Vitamins

 Me: I haven’t taken my vitamins today.

Austin: Really? Because you seem like a pill.

King & Queen of Puns

 As I’m dumping the dehumidifier reservoir, Austin: you are a queen of the seas.

Me: You are a king of disease.

Motivation

 Me: Here I thought I would be motivated to day and get a bunch of chores done. I was going to wash the dishes, but I haven’t even motivated myself to get dressed.

Austin: Guess what? You don’t have to get dressed to wash the dishes.

Hard

 Flirting at a public pool.

Me: It’s hard when I can’t get fresh with you in public.

Austin: It’s hard when you flirt with me in public.

Yeah, that’s what he meant.

Orange Idiot

 Austin and I were commenting on how bad the Orange Idiot looks.

Austin: If something happens to him, it’ll be a while before we’ll know it. His MAGA cronies will Weekend at Bernie’s his ass. There’ll be strings and pulleys all over Maralago. I can just see it, “He’s in the bathroom. I just saw him.” Then someone we’ll bring him out and make him wave.

Escher

 Austin bought new stairs for our dog, Tess. But she’s not quite getting the hang of it. So I pulled out her old steps.

Austin: What we need is one more set of stairs, then it would look like an Escher painting.

Mini Pizza

 We had some leftover spaghetti sauce, so I suggested Austin make himself a mini pizza as I headed off to bed.

Austin: That’s a good idea. Thanks. Oh, wait. I used up the last of the naan. I put it on the grocery list.

Me: I saw. You can use bread.

Austin: That’s just crazy talk.

Me: You can toast the bread—

Austin: I swear, I don’t know you sometimes.