Moldy Pita

 Austin: Oh no! This pita has mold on it!

Me: I imagine it’s like anything; it gets old.

Austin: You don’t have mold on you.

Pink & Swollen

 I fell on the ice.

Me: My knee is pink and swollen.

Austin: My belly is pink and swollen.

Love Language

 Austin: Have I told you how lucky I am to have you and how happy you’ve made me lately?

Me: Not lately. You did threaten to kill me and dump my body in a ditch last night.

Austin: That’s my love language and you know it.

Winter Weather

 We’ve got a major weather advisory for our area.

Austin, as we’re driving home: I’m worried about driving to and from DnD tomorrow night. But then, I’ve driven in worse.

Me: Yeah, but now you’re over forty.

Austin: Don’t make me pull this car over. It’s after dark. No one will find your body for days.

Fat Cardinal

 Me: Wow, that is one fat cardinal.

Austin: It’s winter. It needs the extra weight to keep it warm. Besides, the camera adds 10 pounds. When you figure how much a cardinal weighs, that 10 pounds adds a lot.

Post-Holiday Blues

 Me: I’m bored and restless. I’m not sure what I’m going to do today.

Austin: I’ve got delicates that need washed. And you could also wash the dishes.