Wolverine

So The Gifted is related to the X-Men so Austin and I got onto talking about the X-Men. We both agreed that neither of us are fans of Wolverine. Nightcrawler, Beast . . . but Wolverine?

Austin: I don't get the draw.

Me: I'm not much of a football fan, but I'm against Wolverine on principle.

Austin: I don't get it.

Me: Wolverine? Michigan?

Austin, blank stare.

Me: Michigan's mascot is the wolverine.

Austin: Oh. You know more than I do.

Me: When is this news?

AF

Austin's initials are AF. Mine are RL. Whateves. 

Austin's new boss keeps writing AF on all his memos. It was driving Austin nuts. He had nothing to do with these memos. So he finally burst out and asked why his boss kept putting AF after everything.

Boss: AF is as fuck.

Austin: Oh.

But he's still maintaining that these are his initials.

BTW, I got him this shirt of St. Patty's Day.

 

Another Episode

The latest episode we watched of The Gifted revolved around the main family, the Struckers, and their mutant members, how explosive they were. The end focuses on the brother and sister and how dangerous their powers are when joined.
Austin: It's a nuclear family.

The Gifted

Austin and I have gotten onto watching a show on Hulu, The Gifted. One character is working in a garden and her rival joins her.
Austin: Dig the hole bigger. She's never going to fit.
Me: I could make her fit.

Give Him a Hug

Austin and I have both left our former employer and both of us are much happier for it. Austin has a fantastic new job that pays more and is closer to home. And he's already been promoted into an awesome administrative job. Me, I'm taking a little time off and have a temp job lined up.

However, I keep up with former co-workers. Austin doesn't. One of the co-workers asked me to give him a hug for her. So I did.

Austin: Ahhhh! Give her a hug back.

And he hugs me, then squeezes my boobs.

Austin: That's from me too. She'll know who it's from.

Sigh. I make a note to tell the co-worker.

Austin: Don't actually squeeze her boobs.

Quiche

Austin: How do you like the quiche?

Me: Very good. A little heavy on the onions for me.

Austin: I also put in celery. It might be the celery you're tasting.

Me, giving him the look.

Austin: Or not.

Murder

Austin made a quiche. It was delicious!!! Except it had Swiss cheese. I'm allergic to Swiss cheese. 

I think my husband's trying to kill me.

Some Exciting News!

I shared some exciting news with Austin. And he was not impressed.

Me: You should be excited!

Austin: It's 7:40 in the morning. How excited do you think I can be?

Iced Tea Spoon

A few days ago, me, Mom and Austin ate out together. Mom's milkshake came with an iced tea spoon. Mom really liked it, so I told her she could have one of ours.
Austin: No, she can't. Those are mine.
Me: We have half a dozen.
Austin: And I use all of them.
Me: You wouldn't even notice if one was gone.
Austin: Yes I would. I know all of them and I'd notice if one was gone.
So I took one today. We'll see how long it takes him to notice. 

(It was a month when I got sick of waiting for him to notice and gave the spoon back.)

Freakish

Austin's been watching Freakish. About, SURPRISE! The zombie apocalypse. At an average high school. I've only watched a few minutes, but the acting is terribly melodramatic and the story line is clearly aimed at teens. Austin complains relentlessly about the show, but he keeps watching.

 

Austin: And the pregnant girl dies. Which shouldn't surprise me. You can't have a pregnant girl during a zombie apocalypse. It's just a bad idea. Crying baby? You're bait. You attract zombies. Any apocalypse, bad idea. You're bait. The only apocalypse this is good for is if man-eating aliens came down from the skies and started devouring our masses. Then having babies is a good idea, but only to keep our alien overlords fed.

Me: You know what that means.

Austin: Yeah, men would be eaten first. Only a few men would be kept alive for breeding stock. The young, the healthy. The virile.

Me: They're eating you first, Bubby.

9-1-1

Me: I'm going to the restroom. It might be serious.
Austin: Should I call 9-1-1?
Me: $&/;$?&

Crazy

Me: In all honesty, I don't think you're crazy for talking to the dog.

Austin: You think I'm crazy for other reasons.

Me: Exactly.

Self-Checkout

Using the self-checkout at Kroger.
Auto-attendant: Please place the last scanned item in the bag.
Me: It's in there.
Auto-attendant: Please return the item removed to the bag.
Me: I didn't take anything out of the bag, you stupid thing.
Austin: And you think I'm crazy for talking to the dog.

Onions

Austin: My fingers still smell like onions from when I was cutting them.
Me, shrieking: You cut your fingers and now they smell like onions!?!?!
Austin: Yes, my blood reeks of onions from eating them so much.

Me: Oh! My! God!

Happy St. Patty's Day!!!

Mom and I found this awesome St. Patty's Day hat for Austin while we were out. Then Mom noticed the tag said, "For Adults Only."
Mom: We'll have to put it back.

I'm Gonna P

Me: I'm gonna pee, then I'm going to go to bed.
Austin: That is the preferable order.

I'm Worthless Without You

Austin, raving about how much he missed me: I'm worthless without you. I just can't do anything if you're not here.
Me: You don't do much when I am here. I just follow behind you and clean up so it's not as noticeable.

A Shower

Me: I'm going to take a shower.
Austin: OK, but don't take it too far. I want a shower too. 

I told this to my male friend.

Friend X: Tell Austin that sometimes his humor is a bit "washed up"

Si Chef Cuts . . .

I took a minute, tried to decide how to add that I wanted Chef Cuts Beef Jerky to the grocery list, but only if it's $3.99 in French. Si Chef Cuts est $3.99, j'en voudrais.

Me: I was about to add Chef Cuts to the grocery list, but now you're up.

Austin: Yeah, yeah.

Me: I was going to write it in French. You could have Siri translate it.

Austin: She can't read your handwriting.

On the Computer

Me: I'm going to get on the computer.
Austin: OK, but don't stay on it too long. It's not a load-bearing device.

Waist

Our cat Thirteen was very sick, so we were giving him food on the floor. Unfortunately, the dog kept eating it.

Austin: Cassie doesn't want it to go to waste.

Me: Yeah she does; her waist.

Keurig

Me: Never mind that I'm allergic to coffee. Keurig has ruined it for me. Every time someone uses a Keurig to make a cup, it sounds like someone is peeing. And if that wasn't bad enough, when it's almost done, then it sounds like someone is slurping it up with a straw. 

Austin, hand over face.

We Love Teen Titans Go!

Austin's been watching Teen Titans Go on Hulu and raving about how much he loves it.
Austin: The show is so funny.
Me: I love all the songs in this version.
Austin: Yeah, they do have a lot of music. And there's also a lot of stupid and ridiculous episodes. But I can take a lot of stupid.
Me: Me too.
Austin, wagging his finger at me: Oh you.

Share My Wife

Me, mumbled: I'm glad to share my life with you.

Austin: I'm glad to share my wife with you too.

Me: Can we share it with anyone? Can I be shared with Emun Elliott?

Austin: If you can arrange it.

And because we can never have enough pics of Emun Elliott . . .

 

Tough Day

Austin's been going through a tough time and he was being all mamby-pamby and whiny and telling me how much he loves me and appreciates me.

Austin: I'm so glad you're here.

Me: This is my house.

iPhone Updates

Austin: My phone got another update. It can do all kinds of things now. It can translate anything I say into another language, I can use Apple Pay to pay any of my friends who have Apple Pay, I can write anything down and it will send it.
Me: Not with our handwriting.

Something Stupid

Austin: Can you come here for a minute? I need your opinion on something stupid.
Me: Isn't that always what you want my opinion on?
He wanted to know which color cape his character in a video game should wear.

That Time of the Month

Austin was logging into Paypal so he could pay me for the month's bills.

Austin: My phone's had an update. I can now have Siri pay you through Paypal.

Me: I don't want the ^&#% touching my money.

Blondies

Me, tossing ingredients in a bowl, reading directions, almost done: Oh, I was supposed to prepare a pan?

Our oven cooks hot, so I deducted a few minutes from the cooking time.

Austin: Be sure to check them at twenty minutes. We don't want them burned.

Austin made chicken jerky instead of chicken fingers on Monday.

Me: They're already done and are out of the oven. The blondies look beautiful.

Austin: Of course they do. That's why you married one.

Me: I knew you were going to say that.

Offer Help

Austin was working on a project and I offered to help.

Austin: Any help you give me would be very much appreciated. I just don't want to dump all my crap on you and annoy you.

Me: I'm a pretty forward. I'd tell you if you were annoying me. [Pause] Actually, I don't always tell you when you're annoying me.

Austin: You don't!!! Really!!! I thought you never missed an opportunity.

Austin as a Man

I knew it was going to do that . . .

I called Austin in, showed him what the app did to him.

Me: This is what you'd look like as a man.

Austin laughed and laughed.

...

Austin: I make a pretty good looking man.