Do I Have To?

 With working so many hours, I’ve been exhausted. On our usual night for adult time, Austin headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

Me: I’m really tired, Bubby. I don’t feel like sex. But if you still want me to @&^#, I’ll be happy to do that. I just don’t think I’m up for sex.

Austin: Oh no. If you don’t feel like sex, then I don’t want you to *&@(. That wouldn’t be fair to you.

Me: I’m fine &((@ you. I just want you to be happy.

Austin: I am happy. It’s fine. Since you’re not up for sex, we can just spend some time together and talk.

Me, whining: Do I have to? Can’t I just (*&()&&*# and be done?

Special Olympics

 Austin was planning to go see a friend of ours, who happens to be in a wheelchair. We’ve mentioned her before. 

Austin: I’m really looking forward to seeing X, but I’m also thinking of cutting my visit short so I can play my video game.

Me: X isn’t as important as your video game?

Austin: It’s not that. It’s just, when you play the game, if you don’t finish the game, when you come back, you forget your strategy, the boss is harder to beat, it changes the outcome.

Me: So X can’t keep up with your game. Is it because she’s in a wheelchair?

Austin & I are both going to hell. X would also laugh if she heard me say that.

Forged in Fire 2

After watching a partizan suffer a catastrophic bend:

 Austin: You know, we see catastrophic failures on these weapons every other episode. Just once, I want to see the weapon cause a catastrophic injury. Doug Marcaida, his arm hanging from his shoulder socket, “It will keal.”

Slow...

 Me: My order from Turtle Tee just shipped.

Austin, not caring.

Me: I ordered it last Thursday!

Austin: You ordered it on a Black Friday sale. They’re busy.

Me: I have worked at more than one place that can get orders out within 24 hrs. Even on Black Friday.

Austin, ignoring me again.

Me: That’s ridiculous.

Austin: I think it’s hysterical that you’re complaining about how slow a place called TURTLE tee is.

Forged in Fire

 Our new family favorite is Forged in Fire. Every time we get together for a family dinner, we kick on the TV and turn on Forged in Fire so we can see the blacksmiths making their knives and see Doug Marcaida making puns and wielding the blades. On this particular episode, Doug was mercilessly slashing boars.

Austin: When I die, I want to donate my body to Forged in Fire. Doug Marcaida will plunge a knife into my chest, decapitate my body. Then he will say, “It will keal.” 

Hot Tea

Watching Great British Baking Show. 

Austin: I thought a pasty was what those exotic dancers wear on their breasts.

Me: Do you want to wear my hot tea?

Austin: Only if it makes me a hottie.

You’ll Like It

 Since I’m working an obscene number of hours right now, Austin has been handling the cooking and cleaning.

Austin takes a taste of some potatoes that he threw together for dinner and starts gagging.

I look up from my spot, concern showing on my face.

Austin: You’ll like them.