t like them.

Austin: I don’t take dick pics. And I would never send them to you. I’ve got no interest in anything like that.

Me: I seem to recall a couple of times you wanted to take some frisky bedroom videos with me.

Austin: Those have been deleted.

Me, suspiciously: Oh really?

Austin: Yeah, unless they accidentally come up in the shuffle of a funeral montage. 

Yoga

 So last week I loaned my car to a friend. There were a lot of headaches aligning delivery of the car and Austin picking me up. So this week, the friend arranged to return the car to me. All three of us do yoga together. Usually, Austin and I go together, then Austin goes to the steam room after and I read while I wait. But, since friend X was returning the car to me, I was going to get to drive home immediately after. I asked Austin about getting groceries, since we were driving home separately. A lot of arrangements were made. Austin was present when friend X returned my keys and said good-bye.

When I go home, my phone naturally came out of sleep mode and all of these notifications started beeping. I had 4 texts and 2 calls from Austin.

Austin: Where are you? 

Missed call from Austin.

Austin: I’ve looked everywhere for you.

Missed call from Austin.

Austin: Are you doing something with friend X?

[Ten minutes has elapsed between all these texts and calls.]

Austin: Oh yeah. Never mind. 

Salad

 Me, I don’t like avocado: I noticed that you put a big glop of avocado in my salad.

Austin: That wasn’t avocado. That was my love for you.

Me: It was green and slimy.

Austin: Exactly. That’s my love.

Big, Fat Fly

 So, there have been three big fat flies around our house just buzzing around and driving me nuts. I finally caught one in Austin‘s measuring cup that he uses to make London mules. He uses it to measure out the simple syrup, so it is filled with sugary stickiness, and a big fly was in it. I took the measuring cup and dipped it into a basin of water in the sink and held it there trying to drown the fly, but I was starting to feel guilty about murdering a fly. So I got a sponge and just smashed the fly on the side of the cup, so I was telling Austin the story…

Austin, horrified: Did you wash my measuring cup after that.

Me: Of course. You know me.

Austin: I do know you. That’s why I’m asking.

Exploding Diarrhea

 Me: I had exploding diarrhea this morning. That was fun.

Austin: Well, as long as you were having fun, that’s what’s important.

Finger Wagging

 I complained to Austin because I had a couple of the people on my team come up flagged for performance, so I had to wag my finger at them ....

Austin: X doesn't appreciate how lucky she is that you work from home. 

Me, smirking.

Austin: I'm serious. Your finger wagging is dangerous. Send her a picture. You could cut her.

Cat Food

 Austin is having a harder time with Meatless March than I am. Since I'm working, he's doing all the cooking.

Austin: I haven’t made plans for dinner for the next few days.

Me: So I’m supposed to fend for myself? I’ve been killing myself between the animals and overtime.

Austin: I could open a can of cat food for you.

Me: Meatless March.

Old Falls Inn

 Driving out of Zanesville.

Austin: I don’t was to falls in. I don’t want to falls inn. [Fake screaming]

Me: What are you going on about?

Austin: We just drove past the Old Falls Inn. [He starts screaming again] I don’t want to falls in!

Me: Don’t worry, I’ll push you.

Meatless March

 While watching Apothecary Diaries.

Austin: I regret pushing you to do Meatless March.

Me: I’m fine. [For now.]

Austin: Watching MaoMao just now reminds me of how similar the two of you are. Forcing you to go vegetarian for a whole month is like forcing a cat to take a bath.

Austin and I Have Colds

 Austin: I learned—

Me: You learned?!?!

Austin: I learned that if you put Vicks VapoRub on your chest, you better wash your hands thoroughly; otherwise, next time you go to bathroom, you’re going to hurt yourself.

Ethel the Demon Cat

 My cat Ethel, who used to be over 20 lbs., fits in my slipper. Almost. Is it exercise and a new lust for life? Or something demonic? You decide.

Hard

 I think Austin wanted to tell me something last night.

Yoga

 Me: Next weekend is Valentine’s Day. Do you still want to sign up for yoga?

Austin: Sure. Maybe they’ll have hot naked couples yoga.

Puppy Pad

 Me: I assume it was Tess (the dog) who used a puppy pad last night.

Austin: I wouldn’t know. I wasn’t awake. All I know is it wasn’t me.

Have I?

 Me: have I told you how much I love you today?

Austin: No.

Me, as snow is coming down, 10 inches so far: I love you more than the snow that’s on the ground.

Austin: Don’t worry, it will melt in no time.

Free Oreos

 I haven’t played this game for a while, but some things amuse me too much. Austin and I routinely get free Oreo coupons from Kroger. And I routinely give them to the YMCA or the workers at the local post office. BUT apparently I have received a request.