Dental Visit

 Austin, getting home from the dentist: They told me what I already knew. I lost a filling in that one tooth. And the tooth next to it has a shadow, so it probably needs a filling too. It might need a crown. They both might need crowns. Of course they need crowns. They’re the only real teeth I have left. They need to be treated like royalty.

Superbowl

 Austin and I yesterday.

Me: Guess what today is.

Austin : What?

Me: Superbowl Sunday.

Austin: Oh. [Pause]. I’m for the one team. 

Me: I’m for the other one.

Austin: B&$€#%.

Superbowl Part 2

 Me: The Chiefs won.

Austin: What?

Me: The Superbowl. The Chiefs won.

Austin: Oh. I wanted the othe team to win.

Me: I don’t know who the other team was.

Austin: The 49ers.

Me: Oh, yeah. I do like them. When I was a kid, I was a big fan of [brain fart]. I almost said Joe DiMaggio.

Austin: I think he was a baseball player.

Me: Uh yeah and he was briefly married to Marilyn Monroe.

Moon Anniversary Plaque

 Me: Would we do the day you were an intern at Weathervane and were 16 years old. The first day you were in readiness row at JCP or your birthday when we officially started our relationship?

Austin: Actually, it doesn’t matter what we pick; that’s just our perspective of what the moon looked like when we met. In fact, the moon has looked exactly the same for thousands of years. Now if you want to commemorate our relationship with my moon….

She Wrote

 Watching Murder, She Wrote. A pregnant woman is eating pickles.

Me: That’s one thing about Murder, She Wrote. It plays into stereotypes constantly.

Austin: What?

Me: A pregnant woman eating pickles.

Austin: Well, that’s normal. ”Here, have some coffee on the house. And here’s some pickles. You can eat the ketchup too.” I ate a plate of pickles the other day.

Me: Are you pregnant?

Austin, touching his tummy.

Me: Is it the return of Tasia?

Murder!

 Austin periodically binges Murder, She Wrote.

Austin: If I murdered someone, would you still love me?

Me: Depends who you murder. If you murdered X….

Austin: What if I end up in jail for the rest of my life? Would you divorce me?

Me: The second I can’t get health benefits off of you, you’re useless to me.

Hot Tub

Austin was fooling around with the controls on the hot tub.

Me: You just blasted me with cold air on my back.

Austin turned another knob. Then switched around something else.

Me: There’s directions in the cabin.

Austin: Instructions are for babies.

Me: Spoken like a true man.