Belgian Waffles

Me: I could make Belgian waffles. I haven't made those for a while.
Austin: That's true.
Me: You don't sound very enthusiastic about that.
Austin: I'm not much of a waffle person. I'm more of a pancake person.
Me: Well, I think you need to stop asking me for suggestions for dinner and just tell me what you want to eat.
Austin: I'm just being honest. I thought you'd appreciate that.
Me: I'd appreciate it more if your truth was the same as mine.

Palm Tree Trimming

I was showing Austin what I got done on the bathroom ceiling today. Yesterday we had a catastrophe, but today work went smoothly.
Austin: I know what a service call like that would cost now. $45 an hour.
Me: I was hoping it would be more, like $100.
Austin: It depends on the work. Palm tree trimmers get $125 an hour. You could open your own palm tree trimming business. You'd be the first in Ohio.
Me: Only. Then I could finally get very own room at the mental institution.
Austin: I'm pretty sure they'd take you now.

Steak

So I checked Austin's phone for the time. 5:00.

Me: Are you ready for dinner?

Austin: That's fine.

So I go downstairs, heat up the pan and throw a sirloin in the skillet. 90 seconds, flip, 90 second, flip . . .

Damn, Austin normally likes cheese crumbled on his. Hungry dog standing at my heels. Purse with my cell phone at my left.

So I picked up my cell. And it rings. I know his cell is inches from him, but it rings . . .

Austin, FINALLY: Hello?

Me: Yeah, do you want pepperjack cheese grated on your steak?

Austin, laughs and laughs. And for the fun of it, he just keeps right on laughing.

I Hear Sexiness

As I'm coming up the stairs.
Austin: I hear sexiness.
Me: I don't.

Drool

Austin and I sitting together watching TV.

Austin: Sorry.

Me: For what?

Austin: I thought I got you, but I guess I didn't.

Me: What?

Austin: I thought I drooled on you.

Old Mattress

A local place is offering a great deal on mattresses and Austin has wanted to replace his for over a year. So I mentioned it and Austin jumped.

Austin: Will they take the old mattress and dispose of it?

Me: Nah. We just take it up to Mom's and throw it in the trash. That's what she did with hers.

Austin: It's so cumbersome to carry a mattress though.

Me: If you're not man enough to do it, I'll ask Mom.

Austin & The New Mattress

The Look

Austin and I were going out for groceries.

Me: I also want to stop at Sugar & Spice on the way home.

Austin gave me a look.

So I gave him a look.

Austin: I was just giving you a funny face.

Me: You don't have to do anything to have a funny face.

Dreams

Me: Which of my dreams are you going to make come true today?
Austin laughed.

Fingernail Clippers

Austin was clipping his fingernails. And it was creeping me out.
Me: I know it's an unfounded fear, but any time someone is clipping their fingernails, I'm just terrified that they'll cut their fingers off. It's not like that with toenails. It's just one of those stupid fears.
Austin acts like the nail clippers slip. Then: Oops, my finger! Blood, blood!
Me: Stop it. I don't mess with you and your phobias.
Austin: Yes. You do.

Brush My Teeth

Austin came in with an egg and a cup of coffee.
Me: I should get up too. Brush my teeth, throw together breakfast, get dressed.
Austin: Nah.
Me: Brush my teeth at least. I don't want them to look like yours.
Austin: Mine look great. They're in a cup downstairs. They're fantastic.

Fairy Grenades

Austin: Co-worker X had this dream that I was a fairy. Like an in the forest with wings fairy. And I was flying around the forest and I had this magic basket of eggs and they were like little grenades and I was going around throwing them at people.
Me: Tell her you're married.
Austin: She knows.
Me: Tell her anyway.

Bearclaws

I bought some almond danish bearclaws on Thursday. As Austin doesn't like nuts, I took them to work. I've eaten three from the box and took home the last one. One little almond sliver was still in the box, so I ate it. Now it looks like a harmless bearclaw left in the box.

This morning, half of the bearclaw is in the box.

Screwing

Me: I've tried all day to get that screw to screw in. It's almost there, but I'm stripping the head. I asked Mom if I can borrow her vise, but if that doesn't work, I'll have to unscrew the screw, find a shorter screw and screw that in instead.

Austin: That's a lot of screwing without an orgasm.

Me: Ha ha. I told that joke last month.

Two Sponges

Austin, at the kitchen sink: Do we really have two brand new sponges out?

Me: You remember on Monday when I had to go through the entire kitchen and clean everything, disinfect and basically bleach the room? The sponges were in a package, but the package was opened, so I washed them, disinfected them and nuked them, so I think they're fine--

Austin gave me the look. I hardly ever get the look.

Me: Yes, we have two new sponges out on the counter.

Saving Planets

Me: I'm heading out now.

Austin: I thought you had half an hour!

Me: I did. When I said it at 10:45. It's 11:15 now.

Austin: Oh. Time flies when you're saving planets.

Too Skinny

One of my co-workers at this temp job I'm doing was teasing me about another co-worker.

Me: X is too skinny for me.

Co-worker Y: Austin's skinny.

Me: Yeah and I have enough trouble with him.

With Great Power

Austin was heading off to bed. (He gets up at 3:00 a.m., so he has to hit the sheets pretty early.) So I was getting a cup of tea before unwinding for the evening. When I came back upstairs, I heard gunfire from Austin's room. Sure enough, he's got a video game going.
Austin: I figured I'd save a few planets before going to bed.
Me: Uh-huh.
Austin: 'With great power comes great responsibility.'
Me: Yeah, you've got neither.

Love Again

Austin: You know how much I love you?
Me: Yeah. Not enough, but I do know.

Ebelskivers and Eggs

Austin made breakfast this morning. Delicious! Ebelskivers (doughnut hole like pancakes), bacon and scrambled eggs.
Austin: Tell me if the eggs are too scrambled.
Me: Eggs are scrambled just like the man who made them.
Austin: I'm scrambled because you made me that way.
Me: You were scrambled before I met you.
Austin: I was beaten before, then I met you and now I'm scrambled.
Me: Gee, I was going to say you've always been scrambled, now I beat you.

Weeds

I made mention to Austin that I needed to annihilate the weeds in the yard, but since I motivated myself to do laundry first thing in the morning, I wasn't too eager to do anything else.

Me: The only place that's really bad is out where you park the car and that really needs to be sprayed. With all the rain we've been having, I should wait till I can get the weed killer. Otherwise, I'll just be doing in again in two weeks.

So then Austin and I decided to go to dinner. 

When we got back, Austin: I feel so adventurous pulling into the jungle.

Me: Huh?

Austin, pointing at the weeds: Look, it's like a savanna. The foliage is up to our thighs. We need machetes just to make it through.

Me, not amused.

As we're walking to the house, Austin: Look, you can barely see my car. It's like the earth has taken it back.

Pet Name

Cassie (Cassiopeia) is Emperor Monkey (or Emperor Biscuit for her nickname. Wrong sex.

Austin wanted to play too, so even though he's not a pet, he's The Notorious Puss. Well, it's accurate.

 

Just for kicks, I'm Princess Snooze. Also appropriate.

 

 

Pickle Spear

This is a pickle spear. Better known as a fondue fork to the rest of the world. This is what I use to get pickles out of the jar. There are four of them in our kitchen drawer. Austin put his fingers directly into the pickle jar last night to pull out a pickle. Guess how happy I was.

Friend X: Next time, spear him with the “pickle” fork.
Me: What makes you think I didn't? 

Broforce

Austin was checking out the $5 games on sale to download. He was watching a demo for Broforce.
Me: Ugh, Broforce? Don't you dare get that game.
Austin: But it's only $5. Regularly it's $13.99. I've been watching for that one for a while.
Me: If you get that game—never mind, I don't have any respect for you now.

Bachelor Pad

Me: X sounded good. He was mentioning getting a bachelor pad. I mentioned him looking for a sugar mama. He said he wasn't actively looking. I thought he was actively looking.
Austin: He's kind of like me when I was his age. If it happens it happens.
Me: He's 24. You had me at 24.
Austin: That's true, but X is harder to please than I am. I'm not picky. I took the first thing that came along.
He got punched in the arm for that.

Namé

In the good ole days, when Austin was a trainer, Austin would put out the name tags for the people in the training classes. One of the problems he dealt with the strange names people gave their kids, wild names like Precious Hair, Summer Holmes and unpronounceable things like De'neqeé, Ma-Kenaké, all kinds of things.

Austin, looking through the room to place the last name tag.

Co-worker X: Who are you looking for?

Austin: Namé, I don't remember where she sat.

Co-worker X: That's the Name Tag example for the front of the room.

Hilarity ensues.

Fast forward to today, Austin and I are no longer with that company. Austin and I are both working elsewhere.

But I worked there for almost 19 years, so I still keep up with everyone.

Former Co-worker X: Tell Austin I said hi. Tell him Namé said hi too. He might remember her.

Me, to Austin: X said hi. Namé said hi too.

Austin: Namé! She was my favorite!. She was in every other class, never made noise, always showed up . . .

Austin's Sick

Austin's been sick.

Me, hugging him: I would give you all of my love if it would make you feel better. All of it. I'd even give you the love I have reserved for Emun Elliott.

Austin: I don't believe you.

Tiling

I redid the tiling around the tub, and redid the whole bathroom. I wasn't quite finished . . .

Me: Sorry I didn't get to finish the tiling around the tub today. I really wanted to get that done before you had to go back to work. I hate that you'll have to go to work all dirty and gross.
Austin: I always feel dirty and gross living with you.

Free Weird Cottage Cheese!

Austin was going to go to the grocery store for me today.

Me: We have a coupon for free weird cottage cheese.

Austin: Free weird cottage cheese!!!!

It's like Christmas came early this year.

Apples

Austin called me at work yesterday to find out if gala apples were OK. Because I only put apples on the grocery list. Hand over face. And I kind of blew him off. I got home and Austin told me the whole story.
Austin: The bags of apples were all $4.00.
Bags are three pounds. OK. I told him $4.00 was too expensive and to not buy them.
Austin: The individual apples were kind of expensive too. But galas were $1.98 a pound. So I bought you three pounds of gala apples.

Face palm. This is what I get for getting fussy with my husband when he calls me about apples at work.

Washing Machine

Our washing machine is broken and Austin has decided it's probably the lock that's broken, so I told Austin to order the part and see if it works. So when I get home . . .

Austin: I've tried to order it from my iPad and it wouldn't work. It liked the phone better, but I couldn't find the part we need. I was getting on your computer now.

So after working a 10 1/2 hour day, I go up to my computer with the washer manual and info. Austin continues to tell me about the trouble he had trying to order it.

I typed in the model number. The first item that came up was the lock. So I add it to the cart, ask Austin if the shipping details look right. Then placed it.

Austin: Wow, it took you ten minutes to do what took me all day to do.

Me: It was less than ten minutes.

Being Prepared

Austin spent the day hunting up painting supplies so he could paint the porch (not today, but we have to be prepared).

Austin: I went through the pantry, pulling out stuff, but I kept getting attacked.

Me: And it wasn't by me?

Austin: That's why I did it when you weren't here. I got attacked by a broom, a rake. I got attacked by a saw blade too, but it didn't hurt me.

Me: If I'd have been here, I'd have made sure it hurt you.