Going Out

We were going to all go out together, but we weren't sure when we would be ready. So as we were walking out the door, I called Mom.

Me: We're ready. We're coming to get you.

Mom: That sounds ominous.

Dog Out

Austin: I let the dog out.
Me: I’m going to have to motivate myself to get up and get dressed soon. I need to take a walk and it’s supposed to rain and I want to do that before it's too late.
Austin: Well, if you do, look for the dog. I didn’t tie her up, I just let her out.

Sunshine

Austin: You are my sunshine.
Me: It is a dark place where you live.

Who's Dying

Me: Austin & I were discussing who was going to die first and he said he was and I said, "Oh no honey, I'm going first."
Mom: How'd you come to that conclusion?
Me: I'm not taking care of everything when he dies. I already deal with enough of his crap.
Mom: Well, if he dies first, you can always get him a deer costume and toss him by the side of the road.

Two-fitty

I discovered yesterday I’d lost five pounds. I promptly celebrated by going to lunch, eating lots of candy, then today having a heavy cheesy lunch and ice cream.
Austin: Yeah, I had ice cream too.
Me: I finished off the last of the hot fudge sauce.
Austin: That’s probably a good thing.
Me: You’re not my husband.
Austin: No, I’m not. I ate him.
Me: Oh, how much do I owe you for that?
Austin: Two-fitty. (A joke from South Park.)
Me: Okay. I gave you fifty cents from eBay sale, so that’s sitting on your desk. And I’ll go downstairs and get you the two bucks later.
Austin: Not two dollars and fifty cents. Two hundred and fifty dollars.
Me: Well, never mind then.

Big Face

Me: What are you doing?
Austin: Washing my face.
Me: Really? That’s all.
Austin: Why?
Me: You’ve been at it for a while.
Austin: I have a big face.
Me: You have a big &*^#.

Cupcakes for Work

Austin, grumping about buying cupcakes for work: [Long involved story about buying cupcakes.] Even worse, I told Siri to get me back to work, and apparently she thought I still work at JCP – so I got almost to Brice Road before I turned around – what should have taken my hour lunch took 90 minutes, so I will have to work through part of my lunch another day to make the time up…grumble… but I gave Siri a piece of my mind.

Me: Don't give her too much. You can't do without it.

Killing Me

Me: My hip has been killing me all day.
Austin: It hasn’t been doing a very good job, because you’re still alive.

Bathroom

Austin was taking a shower. I peeked my head into the bathroom.
Me: I’m gonna pee.
Austin: Do it in the toilet.
Me: You’re no fun.

Cheese Tray

Austin was talking about making a cheese tray for his get-together tomorrow. He was listing a bunch of items to put on it.
Austin: I don’t want to go too crazy.
And I laughed and laughed.

Mira on the Hollow

Me: What are you watching?
Austin, ignoring me.
I think I recognize the voice of Mira, so I look up MLP, then Ashleigh Ball, the voice of Rainbow Dash. Sure enough, she’s got a credit for Mira, the Hollow.
Me: Is that the Hollow?
Austin, looking at me like I’m crazy.
Me: It’s Rainbow Dash. So I looked it up. I like being right.
Austin: You don’t have to tell me that.

Chocolate

I was starting to wonder what was taking Austin so long. I was about to go downstairs when I heard Austin’s footsteps trudging back to me.
Me: And still you didn’t bring chocolate.
Austin: I don’t think I need chocolate today. So I was going to let you decide if we needed any chocolate.
Me: And you thought my answer would be no?

Austin Bragging

Austin was bragging at work that I was redoing the kitchen and that I make dinner for him every night, etc.
Austin’s boss: Must be nice to come home every night to a home cooked meal, everything taken care of.
Austin: I don’t go home. I just FaceTime her from my mistress’s house.

Netflix

Austin, pointing at Thor: Ragnarok on Netflix: I just watched that on the plane. Now it’s on Netflix.
Me: I would have told you that, but since you’ve been telling me everything on Netflix gets e-mailed to you, I decided not to.
Austin: So you forgot.

Cleaning House

As I’m pulling the border down and scraping paint, Austin mentions that everything on this shelf can go.
Me: The church is having a rummage sale this weekend. We can put it in there.
I hugged Austin.
Austin: And when you can’t easily strangle me, I’ll mention . . .
So I stop hugging him.
Austin: All the stuff on the walls.
All my cat stuff.
Austin: All that can go too.
A wise man to recognize the suggestion would get him killed.

Pizza

We’re having pizza for dinner.
Austin: Is that enough cheese?
Me: I like it when the pizza looks like a blizzard hit, so I can imagine yetis crawling through the hills.
Austin, adding more: There, yetis to your heart’s delight.

iPod

Austin: I’m so jealous of your iPod. It’s so cute and thin.
Me: That makes me jealous of my iPod.
Austin: Why?
Me: Cute and thin.

Accidents in the Yard

Me: I had to come in and hug you one more time before going out to work in the yard. I had a vision of me having an accident with the hedge trimmer, of it cutting my jugular, and dying in the yard. So I needed one more hug.
Austin: Don’t have that kind of accident in the yard. And don’t have any accidents in here.
Me, indicating Austin: There’s already too much accident in here.
Austin: Definitely don’t have that kind of accident in the yard.

Headlights

It was sprinkling on our way home from grocery shopping. Every few seconds, Austin would flip his windshield wipers.
Me: Are your headlights on?
Austin: No.
Me: If your wipers are on, your headlights should be on.
Austin: There aren’t any cops around. It’s barely raining.
The clouds open up and start dumping rain on us.
Austin, flipping on the headlights: God’s on your side.
Me: That’s right.

Chronic Pain

There was a commercial on the radio about chronic pain, that opiates weren’t the answer, that they lead to heroin abuse. The commercial suggested seeking physical therapy to end chronic pain.
Austin: I was told divorce was the answer.
Me: Mm-hmm.
Austin: I said, no way, Jose...Because the person who told me was Jose. Now I’m not friends with Jose.

Cut

Austin: I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Me: I'm gonna cut you.

The P Word

Me: I'm feeling a bit peckish. How about you?
Austin, prodding me in the arm: Nah. I'm feeling a bit pokish.

After Ren Fest

At McDonald’s, the syrup was being changed on Cherry Coke, so we elected to wait until it was done for the drinks. It was after Ren Fest and instead of pulling into the first drive-thru waiting space, I pulled into the second one.
Austin: The parking space was right there.
Me: This one is also a drive-thru space.
Austin: Oh. Well, we want you to be comfortable.
Me, tugging the laces of my Ren Fest dress, feeling a bit compressed after seven hours in the thing: Actually, I’m pretty uncomfortable right now.
Austin: I thought that was how you made others feel.

Kilt

Going to Ren Fest. As always, Austin was wearing his kilt.
Mom: What have you got under there?
Austin: Nothing. I’m going all authentic.
Mom: We don’t want that at Ren Fest.
Austin: No one will be disappointed.
Me: I will.
Austin: I’m joking. I’m too modest.
Me: No, you’re not.

Ren Fest

Austin, to my mom: I’m not sure how to get there [to Ren Fest]. You’ll have to tell me.
Me: Don’t open that door for Mom. She’d love to tell you what to do. If you’re going to open a door, push her out.

Shovelling

Me: I know it's going to melt, but I shoveled our sidewalk.
Austin: I think you should look up the liability laws. In some states, you don't actually have to shovel the walk, just so long as you make some kind of efforts. Like for the elderly. Like I could just shuffle around, just so long as I made some kind of effort. I think I might just pee in the snow, you know, write my name with the pee.

Austin's Sick

Austin has been sick for three days. :(
Austin: I feel okay today, I just have a horrible headache and I keep getting these hot flashes.
Me: That's menopause.

Green Glass

Austin: Don’t throw out the stuff in the glass in the kitchen.
Me: Why?
Austin: I can’t tell you.
Me, lift an eyebrow at of him.
Austin: It’s a top secret government experiment. That’s all I can say. Otherwise, I’ll be putting your life in danger.

Key & Heart

Austin: Well, you had the heart hanging there. It just seemed right to hang the key there too. Because you hold the key to my heart.
Me: Ahhhhh!!!!
Mom: Bleck.

Ren Fest 2017

While looking at old photos, my aunt found one of Austin from the Ren Fest 2017.

My Aunt: What a man.
Me: That's what I think all the time. Usually with my palm over my face.

Dark Souls

Austin’s playing Dark Souls and his character is wearing the mask of the child. I compared it to a Greek mask.
Austin: I’m a Greek samurai.
Me: You’re a Greek tragedy.