Tit for Tat

Austin was over the sink washing a few dishes.
Me: Thanks for washing the dishes.
Austin: I’m not going to wash them all. I was just going to wash these, then stop.
Me: That’s fine. I was just thanking you because you thanked me the other day when all I washed was four plates and a few forks. Tit for tat.

Guess where Austin grabbed me.

How Much I Love You

Austin: Have I told you how much I love you today?
Me: I told you that I love you and you acknowledged it. I believe you replied that you loved me too, but I don’t know if you made any quantifiable remark regarding how much.
Austin: If space could be measurable, my love would fill it.
Me: No it wouldn’t.

Murder Planning Again

Austin was watching Forensic Files again on Netflix.
Me: You getting ideas for how to murder me?
Austin: Nah. I don’t need any ideas. I have my own.

Assume...

For our trip to Virginia, Mom was having Austin sit her house and animals.

Austin: Is your Mom going to leave me instructions or is she just going to assume I know everything?
Me: Oh, she’s not going to assume that.

Nerf Bullets

Austin, examining Nerf bullets on clearance: If only I had the gun for these.
Me: I think that all the time.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody

An oldies station was playing at the store. Whitney Houston 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody' came on and I was bebopping through the store. And I remembered being in middle school when the song came out.
Me: Sadly, this song is an oldie now.
Austin: I hate to tell you this, but this song has been an oldie for a while now. 

You're Welcome

Me: X (who lives in Virginia) said to be sure to thank you for letting me go out and visit her.
Austin sprung to me and I was cackling, because X legitimately asked me to say this.
Austin, after he got over it, straightened his face: Tell her, 'You’re welcome.'

Thank. You.

Me: I can’t believe it’s almost 8:30.
Austin, pausing the TV: We don’t have to watch the rest of this. Go to bed.
Me, after lifting the tea and taking a sip: I don’t think I can move.
Austin: Yes, you can. You just lifted your hand.
Me: ^&*%@^&
Austin: See. I just pointed out that you can move. You’re not immobile. You should be thanking me.
Me: Thank. You.

Cold Case

Me: Mom got a visit from two Delaware County sheriffs cold case department.
Austin: That’s pretty cool.
Me: Yeah. I didn’t know we knew anyone who’d been murdered and gone cold.
Austin: Your mom’s done a good job covering it up.

Poison Sauce

Me: Thank you for making dinner.
Austin: Do you like the sauce?
Me: Yeah. Is it a maple glaze?
Austin: Nah. I just kind of made it up. Hoison, soy sauce.
Me: It sounded like you just said poison.
Austin: Just for you, dear.

Colostomy Bag

Austin: Could you imagine having a colostomy bag? That would be awful to have a tube coming out of your rectum.
Me: Guess again.
Austin: What? It comes out somewhere else?
Me: The people I know, the colostomy bag has been at your side, in your abdominal area, and your waste collects there.
Austin: So. It’s kind of like me. Always at your side and full of shit.
Me: Yes, exactly.

Sweet

Me: I love you so much and I’m so glad to have a supportive, wonderful man like you in my life.
Austin: You’re sweet.
Me: You’ve been with me too long to be deluded like that.
Austin: I said something different in my head.

Austin was Right

Austin: I know it’s a little off, but on September 25th, I was right about the lentils. You said I should make note of it, so I did. And now I’m reminding you of it.

Blonde Ponytails

We were watching a blonde with her hair in ponytails.
Austin: Those ponytails are adorbs. It makes her look sweet, innocent. I bet people do underestimate her with those things. If I put my hair in ponytails, people would underestimate me.
Me: As soon as you open your mouth, people underestimate you.

Kitchen Stool

So I picked up some fabric to fix the seat on this old kitchen step stool and I mentioned it to Austin.

Austin: The one that the cats used to climb?

Me: Yeah.

Austin: I thought you were going to get rid of it.

Me: No. I'm going to fix it up and make a new cushion for it.

Austin: But you asked me if I cared what you did with it. I told you I didn't. I thought you were asking because you wanted to get rid of it.

Me: I only ask your opinion--

Austin: You only ask my opinion so you can forget what I say and do what you want.

Flatulence

I told Austin I farted today. Now he can't stop laughing.

Seriously, it's been like five minutes and he's still laughing.

Clan of the Cave Bear

Austin has been reading the Clan of the Cave Bear series. He’s on the third book, the Mammoth Hunters, now.
Austin: Ayla called the birds and they actually came over to her. And all the mammoth hunters were really impressed and asking her how she did that.
Me: Ayla’s a Disney Princess. 

Hair Straightener

The first time I saw Austin plug in his hair straightener and apply it to his shirt collar, I was shocked. Now very little shocks me about my husband.

Austin & I are going to see a show this afternoon. Fresh from a shower, hair a frizzy mess, he plugs the hair straightener in. And nothing. He taps the surface, unplugs, re-plugs, taps again.
Austin: I think it’s dead.
Me: Well, harass work for the Amazon gift card you won, then we can order a new one.
Austin: It’s not like I desperately need one.
Me: But how will you iron your collars now?
Austin: I won’t. I’ll just go around looking stupid.
Me: Ironed collars don’t affect that.
Austin: Ooohhh!

Banana Chocolate Bread Continued

Me: Clearly I didn’t die on my walk, though it was touch and go for a minute.
Austin: Good, because I had no intention of pulling your banana chocolate bread.
Me: I would have so haunted your @$$.
Austin: I watch Supernatural. I would stock up on salt.

Banana Chocolate Chip Bread

I just put banana chocolate chip bread in the oven.
Me: I’m going for a walk. It takes 70 minutes for the bread to bake, so it shouldn’t be a problem for me to get back in time to pull it. Unless I should happen to die on my walk.
Austin: If you die on your walk, I won’t care about the banana chocolate bread in the oven.
Me: I would still appreciate it if you’d pull the bread in 70 minutes.
Austin: Okay.

In case you'd like to try it, here's a link:

Banana Chocolate Chip Bread 

Ottoman

Austin was looking to replace his Sterilite drawer set with a storage ottoman. I was controlling the iPad.
Austin: Slow down. I almost missed this nifty cow one.

Fun at the Egyptian Exhibit

Austin had a cold. I had a cold. And Mom is just old.
Me, discussing the exhibit today: I kept sneezing. I felt so bad.
Austin: I could tell by the spray of mucous on the glass cases.

 

While at the exhibit, I overheard a pair of women approximately my age discussing the ceramic pottery and plates.
Woman X: You can tell this is their day-to-day dinnerware and that this is their nicer finery here. They didn’t have plastic back then.

FYI, if you’re going to be this stupid, please don’t do it in a museum near me.

Also, this same woman didn’t know Hatshepsut was a woman.

 

 

Me: The first fully synthetic plastic was invented in 1907.
Austin: WOW. Just after the end of the Egyptian era.

Starship Enterprise Keychain

I laughed hysterically at this. So I show it to Austin.
Austin: Is that real?
Me: That a piece to a toilet!
Austin: Oh.

I've Got a Crush

Me: I think I’ve got a crush on Shazad Latif (actor Star Trek: Discovery).
Austin: I don’t know why. He’s not chiseled. He even kind of has a double chin.
Me, pressing my finger into Austin’s gut: I definitely have a type.
Image taken from Crookes Magazine, photo by Leigh Keily.

Batman

Austin & I were watching Batman: Bad Blood.
Austin: Oh man! They killed the Mad Hatter and Firefly. And the big tusk guy.
Me: I think he’s the guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

This image is from comicbooknews.com.

This one is from Chadwick J Coleman, taken from DeviantArt.

Shaved Head

Austin: The Deep (from the Boys) shaved his head. I don’t know what it is about being depressed and shaving your head.
Me: Well, we could get you depressed and see if it works on you.
Austin: It wouldn’t. I’ve been depressed for—
Me: Don’t even go there.

Pit Bull

I was giving information on this pit bull that I’m trying to re-home for a friend. I was telling Austin that he gets special food, he’s up on his shots, rabies, etc.
Austin: Well, you know, my family is going to want a full background check and any delinquency records.
Me, laughing.
Austin: I’m pretty sure as long as he’s not a meth addict, my family won’t care.
Me: He’s a pit bull. He might be.
Austin: That’s racist.

Toothpaste

Me: I think it’s done
Austin: Oh, I don’t know. I could squeeze another dollop out of there.
Me, incredulous look.
Austin: I don’t have many teeth left.

Supernatural, Game Night

Austin & I have been fans of Supernatural for years. We were watching Game Night. The episode opens with Donatello opening the door to a stranger and being attacked.

Austin: You'd think after all these years, the characters would invest in some kind of home security system.

Leftovers

Austin, looking at my phone: Your mom wants to know if she can come up for leftovers now.
Me: Sure. I can put on a shirt.
Austin: I can’t.
So I went upstairs and got changed. Shortly after, Austin trudged up.
Me: Did you tell Mom she could come up?
Austin: I told her something.