Sidewalks

 The village is putting in sidewalks at the school. Long overdue.

Austin: Those sidewalks are too wide. Children will be able to walk side by side. It will lead to promiscuity in our young generation.

Poop Your Heart Out

 Austin took our dog Tess out and she peed. Shortly after he brought her back in, she indicated she needed to go out.

Austin: She was just out.

Me: I’m not going to have an accident in the house.

Austin: She doesn’t need to go.

But I took her out anyway. Tess pooped in one spot, trotted to another part of the yard, pooped again, then found another spot and pooped again.

Me, bringing Tess in: Tess just pooped her heart out.

Austin: Oh no! It’s not supposed to come out of that end. Could she get it back in? 

Butt Wiping

 Last year this time, Austin and I were in Washington with friends and their son, who was three and new to potty training at the time. We are making plans to go back next year. Their son will be five.

Me: At least little X will be able to wipe his own butt.

Austin: Five year olds still have potty accidents.

Me: I won’t be wiping his butt. I don’t want to wipe a butt ever again.

Austin: You might have to wipe my butt someday. I might drool and have snot that needs wiped up.

Me: If I have to wipe you up, I’m going to go directly from your butt to your mouth to your nose.

Ant Murder

 Austin and I have a policy that we don’t kill invading insects, spiders, etc. We put them outside when possible.

Me: I just killed an ant. I couldn’t get around it.

Austin: Well, it sounds like it was a crime of passion. As long as you didn’t leave any fiber or DNA evidence, you should be fine.

Groceries

 Austin, picking up a couple of bags of chips on clearance: These chips are such a great price, I can’t pass them up. But DnD keeps getting cancelled. I can’t eat two bags of chips by myself, but it nags at me.

Me: Like you married them?

Noodles

 Austin: We need to use these noodles. But I also feel like noodles never go bad. I also have those udon noodles. I can’t wait to experiment with them.

Me: I don’t like udon noodles.

Austin: I love them. I’m surprised you don’t.

Me: I don’t like thick noodles.

Austin: I’m a thick noodle.

Me: You’re a wet noodle.

Explosive Diarrhea

 One of our former co-workers died recently.

Me, hugging Austin: I don’t want you to die until after I’m already gone.

Austin: Then you want me to be alone.

Me: No. I want you to die shortly after me.

Austin: I’ll be ripped apart by wolves.

Me: Then you can be with me. And Mom will be there.

Austin: I don’t know about that. If I’m ripped apart by wolves, I might not look that great.

Me: You don’t look that great now.

Austin: Thanks. I hope you die of explosive diarrhea.