Your Biggest Fear!!!

I Quit My Job

Austin: You quit?
Me: Yes.
Austin: You really quit?
Me: Yes.
Austin: You're not going to work tomorrow?
Me: Nope.
Austin: You're washing the dishes.

Open Front Shirt

I'd get this for Austin, but he'd wear it in public.

The Watermelon House

Me, my husband and my mother all gazing quizzically at the freshly painted house in the neighborhood.
Me: It's pretty, but would you really want to paint your house to look like a watermelon?
Mom: I think a special fella must live there.
Austin: Nah, even my most flaming friends wouldn't do that.
Me: I think it's a widow who's been repressed all her life. Now that her husband's gone, she's finally free to do what she wants with the house.

Property Of

I need to get Austin this shirt. Then we'll need to figure out who his hot wife is.

He'll say Angela Lansbury. SMH.

Fur Nails

Austin hates all things fuzzy. I need to get these just so I can rub my hands all over him and gross him out.

And Stuff?

Austin has been cleaning the kitchen and he's been getting rid of some of my stuff, which has been painful for me.
Austin: And I cleaned out this basket so you could put your apples and stuff here.
Me: And stuff?
Austin: Yeah, like your nuts and dried fruit and the apples you take for lunch.
Me: And stuff?

Later, telling Mom and friends

Mom: maybe you can loan him out on his extra days

Shawn: I'll take him. Does he know how to clean up after a demonic toddler?

Me: He doesn't know how to clean up after the cats.

RR Teacher

We saw a license plate today that said, RR Teacher.

Mom: I wonder what an RR Teacher is.

Me: Rest and relaxation. I don't know.

Austin: Well, if it's an English teacher, they're a bad one. The alphabet only has one R in it. Unless they're teaching pirates. Then is Arrrr.

Bathroom

Of course, there are no good bathrooms at the festival . . .

Me: I'm going to have to visit the restroom as soon as we get home.

Mom: I'm glad I went right before we left.

Me: I thought about going with you, but you know . . .

Austin: I was so lucky. During the mead tasting, they gave you all these little plastic cups. I'd drink my sample, then I'd fill it up and hand it back.

Slushie

So, we were on our way out and Austin got distracted by the curtain dancers. Then he got distracted by this gaming booth. Then he couldn't remember where the slushie booth was, so we were walking in circles. I was fine getting my own, but Austin stepped up and ordered one strawberry slushie for the two of us to share. 

OK, finally on our way out.

Me: Cheryl just texted asking where we are.

Austin: We'll be there in two shakes.

Me: One shake, you didn't want to get two.

Austin: It's a smoothie.

Me: A slushie.

Outings

Mom kept putting down the automatic windows on accident on our trip.

Austin: Am I going to have to lock the windows like I do with Cassie?

Pirates Weekend

Austin and I were going to an outing with a pirate theme.

Austin: I have an eye patch and some jewelry if you want to dress up as a pirate.

Me: You want me to dress up as a pirate? You don't want me to dress up like I usually do?

Austin: No, I like how you dress. I just figured since it was Pirates Weekend, you'd like to dress piratey.

Me, shrugging it off.

Austin: I thought about dressing up like a pirate, but then, I would have to go without my teeth. Or I'd have to black them out. But blacking out the fake ones just seems nonsensical.

10-15 Pounds

I looked in the mirror this morning. I need to lose 10-15 pounds in four hours.

Lipstick

Austin's just getting up.
Me: I'd kiss you, but I don't want to ruin my lipstick.
Deep hug.
Me: Are you surprised you're not worth the sacrifice?
Austin: I already knew.

Wonder Woman

Austin: Look at the sign on the video store. Now Hiring Wonder Woman.

Me: Mhmm.

Austin: I think it should say now hiring wonder women. And wonder men.

Me: Men just wonder.

Which Superhero Are You?

Austin & I each took an online quiz: Which DC superhero are you?
I got Batman. Austin got Supergirl. 

If you want to play along:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/perpetua/dc-comics-superhero-quiz?utm_term=.xyPJEDOL9#.rgVgoLwZe

21 Seconds

I heard a bit of trivia on the radio: all mammals, humans included, pee for an average of 21 seconds. I want to know how they know this. Who let scientists time their urination cycle? And now I'm obsessed with timing my own. And have advised Austin to do the same. He's up early today, at 7:56 am, darted past me into the restroom and I could hear the dribbling.

Then Austin stalked past me.

Austin: I forgot to count, but I don't think that was twenty-one seconds.

Restroom

Me: I'm going to the restroom. I'm going to be a bit.
Austin gives me a look.
Me: I know, you don't wanna know.
Austin: Actually, I was thinking you should take my phone and get a picture. Then you can share it on Facebook and send it to all of your friends.
Me: I've always wanted to, but you always said no before.
Austin, choking noises.

Toilet

Austin was taking care of some stuff in the bathroom, so I was waiting for him to finish.
Austin: OK, you can pee now.
Me: Thanks for your permission.
Austin, as I linger on the bed: Not there. You have to use the toilet.

Baby

Me: I want a baby.

Austin: No you don't.

Me: OK, I probably am just really horny and want sex, but it so feels like I want a baby.

Several hours later, after sex.

Me: You're right. I don't want a baby anymore.

Reduce Your Payment!

Austin got a letter from the dealership where he bought his car. I picked up the envelope and checked it out.

Austin: They want to help me lower my monthly payment.

Me: They must not know that you paid off your car.

Austin: Yeah, I really want to see how they can get my payment under zero.

Grocery List

I had a short grocery list and I put down where the best store to purchase was and was as specific as possible about what to purchase. Instead of taking my list, Austin decided he was going to put it on his razzle-dazzle cell phone.

Austin: Siri, put down pickles, red delicious apples, chewy protein bars, Greek yogurt, tropical, coconut, strawberry, freebie.

Siri: Your entry is too long. Please shorten.

Austin, groaning: I guess it can't take the grocery list.

Siri: Would you like to create a grocery list?

Austin: Yes!!! Pickles, red delicious apples--

Phone beeps, only pickles appear and the phone is asking for confirmation. Austin deletes that.

Austin: Siri, pickles . . . [to me] what's the freebie?

Me: Hormel Completes. If you're not sure what's included, there's a sign--

Austin: It added 'there's a sign' to the message.

Memory

Two days in a row, that's what the mustache is for.

Undoubtedly this was hilarious, but I don't remember what this note was about.

Moral: Don't assume you'll remember. Write down the whole thing.

Austin Napping

Austin was napping. I crept in for his iPad. He rolled over and moaned.
Me: Sorry I woke you, Bub. I only wanted you for your digital gadgetry. I would want you for something else, but I can see you're useless for that.
Austin: Advice?
Me: You're useless for that too.

Infatuated

Austin had DS9 on, I'm not sure which episode, but Quark was mooning over Jadzia. He called after her as she walked away, "Poor woman, she's obviously infatuated with me."
Austin and I hugged as I was getting ready to leave.
Me: Poor woman, I'm obviously infatuated with you.
Austin: Psh, I happen to know you're infatuated with a lot of men.

My husband is right.

Jerk chicken

Austin and I got chicken nuggets, a jerk chicken sandwich and a cream puff. Austin paid and we were told it would be a few minutes for the food.

The Server: Here's the cream puff and the nuggets. The jerk is coming.

Austin: No, I'm already here.

Sodium-shmodium

I've been eating a lot of pickles lately, which Austin has encouraged, saying how healthy they are.

Me: Actually, they're high in sodium.

Austin: Sodium-shmodium. What's a little salt.

Me: It causes high blood pressure.

Austin: You don't have high blood pressure. You give it.

Me: I love you.

Mom: No you don't.

Pie

On our way out to a festival, as we're stopping to get gas.
Mom: Oooh, my pie lady is out. I can run over and get a pie. Then after you're done you can stop and pick me up. You won't leave me?
Austin: No.
Me: I would.