Gas

 Me: Our gas bill is up this month. It’s almost twice our normal bill. I figure it’s because it’s our budget anniversary month.

Austin: I just figured it was because of all those tacos we ate this weekend.

Calcium

 I take calcium supplements. I was complaining about them.

Austin: Take a break from them. Soften your bones.

Me: Hard bones for a hard heart.

Austin: I want your bones soft. So it will look more like an accident when I push you down the stairs.

Breast Implant

 Austin: Look at this lone mushroom growing up in our yard. It looks like someone discarded a breast implant in our yard. 

Naked Feast

While defrosting chicken breasts, Austin makes some innuendos that are predictable. I growl at him.

Austin: I’m a naked feast of eye candy.

Me: I’m on a diet.

To-Do List

 I have a four-day weekend, so I have a long to do list. 

Me: I need to clean the drains and the toilets, I need to get into the yard and cut down the weeds. I also need to caulk the tub tonight while you’re gone. 

Austin: You’ll want to wash the dishes too.

Me: “Want” is the wrong description.

Catsup

 Me, as the fridge won’t close: I’ve tried everything to get the catsup to stand up in the door, but it keeps falling over. 

Austin: If you want to catch up to stand up, use tomato paste. 

Me, face palm: Ba-dum-dum.

Austin: I heard it from a reliable sauce.

The Ski Machine

 Austin: That ski machine is a $?!:%*. A heartless /%*!?. Just like you.

Me: I’ll talk to her.

Austin: No, ‘cause then the two of you will become friends.

Threats with Knives

 Our AI assistant asked if I would take a cross country cycling trip, so I said yes.

Austin: Yes? You wouldn’t make it across the state. I’d have to pick your carcass up before the vultures get you.

Me: I don’t need an electric knife. I can use one from the butcher’s block to stab you.

Austin: I used one from the block after the electric knife died. I cut the watermelon up all pretty and symmetrical. Not like you with a spoon, ripping its innards out.

Me: Like the psychopath gutting its victim.

Taking Out the Dog

 Me: I took Tess out.

Austin: Did you bring her back in? 

A minute later, Austin: Did you take her to dinner and a movie? Did you show her a good time?

Me: A better time than you would have.

Austin: Oh, ouch!