Austin and I are taking a couple of mini-vacas in August.
Me: X is busy August fourth through the seventh. She’s also house sitting for another friend August eleventh through the fourteenth.
Austin: Well, you need to tell X that she needs to recognize who her real friends are.
Me, picking up my phone to text X.
Austin: Don’t tell her I said that.
Austin: X likes waxing so much. I’m thinking of making the switch.
Me, a little shocked, but then I roll my eyes: X is a masochist.
Austin: I’m married to you, so I am too.
I have retinitis pigmentosa. I’ve known my whole life, but I was told that it was a mild form and I wouldn’t go blind. Well, at my last visit with the ophthalmologist, he said that the vision in my eye was so bad, that there was a danger of retinal tearing, that I might in fact go blind, at least in one eye.
Our dog Sarah is blind and she isn’t bothered by it, but she’s a dog.
Me: I won’t be able to drive anymore. I won’t be able to go to the grocery store by myself on the weekdays like I like. We’d have to go together.
Austin: Nah, I’d go alone. Unless I can put you on a leash and drag you around the way we do with Sarah.
The hubs pulls out one of this Greek yogurt containers.
Austin: Oops, this one has an expiration date of May sixth.
Me: Well, that’s only a couple weeks. Yogurt is like wine, the cultures have more time to grow. Should be okay.
Austin, a few minutes later: It tastes okay. Now, if I fall on the floor, writhing in pain—
Me: We have lunch with X. We’d have to cancel.
Austin: You’d go without me.
Me: You’re right. I would.
There’s a clue in “mayonnaise.”
Me: Does this say Hellmann’s?
Austin: Of course it does.
Me: That doesn’t look anything like “Helllman’s”
Autsin: Yes, it does. The H is just a little wonkey.
So, I gave Austin the run down on how to use the weed eater and not break the cord.
Austin: Okay. If I break the cord, I’ll let you know.
An hour in and many breaks later, also some whining.
Austin: I broke the cord. Can you help me?
So I fix it.
Austin: That looks really easy.
Me: It is. [I explain how easy it is.]
Austin: Next time it breaks, I’ll have you show me.
Me: Well, it probably won’t break again for a while.
Not five minutes later.
Austin: Honey.
So I show him how to fix it.
Austin: Okay, that’s really easy. I can do that. But next time, I’ll want your supervision, just to make sure I’m doing it right.
Me: I don’t have super vision. I have 40/20 vision and that’s with brand new glasses.
Not ten minutes later.
Austin: Honey.
I just spent over $100 on a couture chocolate collection. For some reason, this led into a long conversation about restricted diets and limited food consumption, food elimination
A lot of my friends have developed dietary restrictions. Once upon a time, you were old in your 40s, but it doesn’t seem that way to me now. I have a few friends who are glucose-free, lactose intolerant. I have a friend who caught a rare disease after traveling and is on the FODMAP diet FOR LIFE and another who is stuck on a strict Mofitt diet. And then I have an older friend whose kidney function is poor and is on a strict diet for that.
Austin: A lot of people have food allergies. Imagine if you were allergic to chocolate.
Me: I had a friend who was allergic to chocolate in school.
Austin: Some people have horrible allergies like that. X’s kid was allergic to eggs when he was little. They couldn’t have eggs for a long time. You’re the only person I know allergic to coffee.
Me: I know a couple of people, besides me. But they drink it anyway.
Austin: Really? I know more people allergic to chocolate. But seriously, imagine it. If you had to give up chocolate. You life depended on it. You would die if you ate chocolate.
And I did think about it. Because continued from above, I also have a lot of friends with diabetes. My entire life I’ve known people with diabetes. My grandmother was diabetic and baked cakes for a living and… um, the doctor would have to give her long heart-to-hearts. And a couple of years ago a friend died of heart disease because he couldn’t get his diet in line.
And on and on and on.
Me: I would die.
Austin came down the stairs. I was reading on the couch, nibbling at a bagel.
Austin: What are you doing up so early?
I check the clock. It’s after 10:00.
Me: It’s not early.
Austin: Oh. You’re just like a dream. I thought I was still sleeping.
Me: Don’t say crap like that while I’m eating. I’ll choke.
