Sick Day

Austin was complaining about work and his manager and what his manager was going to do to him if he called in sick.
Austin: So basically, if I don’t show up, I’m going to have a difficult conversation and get a guilt trip. I have a wife. I’ve dealt with worse.
Me: I’m so much worse than anything your boss can do.
Austin: I know. I was telling that to Christina. She laughed. It’s funny because we’re married, not because it’s true.

Friends

FYI, my mother is 76, Shawn is 35 and Cody is 25.

Me: Shawn's little brother Cody wished Mom a happy birthday while we were at Kroger today.

Austin: That's nice. How'd he know it was your mom's birthday?

Both: Facebook.

Austin: You know, every time I go over to Shawn's house, Cody is there. He needs to get some friends his own age.

A Cup of W

Austin: I’m going to make myself a cup of coffee.
Me: I’d like a cup of tea.
Austin, hugging me: I’d like a cup of you.
Me: I’d like a cup of W.
Austin: Oh you, two of me.
Me: And then I ask myself Y.

Urination

I was in the restroom trimming my toenails and heard heavy footsteps stalking toward me. I look up and Austin was peering at me.
Austin: I wanted to go to the bathroom.
Me: I’m sure you’re perfectly capable.
Austin: I’ve been faking all these years. I fill a glass of water and pour it into the toilet to make the noise.

Videogame Boss

I was getting ready to go to bed. I went into Austin's room and he was intensely involved in a video game, Hollow Knight. I went over to hug him. Not only did he pull away from me, he actually growled. I have observed Austin playing this game before. There are a bunch of “bugs” that look a lot like bunnies, going through a dank cave. The art style is very anime and these adorable bug creatures make cute little noises as they jump around and go across the screen. Clearly Austin was in the midst of a boss battle. Cue me folding my arms and waiting.

Austin: Sorry about that. This boss had a needle and she was a lot harder to beat than I thought.

Me: They're bunnies. This boss [indicating me] here has needles, knives and golf clubs. You pause the game and hug her when she comes in to say goodnight.

Screwdriver

Me: Do you have a flat head up here?
Austin, tapping the top of his head: It’s more pointy.

Presently

Me: Since we’re not going grocery shopping today, what do you want to do?
Austin: I thought we were going to paint the hallway where the stairs are.
Me: When do you want to do that?
Austin: Whenever you want to do that.
Me: Whenever you want to do that is fine with me.
Austin: I just said whenever is fine with me.
Me: Well, we could do that presently.
Austin: I don’t want to do it presently.

Coffee Bean

Austin was making ma yi shang shu, while I was putting away the clean dishes. I was across the room, putting utensils in the chest and found a coffee bean on the floor.
Me, holding it up: Now look, if you’re going to drop your coffee beans on the floor, at least keep them on that side of the kitchen [indicating the side with the grinder and electric kettle].
Austin: I heard it drop and roll. And I looked for it, but I didn’t find it.
Me: That sounds like a bunch of %^#&@.
Austin: What? You don’t believe that I dropped it? How else did it get on the floor if I didn’t drop it?
Me: That’s not the part that I think is #^&$. The notion that you looked for it is &(#^&.
Austin, giggling: Yeah, I didn’t really.

Should

Austin & I aren't too fond of the green we picked for the piano room. But . . . it's non-returnable and we don't waste money.

Austin: Christina at work loves the green.

Me: Well, she can move in and live with it.

Austin: No, this is our house. I don't think she should live here.

Me: I said she could, so she can.

Austin: You're always saying this is our house, that we share it. I should have a say so in this.

Me: The operative word here is should.

Catheter

Getting my catheter removed has been more than a little headache. I've seen the urologist more times than my husband of late.

I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday, two weeks after my surgery. Since everyone told me the catheter would come out 14 days after surgery, I thought the catheter was going away.

No. This was a wellness check to see how I was doing without the JP drain.

So then the doctor schedules me for a cystogram at the hospital on Monday. Again, I thought the doctor would remove the catheter and stents and I'd be free. When the doctor who performed the cystogram was about to send me home, I stopped him. So he called the urologist I'd been dealing with and the next morning I was to go to his office, get the catheter removed and get the stents taken out.

So I'm preparing for my appointment.

Me: I'm going to take a broom. We'll just see if the doctor puts me off again.
Austin: This is why there's a waiting period to buy firearms.
Me: I don't need a firearm. The doctor will be dead if I don't get this catheter removed today.

Maxi Pads

Walking through the grocery store, down the back aisle where the maxi pads are (on our way to the shampoo area), I noticed that Kroger was having a huge sale on tampons and maxi pads. And a huge smile spread across my face.
Me: Can I just say how happy I am that I'll never need to deal with periods and menstrual protection again?
Austin: I don't know. That's a pretty good price. We could pick some up and use them as paper towels or napkins.

Post-Op Fun

My surgery went wholly wrong. I was in the hospital for four days and only got out that soon because I was pushing the issue. My recovery has had challenges, but I've had very little pain. By the time this is getting posted, I've actually been out and recovered a while and am doing fabulously.

As always, Austin is making a joke of everything.

If you've had surgery, you know how important a bowel movement is after. Well, a full week went by and nothing. Not completely surprising as I ate nothing for twenty four hours, then started vomiting for 48 hours after that. Nausea was my chief battle through recovery.

Well, Austin took me for a doctor's appointment and I'd told Austin I felt like a bowel movement was eminent, that I could feel it pushing and just wasn't coming. So, when I let this grand fart in my husband's car

Austin: I’ll be happy for your bowel movement, but not in my car.

And you haven't truly lived till you've had to deal with a catheter bag. You should see the size of the tube they've stuck up my urethra. While it's mostly something you can forget, it does poke around up there. Catheters don't work right unless the tubes are not kinked, so I'm constantly messing with the tubes. You have to tote the bag around with you everywhere you go and hold it below you hip, so the urine leaves the body properly. It's a hassle.  

Me, examining the tube: What is that? It looks like froth on the head of a beer.

Austin: It's just air bubbles. Now, if something unexpected comes out of your urethra like an octopus, then we should call the doctor.

And by the way, I loved my doctor. She was very attentive, incredibly helpful and explained everything to me. She was perhaps the only person not overreacting to the 7 pound uterus that was the size of a watermelon. (Yep, that was my uterus. And no, it didn't hurt.)

Austin, however: The doctor is always wearing a mask. I’ve never seen her nose. I don’t think she has one.

And on the way to yet another doctor's appointment (for I was visiting someone every day for two weeks), Austin: I think we should mess with your doctor and put fish in your catheter bag. You know, just to shake things up.

Mental Health

I was on FB and Austin comes over, starts reading over my shoulder.

Austin, reading over my shoulder: Whoa! I thought that was going to be funny, but then I read it and I was like, “Damn. I’ve been noticing my mental health declining for years."

Me: Me too. 

Me: Do you think only funny things show up on Facebook?
Austin: On your Facebook. There should only be funny things and cute animals on Facebook.

 

Mozzarella

I have a pound of fresh mozzarella in the fridge because I found a chicken bruschetta recipe I want to try. Austin was downstairs whipping up a wrap.
Austin: I’m going to use some of the mozzarella on my wrap.
Me, groaning and whining: Good grief. Well, whatever. If the bruschetta is light on the cheese it will be you who suffers.
Austin: Do you actually mind?
Me: No.
Austin: Good. You sounded really good, Oscar worthy performance.
Me: Thanks.
After Austin finished making his wrap, he shows me that almost the whole pound is still intact.
Austin: Do you think that’ll be enough for the chicken bruschetta.
Me: You can be such a dick sometimes. You’d think that’d positively impact on our sex life.
Austin: Ouch.

Hey Siri

I like Siri a lot better now that I've turned him into a British man.

Me: I was going to set a timer, but my iPad is charging.
Austin: Use mine.
Me: It won’t respond to my voice.
Austin: Hold down the button.
Me: That worked.
Austin: You just have to touch her.
Me: That sounds so dirty.

I Love You

Austin: I love you so much.
Me: I love you too.
Austin: I’m so glad I have you.
Me: You wouldn’t be if you read my Facebook page.
Austin, audible sigh.

Wooden Cats

For 19 years, I was happy with my cats over the kitchen door, but since the paint job...

Me: I don't like the cats up there anymore. I could move the white one so it's with my 'interpretation of clean' sign, but the other two...

Austin: You could take them to a no-kill shelter. Or you could release them into the forest, allow them to find their own kind, join a band of feral wooden cats.

Our House

So, I show Austin this picture of this crazy blue and white shanty with piano keys sidewalk.
Me: You don’t like that?
Austin: Meh.
Me: I love that.
Austin: It’s pretty, but I don’t like it for our house.
Me: Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t pay for it.
Austin: It’s only our house when I don’t have an opinion.

Cuddle

A pair of our friends adopted a baby and he became one month old yesterday. Baby pictures galore on FB. Of course, I showed Austin the latest round of snapshots of their new little fella. And he just stared.

Austin: I'm just not into babies.

Me: Me either, but he is cute.

Austin: I just don’t want to laugh at him, because my friends won’t understand. I mean, I think babies look funny. I think baby X looks like a horned narwhal.

Me: He doesn't look like a horned narwhal.

Austin: I don't think babies are cute. I think lizards are cute. And octopus, with their cute little mouths. And cuttlefish! Cuttlefish are cute. That's why they're called cuddle fish.

 Narwahl

 Cuttlefish

The Paradise

Me: I just noticed. They took the Paradise off of Netflix. No more Emun Elliott.
Austin: I’ll have to write them a thank you note. — Wow, the look on your face. Don’t cut my hair in my sleep. 

I take Emun Elliott very seriously. I don't remember which episode, but this is a shot from it.

 

Pork

Me: Do you want me to do anything special with the pork?
Austin: Like what? If you can wrap it in a bow and make it dance a jig, that would be pretty special.

Poppy Seed Dressing

Austin & I offered to take Mom grocery shopping with us, but she didn’t feel like going. After we were done, I got a call.
Mom: When you’re at Kroger, check on poppy seed dressing.
Me: We’re on our way home. We’re five miles from the house.
Mom: Oh, okay.
Austin: Tell her I checked on the poppy seed dressing. It was fine.
Mom: Right.
Austin: I can even see the eye roll.

Tattoo

Watching Supernatural, Sam & Dean showing their tattoos that ward off evil.
Austin: Would you let me get a protective tattoo so I can ward off evil?
Me: Too late. You're stuck with me.

Coat

We just moved the fridge so I can paint the corner.
Me: That will give me just enough time to do a coat tonight. Then I’ll do a coat in the morning.
Austin: I don’t know. It’s supposed to be warm. I think you should do a T-shirt.

Netflix Fireplace

Austin: The Fireplace on Netflix is PG. (Pause.) Fire is dangerous. We can't have children watching it, getting ideas.
Me: I'm sure that's it exactly.

Grape Juice

Austin threatened to pour grape juice on me. He held the glass over me, began to tip it.
Me: Don't you dare!
Austin: I wouldn't. You're in my bed.

Lucky

Austin: How did I get so lucky?

Me: I constantly question my sanity.

5:37

Me: You want to eat around 5:30?
Austin: I want to eat at exactly 5:37.

E-Mail

Austin, reading an e-mail he was sending to a retailer: How does that sound?
Me: Fine.
Austin: You don’t think it sounds sarcastic? I didn’t use both too much?
Me: Oh, you wanted me to listen to it when you read it?

I Love You Back

Me: Have I told you I love you today?
Austin: Yes. I love you back.
Me: I love you front.
Austin: I love you front porch.
Me: I love your full backside. (I swatted his rear.)
Austin: Oh wow, that’s a lot. My backside just keeps getting fuller and fuller. I don’t think I can compete with that.

Short People

Me telling Austin that I didn't quite cover the entire wall under the cabinets with luan.

Me: No one can see it. Just short people. I figure I'll just paint over it and move on.

Austin: Short people and kids. Short people and kids aren't welcome in our house.

Me: I agree completely.