Vitamins

 Me: I haven’t taken my vitamins today.

Austin: Really? Because you seem like a pill.

King & Queen of Puns

 As I’m dumping the dehumidifier reservoir, Austin: you are a queen of the seas.

Me: You are a king of disease.

Motivation

 Me: Here I thought I would be motivated to day and get a bunch of chores done. I was going to wash the dishes, but I haven’t even motivated myself to get dressed.

Austin: Guess what? You don’t have to get dressed to wash the dishes.

Hard

 Flirting at a public pool.

Me: It’s hard when I can’t get fresh with you in public.

Austin: It’s hard when you flirt with me in public.

Yeah, that’s what he meant.

Orange Idiot

 Austin and I were commenting on how bad the Orange Idiot looks.

Austin: If something happens to him, it’ll be a while before we’ll know it. His MAGA cronies will Weekend at Bernie’s his ass. There’ll be strings and pulleys all over Maralago. I can just see it, “He’s in the bathroom. I just saw him.” Then someone we’ll bring him out and make him wave.

Escher

 Austin bought new stairs for our dog, Tess. But she’s not quite getting the hang of it. So I pulled out her old steps.

Austin: What we need is one more set of stairs, then it would look like an Escher painting.

Mini Pizza

 We had some leftover spaghetti sauce, so I suggested Austin make himself a mini pizza as I headed off to bed.

Austin: That’s a good idea. Thanks. Oh, wait. I used up the last of the naan. I put it on the grocery list.

Me: I saw. You can use bread.

Austin: That’s just crazy talk.

Me: You can toast the bread—

Austin: I swear, I don’t know you sometimes.

Ingenious Solution

 The switch on our lamp fell off and was lost. Austin’s solution:

Toilet Paper

 Austin: I took the last two rolls of toilet paper out of the cupboard. So unless there’s more somewhere else, we’re out.

Me: I would appreciate it if you’d put it on the grocery list.

Austin: I don’t think we should waste it that way. We should use it on our butts. Not on the grocery list.

Me, the look.

Austin: Yes, dear. I’ll write TP on the grocery list.

Over Forty

 For Labor Day Weekend, Austin was sent a bundle of ads. As soon as he opened it, I saw an ad for coins and started chuckling.

Austin: Hearing aids, a walk-in bathtub, wheel chair—Oh no!

Me: You’re over 40 now.

Austin: Shut up!

Jerk Chicken Pizza

 I brought home leftover jerk chicken from the Caribbean restaurant and Austin brought home a whole pepperoni pizza from Little Caesar’s.

Austin: Did you have any of the pizza?

Me: Yes, I had some for breakfast.

Austin: I had some last night before going to bed. I put some jerk chicken on it and a dollop of Greek yogurt, then put it in the air fryer.

Me: How are you still alive?

Austin: Well, I was on the toilet for a long time, but I didn’t &%$#* out any organs I need.

Me: Just your brain then.

Little Shop of Horrors

 Band camp is in full swing.

Me: Sounds like the band is doing‘Little Shop of Horrors” this year.

Austin: That band is a little shop of horrors.

Wasp Bite

 I have a huge wasp bite on my thigh right now, like a 5 inch diameter.

Me: If I didn’t know any better, I would think I developed this awesome muscle on my thigh.

Austin: It’s me. I sneak into your room at night and hold wasps to your thigh to see if they’ll sting you.

Me, eye roll.

Austin: I’m just kidding. I would never hurt you.

Me: And yet you married me.

Mythbusters

 While watching Mythbusters reruns on Pluto,

Austin: I want Jamie and Adam to get back together and bust MAGA myths.

Battling

 Me: Kirsten said she was battling her air conditioner yesterday. I don’t know what that means, but she said she’d email me today.

Austin: If she’s still battling, we’ve got a couple of katanas she can borrow.

Kayaking

 Austin and I went kayaking yesterday. 

Me: Hey, careful! You almost hit me.

Austin: That’s a nice change. Usually you hit me.

AI Alexa

 Alexa: Why did the zero start dating?

Answer: It wanted to find the one.

Alexa: Do you want to hear a joke about love?

Me: No thanks, Alexa. I’m already married.

Oatmeal

 While I was waiting for my veggie meatballs to finish cooking,

Austin: You can have some of my oatmeal. It’s really good …

Me: I love it when you say things like that with a straight face.

Austin: For you.

Austin in Love

 Austin is in love with Jasmine Crockett, Texas Representative and I recently mentioned seeing her.

Me: I know you’re in love with her and want to marry her.

Austin: Not marry her. In love yes, but she’s a politician. She’d be away all the time and she’s brilliant. She’d make me feel stupid every day.

Me: I don’t do that? I’m not doing my job.

Austin: Nope, it’s more like every other day with you.

Hiding

 Austin was hiding behind the curtain. I could see his feet and the curtain ruffled as he moved. Suddenly, he jumped out at me and roared and I screamed. 

Me: Eventually I’ll get used to your face.

Nespresso

 Austin: I think I’m gonna need to get a new Nespresso machine. I really miss my coffee.

Me: You know the machine will only last for maybe a year. And then you’ll have to get another one and you’re going to fuss the whole time.

Austin: I’m not really going to get another one. I just wanted to see if I could make you think I was crazy.

Me: you don’t need to buy a new Nespresso machine to make me think you’re crazy. 

Competitive Edge

 Austin and I jogged across a street, then Austin burst into a sprint.

Austin: Let’s race. I’ll beat you with my competitive edge.

Me: Your competitive edge is as sharp as a butter knife.

Sharp

 Me: I hope my mind is as sharp as my mother's was when I'm her age.

Austin: Your tongue is as sharp as hers was now. Your mind is already gone.

Onions

 Austin: I read that if you don’t wanna cry while chopping onions just cut off the top and put it in the microwave for 30 seconds, then you won’t cry. 

Me: That just makes my job harder.

Over 45

 Me: I have a ton of work to get done, but I’m not allowed to go over 45 for the week.

Austin: You’ve been over 45 for years now.

So I punched him.

Hey

 Austin: Hey, Gorgeous.

Me: Hey Handsome.
Austin just stares silently a minute.
Me: I’m just trying to see if I can get anything out of you.

Depressed

Me;  I’m depressed this morning. Everything is depressing.

Austin: It’s a good thing you have a wonderful, amazing husband, who’s handsome and supportive to get you through these times.
Me: Who is funny and makes me laugh.

Hear Gorgeousness

 As Austin came down the stairs, me: I hear gorgeousness.

Austin, smirking.

Me: I wonder where it’s coming from.

Land or Sea Animals

This was a poll on our Alexa a few days ago.

Austin: Land animals, of course.

Me: What about octopuses or cuttle fish?

Austin: I like them too, but that’s nothing compared to dogs and cats and birds and elephants and . . . You go to the zoo to see animals, not fish. 

Me making a comment about aquariums.

Austin: Don’t forget theLittle Mermaid. Even Ariel wanted legs so she could be on land.

Milk

 Me: Milk is on sale at Kroger, so I’ll have to stop & pick some up.

Austin: Can you go first thing in the morning. Like before I get up? I really want some yogurt for breakfast.

Me: I could pick up some fixadent for old times sake. Smear it between your teeth and shut you up.

Cow

 Me: We’re out of milk.

Austin: Maybe we could by a cow or goat or something.

Trash Drama Again

 Me: The trash needs taken out.

Austin: Trash? Trash? No hablo trash. What does this word mean?

Tea

 Me: Give me a second to throw this tea in the microwave.

Austin: No, be gentle. Ceramic is breakable.

Munchies

 Me, roving the kitchen cupboards for food: I’ve got the munchies.

Austin, throwing his arms over his head: Don’t eat me!

Romance

 Austin: How did I get so lucky?

Me: Well, it was a long haul and a lot of work, but astrology said we were a fantastic match and I believe in pseudoscience.

Poop

 Me: I know you don’t want to hear about this, but I had the most colossal poop. And poop. And poop. And details. And size and shapes and more poop and let me tell you more about the poop. Lots and lots of poop.

Austin: I’m hacking your account and putting this on Facebook.

Big 5-0

 After sex, Austin was talking about how tired he was, lounging across the room. I was lying in bed.

Austin: I’m forty. I don’t have the energy.

Me, unable to force myself out of bed: I’m tired too. I’m fifty. I’m more tired than you.

Austin: Now you know what I’ve had to put up with for the past ten years.

Just for that, I got up and went over and punched him.

Almonds

 Me: I’ve been eating your almonds.

Austin: Please do. They’re really hard on my teeth.

Me: The teeth you paid $$$ for?

Austin: The last time I broke off a piece of tooth, it was from eating almonds. Now they scare me.

Me: Candy coated almonds?

Austin nods adamantly.

Me: I’m going to start hiding baggies of almonds around your room.

Austin: No!!!

S'mores Accident

 Me: I’ve got chocolate on my pants.

Austin: It’s fine. I’m sure it will wash out.

Me: Chocolate belongs in my mouth, not on my pants.

While on a Wooden Bridge...

 Austin: This bridge smells good. Is that weird to say? This bridge has wood for me.

Blond Moment

 Austin couldn’t get the grill to work.

Austin: I’m going to try again and make sure I’m not having a blond moment. After 12 years of marriage, I’m used to feeling stupid.

Me: Then I’ve done my job.

Ghosts

 The cabin was making noise.

Me: It’s haunted.

Austin: It’s probably the wood adjusting to the temperature change.

Me: Yeah, that’s more realistic than a teenager getting drunk and drowning in the hot tub, then becoming a ghost obsessed with s’mores.

Terrible Puns

Me: I’m glad I brought a roll of Charmin. At first, I was using theirs, but the off-brand toilet paper really chafes after a use or two.

Austin: Their toilet paper is crap.

Day One of Vaca

 Me: I can’t wait to get to the cabin. I’m going to stuff my face with all the stuff we bought from Alfonzo’s.

Austin: I can’t wait to turn on Murder, She Wrote.

Lamps

 Austin: Both lamps in the living room are getting old. The black one needs pliers to turn it on and off and the switch on the other one doesn’t work anymore.

Me, placing a hand on Austin’s back: I like to use things till they die.

Austin: I don’t like the ominous way you said that.

Drag People Into The Street

 Me: People who think you can make a proper s’more in a microwave should be dragged out into the street and shot.

Austin: I think you just want an excuse to drag people out into the street and shoot them.

Moldy Pita

 Austin: Oh no! This pita has mold on it!

Me: I imagine it’s like anything; it gets old.

Austin: You don’t have mold on you.

Pink & Swollen

 I fell on the ice.

Me: My knee is pink and swollen.

Austin: My belly is pink and swollen.

Love Language

 Austin: Have I told you how lucky I am to have you and how happy you’ve made me lately?

Me: Not lately. You did threaten to kill me and dump my body in a ditch last night.

Austin: That’s my love language and you know it.

Winter Weather

 We’ve got a major weather advisory for our area.

Austin, as we’re driving home: I’m worried about driving to and from DnD tomorrow night. But then, I’ve driven in worse.

Me: Yeah, but now you’re over forty.

Austin: Don’t make me pull this car over. It’s after dark. No one will find your body for days.

Fat Cardinal

 Me: Wow, that is one fat cardinal.

Austin: It’s winter. It needs the extra weight to keep it warm. Besides, the camera adds 10 pounds. When you figure how much a cardinal weighs, that 10 pounds adds a lot.

Post-Holiday Blues

 Me: I’m bored and restless. I’m not sure what I’m going to do today.

Austin: I’ve got delicates that need washed. And you could also wash the dishes.