Fart

 Me, farting: Sorry about that.

Austin: I thought it was a dog barking.

Have I told you today?

 Me: Have I told you today that I love you?

Austin: Yes.

Me: Oh. Never mind. I don’t want to overdo it.

Dying

 Me: I feel like I’m dying.

Austin: Is there anything I can do to help…speed the process along?

Eggnog

 Me, showing my tiny cup of eggnog: This galf a cup of eggnog is 180 calories.

Austin, taking the cup and drinking half: Now it’s 150 calories.

Me: Knowing you, it’s now 200 calories.

MRI

 Me: The MRI scans show my brain is normal.

Austin: Have them run it again.