Austin: My boss just called to follow up on how I’m doing after getting my COVID vaccination.
Me: That was sweet.
Austin: She told me if I feel like poo, don’t force myself to go to work. [pause] I don’t know about calling off if I feel like poo.
Me: Now, if you smell like poo, that’s different.
We have a ton of fruit flies at our house. So, I take my trusty-dusty home ready, vinegar in a covered cup, small hole so flies can get to the vinegar.
Within an hour, fruit flies were floating corpses. Excited, I drag Austin in, show him my wonderful contraption.
Austin: That’s nothing to be impressed with. Doug Marcaida [Forged in Fire] would shake his head.
Me: He would say, “It weel keel.”
While watching Forged in Fire reruns: Season Two, Episode Eight.
Tonight, on Forged in Fire, we’re going to watch knives cut through .... Bread.
Me: Guest starring Alton Brown.
Austin: I can cut bread with a spoon.
Somehow, I used up my stock of any occasion cards. Also, we had an unseasonable snow shower. Also, once a week, with COVID-19, the family has been getting take-out. Yep, it’s also take-out time.
Me: I have to run up to the dollar store to buy a birthday card for my sister. I’m not looking forward to digging my car out of the snow.
Austin: If you wait, the snow will melt off. You could also wait until you go to pick up take-out.
Me, looking at Austin like he’s insane.
Austin: Just run in before you go pick it up.
Me, still gawking.
Austin: It only takes a minute.
Me: Clearly, you do not understand the importance of picking out the perfect card.
Me: You’re gorgeous.
I studied Austin’s face, the reassuring morning smile. The tuft of hair on his chin. I hate his beard.
Me: You’re be even more gorgeous if you’d shave that hair on your face.
Austin: Which one? [Pointing at his eyebrow] This one?
Me: When do you want to have sex this weekend?
Austin: I don’t know.
Me: You’re all into planning meals, weeks in advance sometimes. Nice to know your priorities.
Austin, whiney noises.
Me: Look, it’s going to be a busy weekend. You’re going out with your brother on Saturday, we’re going to see your parents on Sunday. I don’t want to miss out on our once-a-week extravangza.
Austin: I’ll get a schedule together and e-mail you.
Austin & I finally got around to watching the new Mulan. After watching the scene where the General suggests arranging a marriage between Mulan and his daughter, Austin & I roared laughter.
Austin: Wow, Disney. You went there. Next Disney flick, Mickey Mouse will have a beer while Donald Duck is smoking a bong.
Austin was thinking about putting on a coat before we leave today. Then he stopped.
Me: Exactly, that’s what I was thinking. It’s 32 now, but it’s supposed to get up to 60. Then it supposed to get back down to 32. It’s like my measurements. 32 60 32.
Austin has been working from home since COVID hit. Today, our internet has been going in and out.
Austin: I couldn’t get any work done. I tried and tried and I finally decided to stop. I’m only frustrating myself.
Me: And your wife. Let’s not underestimate the importance of frustrating your wife.
While watching Forged in Fire.
Me: If I ever happen to meet Doug Marcaida and our eyes happen to meet and we have that magic moment, where our hearts start to pound and we’re both ready to throw in everything and he says to me—
Austin: It will kill.
