New Year's Eve Plans

Austin: We’re invited to a party New Year’s Eve. And Loni said if I have to work in the morning, we can stay over. They have a guest bed.
Me: Make sure they know we’re loud in bed.
Austin: They know.

Riverdale

Watching Riverdale, a sex scene between a couple of the “teenagers”.
Me: High school wasn’t like this when I was sixteen.
Austin: Yeah, me neither. 

Crossing Fingers

Me: Surgery is coming up. I can’t wait to never have a period again.
Austin: I can’t wait to have sex without a condom.
Me: How do you like not having sex for three months?
Austin: I don’t really like that part.

Dinner

Wednesday, Me: I think I’ll make chicken snow peas on Friday.

Austin: Okay.

Thursday, Austin: Megen’s birthday is tomorrow, so I’m going to go over there in the evening. It’s supposed to be drinks and food. I’m not really sure what that means, but we might want to hold off on chicken snow peas until Saturday.

Me: Sure.

Also me, getting chicken breast out of freezer and moving it to the fridge to thaw.

Austin: What are you doing?

Me: I know you.

Later, Thursday.

Me: If you’re going to go to Megen’s for her birthday, I’ll call Mom and see if she wants to go to lunch tomorrow. Then I’ll just do something light for dinner.

Austin: I’m going to come home tomorrow. The get-together is going to be later. I’ll be home for dinner.

Me: This is why I pulled the chicken out of the freezer.

Tale of Tales

Austin was watching Tale of Tales on Netflix. I came in during the part where the girl is running away from her husband. The guy falls into a ravine, survives, then chases down a family of gypsies and finally rejoins his wife, the girl, and she slits his throat.
Me: Why did she do that?
Austin: Her father married her off to an ogre.
Me: Was he mean to her?
Austin: No. He took care of her, all that.
Me: Then why did she do that?
Austin: Because he’s an ogre.
Me: So?
Austin: She’s a princess.
Me: So?
Austin: He’s an ogre.
Me: Yeah.
Austin: She’s a princess. A princess can’t be married to an ogre.
Me: They must not have heard about Shrek.

That Time Again

So time for my surgery is rolling around again. My fingers are crossed. I was mentioning to family members and discussing the hospital for the procedure. My sister-in-law started gushing.

SIL: I love that hospital! Their cafe is the best! I love their salad selections. After work, on my way home the other day, I was in the mood for a salad. So I decided to stop past the hospital and get one. They've got broccoli and cucumber, arugula. You can pile your plate full and you only pay $3.50.

Her husband: Oh yeah, I love that place. SIL and I stop in all the time for the salad.

Austin: Oh my god! Rachel, I might have a new dining destination for my birthday!

Merry Christmas Bonus!!!!

Playing Word Cookies.
Me: Fug is a word, but Flu is not.
Austin: Really?
Me: I don’t what fug means.
Austin: Bah, humfug.

Merry Christmas

Me, to a friend when I saw this meme: So basically, the heart moves Christmas into the blood stream, it is cleaned out as waste and is farted out of the body. Excellent Christmas quote.

Austin, when he saw this meme: It's Christmas in the farts, not the hearts, that puts Christmas in the air.

It's like we're soulmates.

The Long Ones

I was checking out the Christmas decorations at a restaurant my husband & I like to frequent. I pointed out the ornaments on the chandelier. 

Me: Very pretty. But I think the long one with balls look funny.
Austin: Long ones with balls always look funny.
*Rolls eyes*

Snow

So one of my friends was complaining about snow and referenced the meme:

Me: I actually like snow. I like a little fluff on the ground.

My friends start snickering.

Me: Yes, I'm thinking it too. I like the fluff I married too.

129 Ways to Find a Husband

So I was reading this article under George Takei’s profile, 129 Ways for a Woman to Get a Man from magazine in 1958.
Me: This thing says to read the obituaries to locate eligible widowers.
Austin snickers.
Me: They’re obsessed with widowers. This one says, “Go to all high school and college reunions. You never know where you might find a widower.”
A few minutes later.
Me: I don’t even get this one. “Carry a hatbox.”
Austin: That’s hot. I love me a woman carrying a hatbox.[pause] Mmmm, yeah, a hatbox. Women with hatboxes are sexy. Turns me on just thinking about what's in that hatbox.
Me: “Rent a billboard and put your name and phone number on it.”
Austin: What! That’s crazy. Yes, single women living alone, get a billboard and advertise.
Me: This one says, “Stand on a street corner with a lasso.”
Austin: What?
Me: That’s what it says.
Austin: Oh no, Rachel. What will I do? What if I get caught up in a lasso and another woman drags me away?

129 Ways to Get a Husband 

Do Not Open Till Christmas

An Amazon package arrived today addressed to Austin.
Me: I know what this is (my Christmas gift).
Austin: Christmas gifts are only for good girls.
Me: I'm good.
Austin: What I should do is put a note, "Do Not Open Till Christmas" and put it on your bed just to torture you.
Me: You do that anyway.

Gold Plated Wha?

After Austin and I had our "no, don't get me jewelry, give me cash" discussion, I found an article on the internet.
Me: Oh my god! Look at this, a gold-plated dildo. $15,000. Who needs that? No one needs that. That's absurd.

The article sited Gwyneth Paltrow.

Austin: I guess Gwyneth Paltrow needs that.

Me: For the person who has everything.

Austin: Would you rather have a gold-plated dildo for $15,000 or a ring for $15,000?
Me: Neither. Give me the cash.
Austin: Nope, you have to choose one or the other.
Me, deer in headlights.
Austin: Come on. Which would you pick?
Me, still overwhelmed by the choice.
Austin: What?
Me: I'm trying to decide which would have the best resale value. And I'm depressed to say I don't think either would retain their value.

Limerence

Austin was making fun of a jewelry commercial saying the diamonds show how much you love your female partner. I was giggling.
Austin: Stop it. I know about love. Adam Ruins Everything taught me that you and I have a long-term relationship that is based on trust and understanding.
Me: We’re past the limerence stage. We’re in the been married and bored slump stage of our relationship.
Austin: Look, if you want an expensive rock to show that I love you—
Me: Nah, just give me the cash. 

From Wikipedia:

Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

My Nephew has a Girlfriend!

My nephew has a new girlfriend. They met through church and both are very religious. Um, I don't have this in common with my sister and her family. Anyway, I went to Facebook to check her out. And found this. Her FB banner and profile pic [for the protection of the innocent, I've substituted Daria].

Me: Do you think we should tell her?
Austin: No. Only heretics like us would notice anyway.

Pie in the Face

Austin made another quiche, which turned out marvelously.
Austin: Remember to call your mom and have her come up to get some. But you’re only allowed to give it to her if you give it to her like this.
He made the classic pie in the face move.

Husband for Sale

Austin gave me an early Christmas gift. 

It's a kettle corn pot. 

So I can use it to make kettle corn for his friends for Christmas. 

Christmas Job

I've been working ten hour days for six days straight. Austin had dinner ready for me when I got home. It was wonderful and delicious. I crashed on his bed and Austin took the plate to the kitchen for me. I was overwhelmed by the love I felt for my husband.

Me: Is there anything I can do to show you how much I love you that won't require me to move?

Dinner Quiche

Once upon a time, I quit my job and decided to renovate my house. Since I've only been working a real job sporadically this year, I've been taking care of the cooking and cleaning. Every night, I've had dinner ready by 5:30 p.m. I picked up a temp job for the holidays where I'm standing all day and have been working ten hour days the past couple of days. Yesterday, I left the house at 5:30 a.m. and arrived home just after 6:00 p.m. And like most Christmas jobs, the place has so much staff and not enough facility to hold them, so I don't usually get to sit down during my break. Austin told me on Monday, he was going to make a quiche on Thursday.

When I came in, Austin: Sorry, the quiche is taking longer than I thought.

He's massaging the pie crust into the pie plate.

Disappointed, hungry and beyond tired... but I pull out some celery and tear off a rib. I start dipping it into peanut butter and munching it.

Austin: Let me see that.

So I hand it over. And he cuts it in half and eats it. Mind you, he doesn't "like" peanut butter. Or celery.

Me: So, not only is dinner not ready, you're stealing my food?

Pause.

Me: If I could lift my arms, I'd beat you with a broom.

Birthday Wishes

Me: I have to remember to send Deb birthday wishes on Sunday.
Austin: You should set your iPad to remind you.
Me: Nah. I’ll just remember it.
Austin: I love the reminders function on my iPad. I use it to remind me of all kinds of things.
Me: It’s fine.
Austin: Hey Siri, remind me of Deb’s birthday on Sunday.
Siri: I will remind you of dead’s birthday on Sunday.
Me: She’s not that old.

Cut

Austin cut his hand while making garlic bread. The cut looks very much like a bite mark.

Austin: If anyone asks, just tell them I had to give you the backside of my hand and I caught your teeth.

Sit Your A$$

Friend X: Sit your ass down.

Me, throwing an arm around Austin's shoulder: He's already got a seat.

Death Planet

So Austin has returned to watching Star Trek: Voyager. We just finished watching the episode Innocence.

Me: Voyager has a lot of these episodes. Where people die and they're sent to the dying planet to die.

Austin: What are you talking about?

Me: We just had a death planet episode. This is Emanations all over again. Very convenient, these aliens know when their elderly are dying. Oops, your time is coming, time to send you to the death planet to die.

Austin: Even more convenient, their bodies disintegrate into nothing. Only leaves their clothes. Makes it very hard to prove murder.

Voltron

Austin and I were watching Voltron on Netflix. When Lotor was first introduced, I thought he was evil. Austin: No, he's not evil. He's a good guy.

Me: But he's the bad guy's son. He's evil.

Austin: Everything he's done has been good. He's a good guy.

I don't watch the show religiously, but occasional peeks while Austin is watching.

The next episode I linger on, Lotor and Princess Allura are kind of getting friendly.

Me: That proves it. He's evil.

Austin: He's not evil.

Me: Allura can't be in love with Lotor. She just saved Lance's life and all kinds of hints that she's in love with Lance too. (Lance has been in love with Allura from episode one.) Allura has to end up with Lance. Clearly Lotor interferes with this. He's a bad guy.

Austin rolled his eyes at me.

The finale: Lotor is a bad guy. He fooled everyone.

And I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.

More Adult Time

Austin's Playstation has been overheating, so instead of Netflix, he brought up a noise app on his iPad. He played Tibetan choir, osmosis (humming), unreal ocean, cave chimes, white rain (as opposed to Purple Rain). He uses this for Dungeons and Dragons, so in addition to Irish coast and rain on a tent, he also has sounds like oblivion, dark forest and distant thunder.

Austin: What do you want to have in the background while we're making love.

Me: You're expecting a blow job, so let's go with RPG dungeon noises.

Adult Time

Austin and I were getting ready to have some adult time. Austin put on Netflix and was searching for the fireplace program.

Me: Stop right there. Series of Unfortunate Events would be perfect background noise for us during sex.

Couples App

Austin: I found this couples app that allows you to list tasks, divide them up and assign them to you or your partner.
Me, thinking relationship building tasks. To make the relationship stronger and better.
Austin: Wash dishes, you. Take out the trash, you.
Me, rolls eyes.
Austin: We just need to get you an iPhone so I can start assigning tasks to you.
Me: Sounds like a divorce app to me.

Shipped

Me: Your Christmas present has shipped.
Austin: You got me ship for Christmas?
Me: I got you a lot of ship for Christmas.

Christmas Surfing

Doing a web search for possible gifts for Austin.
Typed in: Gifts for
Computer auto-populated: Men.
Me: No.
And I continue to enter my original parameters.

Goldfish

Additionally, while wrapping gifts for our Secret Santa exchange this year, I found a bag of Goldfish Crackers I meant to given Austin for Christmas last year. Best by 2/17/17. Whoops.

Ooopsssss

It has just occurred to me that all I have for Austin for Christmas is light saber chopsticks and I have no clue what else to get him. #^&*@ I'm wondering if I can tell him I've over-purchased for him for years and buy him nothing this year . . .

Christmas on Ebay

My sister-in-law is an alcoholic. As bad as it is to support someone's addiction, we're also practical and usually get her alcohol for Christmas. Well, she was recently put in the hospital for several days to detox. And she's had her third DUI. So no alcohol.

Me: We could get her those cat chopstick holders I liked on Ebay. If they don't come in time for Christmas, I'll just keep them and we'll figure out something else last minute.

Austin: What do you mean?

Me: They come from China. It takes three weeks for delivery. It's probably too late to get them for her.

Austin: &*(#% That's what I was going to get you for Christmas.