Grizzly Adams

Austin's beard looks a little gnarled, so I compared him to Grizzly Adams.

Austin: Who's that?

Thank you for making me feel old.

Me: He's sort of like Bear Grylls.

Austin: Does he drink his own urine too?

Me: No. He hangs out with bears and is a general nature guy.

After a pause, Austin: I think I'd rather hang out with bears than drink my own urine.

Me: Me too.

Riesling

I asked Austin to pick up some Barefoot Riesling, because I like to have it on hand for spaghetti sauce. Or in case I suddenly decide to become a raging alcoholic.
Well, the grocery was out of Barefoot. So Austin thought this an equitable replacement.

November 28

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago (OK, three years ago) I was not thinking of Emun Elliott's birthday at all on November 28.

November 28, 2014,  I wore my black Halloween sweatshirt in protest of Black Friday and all this Christmas nonsense starting so early. No one noticed. 

Austin: You need to step up your game.

BTW, Happy Birthday to Emun Elliott!

Happy Birthday, Mommy!!!!

Today is Mom's birthday and she's had her birthday restaurant picked out for at least a month. At 9:30, Austin still wasn't up so I went in to check on him.
Austin: That's today? I thought your mom was born on the twenty-eighth.
Me: No, that's Emun Elliott. Mom's is today.
So Austin goes back to sleep. I cuddle up on the bed and play on his iPad.
Austin, a few minutes later: Can you move? I want to get up. You're on the blankets.
So I get up. He yanks the bedding up and rolls over and goes back to sleep. He's up now.

Pumpkin Pie

Baking a pumpkin pie this morning, the center just wouldn't solidify and the edges were starting to crack. Every two minutes, I was checking it.
Me: I can't get this pie to set in the middle.
Austin: I'm sure it will taste great.
Me: I'm not worried about the taste. I can't serve a dry cracked pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.
Austin: Your pumpkin pies are fantastic, delicious.
Me: Thanks.
Austin: Every time we bring one to Mom's the first thing my mom says when you leave the room is that your pumpkin pie is dried and cracked.

I was obsessing over this pie. I forgot to turn it during the baking, so one side was burned, the other not. Austin gave me grief because I was busting off the crust edges where it had burned.

Me: I'm not taking a burned crust to your mother's house.

Austin: Don't be so hard on yourself. Mom has had a lot worse things in her house than this.

Fondly, I thought of some of the cooking experiments that have graced our Thanksgivings.

Austin: Like my brother's fiancee.

Forty

Watching Iron Fist, Austin: If he was 15 years old fifteen years ago, that would make him 30. No way. The guy playing that character is older than that. He looks 40. If he's thirty, he's a smoker, he's not using facial cream.
Me, checking the actor on IMDB: He was born in 82, so he's 35.
Austin: Oh my god, you're kidding. He's two years older than me. Do I look that bad? (slides to the mirror) I have wrinkles around my eyes like that. I've got a paunch too. Do I look forty? Do you think people think I'm forty?

Breath mints

Austin: Do you have any breath mints?

I hand Austin my Listerine Strips pack.

Austin: Thanks, I smell awful after eating all those onions.

Me: You always smell awful, I was just being nice.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Today, I'm thankful that my washing machine has been fixed. Three loads down, five to go.

I'm glad that my cat Clark is doing better. We had two cat deaths in October. Can't have another that close . . .

And I'm thankful that this man is older than me!  I was beginning to think all the cute ones were younger than me!

Oded Fehr

Today is his birthday. He's 47!!! Older than me!!!! Hooray!!!

Meatballs

I made these spaghetti parmigiana meatballs. I was pretty happy with how they turned out. Austin bit into one and started hacking.
Me: Are you OK?
Austin, still coughing.
Me: Austin?
Austin: I can't eat, talk and choke at the same time.

Triscuits

A box of off-brand Wheat Thins were in my food pile. I don't need Wheat Thins.
Me: Oh crud. I meant to put off-brand Triscuits on the list.
Austin: You did.
I didn't say a word, but Austin recently told me that my expressions are transparent.
Austin: What's wrong?
Me, grudgingly: Those are off-brand Wheat Thins.
Austin: What are Triscuits?
Me: You know Shredded Wheats?
Austin: The basket-weave ones. I almost got those. I'm so sorry.
Me, hugging him: It's all right. I'm just shocked that you don't know what Triscuits are.

Frankendessert

Austin & I were watching Zumbo's Just Desserts. The challenge is making Frankendesserts. Everyone is combining the names of their desserts, Wagon Wheel and Lamington, Wamington, etc.

Austin: If I was in that contest, I'd mix a Frankendessert and a tart and I'd call it a fart.

Whoopsie

I missed posting on 11/19 . . .

So, my husband's core group of friends are gay. One of his closest friends is a drag king. So, in support of her work, he went to one of her shows. Naturally, the people who go to these shows tend to be gay. He was telling me and Mom about his night.

Austin: We were playing a game, 'If you're gay and you know it, clap your hands.' And everyone claps. 'If your straight and you know it clap your hands.' I was the only one who clapped. The MC said, 'Really? With that hair?' And I said, 'Yes, really. I'm married.' They asked who I was married to, so I said, 'The most wonderful woman in the world!' And they gave me a free drink!
Mom: You had to lie for that one.

One Year Key Chain

I was telling Austin about the mini-NOC awards session we had today. A manager and Icarus each gotten their one year key chain.
Me: I remember getting my one year key chain.
Austin: You've probably been at jcp for as long as Icarus has been alive. 

*^)#^*&(*&@%%^&

Fine Chocolate

Me: That's one thing I get testy about with X and Y. They'll talk about fine chocolate and then they'll say Godiva. Like Godiva is the epitome of fine chocolate. I like Godiva and all, but that's just the tip of the ice burg when it comes to fine chocolate. There are so many wonderful chocolate boutiques.
Austin: Like Vosges.
Me: Yeah. You know you're a chocaholic when you plan vacations around the chocolate shops you're visiting. You should see the maps and the chocolate shops I've plotted for visits to New York and Chicago.
Austin: Or your receipts showing you've spent as much in a single day on chocolate as most people buying a new phone.
Me, laughing.
Austin: Or a month's rent.
Me, still laughing.
Austin: You know you have.

Sexy Man

Me: What a gorgeous, sexy man I've married.

Austin: You married someone else?

Me: I didn't want to tell you.

Austin: I think that's illegal.

Me, shrugging.

Austin, hugging me: I just want you to be happy.

Me: Thank you.

And because when I say sexy man, that always brings up images of Emun Elliott, here you go:

 

Nightgown

Me: Did I leave my nightgown in here?
Austin, fetching it: Yes. I was trying it on. It's pretty comfy.
Me: I'll bet it's pretty too.
Austin: It is. I took pictures.
Me: Be sure to forward them to me so I can post them on Facebook.
Austin: That was precisely why I took pictures.

Giving Austin Away

Once again, a co-worker was saying how wonderful Austin is and how mean I am to him.

Me: You don't live with him.

Co-worker: If you want to trade, you can have mine. The one who's in the hospital right now and having tests done to find out why he's dizzy and lost feeling in his limbs.

Me: I want to give Austin away. Not swap.

ATM

Austin got several hundred dollars out of the ATM on our way home and stuffed it in his wallet.

Me: You aren't going to count it?

Austin: I trust the machine.

More laughter from the peanut gallery.

Me: I married an idiot.

Then Mom laughed at me because I apologized for calling Austin an idiot.

Getting Gas

On the way home, Austin needed gas and I mentioned that we should stop at Kroger, so we get three cents off with our Kroger Plus card, so Austin turns into the lot and starts heading for the store.

Me, looking at the pumps behind us, perplexed: What are you doing?

Austin, looking back at the pumps: Oh yeah.

Laughter from the peanut gallery in the backseat.

Me: I half-expected him to have a good answer.

Choosing Lunch

So at the restaurant, I couldn't decide if I should have steak or chicken. So I got out my trusty quarter and flipped it. And Mom made fun of me for it.

Me: Look, I use a quarter to make a lot of important decisions. When I was first dating Austin, I used the quarter to make lots of decisions about our relationship.

Mom, to Austin: And you lost.

Eating Out

Austin & I decided to eat at the local Japanese steakhouse today and Austin asked if I wanted to invite Mom. I said yeah, sure.

Austin: And maybe we can get her to pay.

So I go call Mom.

Mom: Yeah, I'd like to go. And I'll bet Austin would like me to pay.

Me: In fact, yes, Austin would like it if you paid.

Car Horns

I was telling Austin about this recent study I heard on the radio.

Me: Japanese scientists were studying sounds for horns to find out which was the most appealing and they decided duck quacking was the least stressful and the best. So cars of the future will quack like a duck.

Austin: Wait, what do cars have to do with sex? I mean, not the backseat.

Me: What? Where did you get sex from?

Austin: You said it.

Me: No. I was talking about car horns.

Austin: OOOOHHHH!!!! Horns, not porns. OK, that makes a lot more sense.

Occam's Razor

When I was getting out of the shower, Austin sprayed me with the shower head. And I yelled at him.

Austin: I was rinsing suds off of you.

Me: Yeah right.

Austin: Yeah, really. You know what Occam's razor says.

Me: I'll slit your throat with Occam's razor.

Bug Bite

Austin & I were taking a shower together, which we frequently do to save water and add intimacy to our relationship. I had a big red welt on my boob from a bug bite and Austin was staring.

Me: Yeah, I got bit on the tit.

Austin: I didn't do it.

Me: I know. This thing had teeth.

Premarital Sex

My nephew had a girlfriend for about a month, then they broke it off. He's 23, so he shouldn't just now be having his first girlfriend, but the boy has lived a sheltered life. I was telling Austin about it. BTW, my sister, brother-in-law and nephew are ridiculously religious.

Austin: Why did they break up?

Me: She's had premarital sex.

Austin: Well, of course. She's 29.

Me: Yes. And my nephew said he was OK with that as long as she was sorry for her actions. And of course, she's not sorry.

Austin, dumbfounded.

Me: He intends to wait until he's married to have sex.

Austin: But—but sex is so wonderful. And what if your partner is awful?

Me: Most couples don't think sex is that big of a part of their relationship.

Austin: Well, yeah, that's true. But still, you want to know if you're sexually compatible. I mean, I can't imagine waiting till marriage. I mean, that's just ridiculous.

Me: Most people aren't in a relationship for six years before getting married.

Austin: But still. I mean, the first time really sucked and you're always going to be nervous and horrible your first time and really the first three or four times, but then you can start to figure things out. And what if it's horrible? What if you're stuck in a marriage for the rest of your life with someone who's bad at sex?

Honestly, sometimes I don't know what to say to him.

Icarus the Hair God

I mentioned that I was sitting across from Icarus at work for a meeting and noticed he had dark hair peering up from his chest in his slightly opened top button.

Austin: Of course. He's got a full beard and he's like, what, twenty-five?

Me: Yeah, but he's blond.

Austin: Doesn't matter. You can tell he's a hairy guy.

Me, rolling eyes.

Austin: He has a hairy back.

Me: Austin, I'm over him. You can stop. I was just mentioning.

Austin: That's the kind of hair that comes through your clothes. If you hugged him, you'd feel it on his back.

Me: Ooo, Austin. Gross. Stop it.

Austin: I'll bet his shirt is puffy from so much hair padding his body.

Snacking

Me, whining about eating something before going to my brother-in-law's bday bash.

Austin: Have some yogurt.

Me: I don't feel like yogurt.

Austin, pinching me.

Me: I knew you were going to do that.

Austin: Now you have the joy of being right.

Masculine Pads

Austin picked up some pads for me during my time of need. I scanned the receipt to see what I owed him, couldn't find them.

Me: Oh, feminine pads. As opposed to masculine pads.

Austin: If I wore them, they'd be masculine.

Me: No they wouldn't.

Entertainment

Me: Are you going to entertain me today?

Austin: If you mean have sex with you, yes, I'd love to have sex with you today.

And on a side note:

The big story on the radio this morning: The number one way to help save the planet, Don't have kids! 

Yea! Austin and I are saving the planet!!!

Halloween Costume

Austin told me to bring an extra set of clothes to work on Halloween in case I get uncomfortable and want to change and I told him no. Well . . . Halloween isn't so fun after a few hours.

Me: I'm not going to go so far as to say you were right--

Austin: I know you're not going to say I'm right.

Me, bursting into laughter.

Austin: So I'll say it. I was right.

Shaving

Austin: I shaved my beard.
Me: And yet, it's still on your face.
Austin: Of course, where else would it be? On my shoulder? On my forehead?
Me: In the trash.