Watermelon

 After deciding the electric knife was dead, Austin put the cut up half of watermelon into a container.

Austtin: The other half won’t fit.

Me: You don’t leave the rind on.”

Austin: Yeah, you do, that’s what you hold onto when you eat it.

Me: You don’t have room in the container with the rind.

Austin: You get another container.

Like he doesn’t know the selection of containers in our cupboard.

Austin: What do you want me to do with the other half?

Me: I’ll take care of it.

Austin, mocking me: You break my grandmother’s 41 year old electric knife. You make a mess and complain about how I cut a watermelon. Get out of my kitchen.

I laughed the whole time he fake ranted.

My Grandmother’s Electric Knife

 My grandmother died in 1983. Sometime around 2000, my mother gave me her electric knife that had only been used a couple of times and was still in the box. I promptly put it in a cupboard and never used it. Fast forward to today.

Me: Since you complained about how I cut the watermelon up last time, I thought I’d let you do it this time.

Austin: I would, but we don’t have an electric knife.

Me: Yes, we do. It’s in the cupboard. I’ve never used it, but it still works.

We test it and it does indeed work.

Austin, after putting it together: I don’t think this is right. The button…

Me: The blade is upside down.

Austin: That’s not the right word. It’s… 

Yada yada. We flip the blade around.

Austin, after cutting up half the watermelon, starts to have trouble with the knife and takes the blade out, fools with it, puts the blade in.

Austin: I think I broke it.

More fooling around with the blade.

Me: The blade is upside down.

Austin: I still think that’s the wrong word. You want to use something else.

Me: I want to use that knife to stab you.

Strawberry Lemonade

Austin, putting a near-empty pitcher of strawberry basil lemonade into the fridge: I left enough so you could have the last little bit and then make some more.

Garden Hose

 Austin: I can’t wait to get my hose. 

Pause.

Austin: That sounds so bad when I say it out loud. 

Empty Space

 Austin, on his garden: Now that I’ve harvested the shallots, I have all this space I need to fill.

Me: you could just leave it empty. 

Austin: I hate empty space.

Me: what about all that space in your brain? 

Austin: it’s filled with thoughts of you. 

Freezer Scavenger Hunt

 Our freezer has been bursting with stuff lately. I opened it and found it was neat and clean.

Austin: I organized it . I also took a lot of stuff and hid it around the house. Like a scavenger hunt. I think you’ll find the fish first.

Heatwave

 Our kitchen was sweltering hot today, so I was looking at window fans.

Me: Forty to fifty dollars. I guess we don’t need one. We can always take the one that’s in my window and move it down to the kitchen while we’re cooking, then take it back upstairs.

Austin: Our we can have a water balloon fight or get some squirt guns.

An Unfortunate Face

 Me, looking at a picture of Austin and I: My hair looks pretty good, but I’m stuck with this face.

Austin, indicating his own visage: What about me? I look like Skeletor. From He-Man.

Me: I know who Skeletor is. You don’t look as good as he does.

Austin: That’s true. He has a nice body.

Beauty

 As I’m applying neck firming cream, Austin: I’ve already applied my nightly beauty treatment, as you can tell by my youthful appearance.

Me: By your immature behavior?

Serving Spoon

 Austin, rummaging through drawers.

Me: Are you looking for this serving spoon?

Austin: Yes. 

Me: I moved it to this drawer.

Austin, grumbling: Moving stuff around…

Me: You do it all the time.

Austin: Yeah, but when I do it, it makes sense.