Arranging

After the cabinets were installed.

Austin & I were discussing where to put foods.

Austin: Don’t worry. I’ll let you get everything put away. Then I’ll take a few hours and rearrange everything to how I want it.

Me: You say that like you’re joking, but that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

Christmas Caramels

I MADE CARAMELS!!!!

And they turned out perfectly!!!

Since I wasn't steadily working, I didn't buy any gifts for Christmas and since I did pick up a temp job in December that was working me 50 hours a week, I didn't make anything for Christmas either. So this was sort of a belated Christmas thing. At least, when I was divvying up the caramels, I used leftover Christmas baggies, so it's sort of a Christmas thing.

Me: Which baggy do you think I should give to Mom?
Austin: The nutcracker, because she's a ball buster.

Buns

I'm admittedly a bit hormonal right now and if I'm moving on without Emun Elliott to drool over, I need a equitable replacement. I showed Austin this picture.
Austin: What you gonna steal? A doughnut?
Me: Some buns, probably hot cross buns when I’m finished with them.

 

Remodeling

Austin & I were discussing redoing the shelves in the living room. We’re both really jazzed about the kitchen cupboards being replaced tomorrow.
Austin: The PlayStation display is being updated. I’m not sure I like it.
Me: You know, you’re an adult now. You’re daydreaming about new flooring, furniture, paint. PlayStations don’t matter anymore.
Austin: You’re cutting out slivers of my soul, woman.

Bored After Three Years

Me: I'm kind of sad to admit that I'm over Emun Elliott.

Austin: I'm so sorry. Is there something I can do?

Me: Nah, I'm fine. It's just, I haven't really seen him in anything lately, nothing new. And I kind of get bored of guys after three years. It really is about that time.

Austin: You've been with me a lot longer than three years.

Me: You're insinuating that you're a guy.

And it's an excuse to post a pic of him. He still makes my eyes happy.

Thinking

Austin: What?
Me: What?
Austin: You’re looking at me with intent.
Me: You’re looking at me like you’re thinking something.
Austin: I’m usually thinking something.
Me: You don’t often look like you are.

White Castle

Austin: I almost stopped past White Castle and picked up a couple of sliders. It's been a while since I've had White Castle.

Me: Uh-huh.

Austin: There's one right near work and I fantasize about stopping and picking some up. I could buy a few sliders on my way home and I'd pick up a couple for you.

Me: I don't like White Castle's.

Austin: I know. That's my secret way of getting more.

Apology

Me: I’m sorry about this morning. I was kind of a bitch and being fussy.
Austin: You don’t have to apologize. I knew you were a bitch when I married you.
Me: You’re opening yourself up to a world of hurt by giving me permission not to apologize to you.

Cardigans

Austin, telling me about the cardigans that effeminate anime characters wear: But I don’t think I can pull them off.
Me: There’s a lot of clothes you shouldn’t wear, but you do anyway. If I could pull them off you, I would.
Austin: I tend to wear those Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood cardigans that old men wear. I should just stick with those.
Me: At least it reassures me that another woman won’t be stealing you away. 

Tuba Sink

I would love to say this was Austin, but it was a friend. I'm remodeling the house, so pictures like these especially spark my interest. I showed a friend.

Friend: Where's the tuba toothpaste?

Roses

Me: Kroger had roses marked down for $1.99. I thought you might like roses.
Austin: You got me roses?!?
Me: Technically, you got you roses. I used your credit card.

Scary

Austin: I turned off Stan Against Evil. I didn’t want to watch it without you. I thought I’d get scared.
Me, grabbing his shoulder: Scarier than me?
Austin: It has witches in it.
Me: You married one.
Austin: And wraiths and zombies and priests.

Green

Me: I got a bunch of green swatches for the living room, to see if we want to do a different shade, but Mom agrees with you, that we should go with bright white on the trim.
Austin: Oh no. If your mom says bright white, we’re definitely going with green now. In fact, we’re going to do every shade you got. In fact, we’re going to do polka dot now.

Baby Names

I have fibroids, two of them are the size of grapefruit. So it’s consistent with me being pregnant 20 wks.
We’ve picked out one name, Jenny, already. Austin wanted to name the other Tasia, but that’s the name of his bump. So we’re not sure. And Mom keeps going on about hers and driving me nuts.
Austin: You could ask what she named hers. Ask her for name suggestions. She’d say, “Rachel and Leah.”
Cue punch.

Incidentally, we've decided on Jenny and Jelly Bean for the twins.

Hysterectomy

I have to have a hysterectomy to remove my fibroids, which is fine with me, but it is major surgery.

Me: The internet says 4-6 weeks without sex after surgery, but my doctor said three months.

Austin: That's a long time.

Me: That's how long it takes the scar tissue and stuff to heal. You use a lot of muscles down there for sex.

Austin: Have they seen you have sex?

Eroction

Austin and I were watching Teen Titans: Judas Pact. Beast Boy and Terra kiss. Rocks all around them levitate.

Austin: Did you see that? She had an eroction.

Shaken or Stirred

Me: I’m pretty whipped. I’m going to take a shower and go to bed early.
Austin: You don’t look whipped. You look stirred. Maybe shaken.

Sorry, I was talking . . .

We had Stan Against Evil on. Austin was telling me about this incident at work. Then he looked up. The coin was stuck in the ceiling in the show. Austin started to rewind the episode.

Austin: Sorry, I was talking.

Me: You should apologize for that more often.

The Next Step

Austin and I were having this chat at a crowded restaurant and we could hear the people at our neighboring table clearly talking about medical conditions and dysfunctional families, so Austin and I naturally started talking about our love life. But in code and innuendo.

Austin: Back when I started dating you, none of my friends had much experience with dating. I mean, I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I mean, Megen, she dated a lot.
Me: Oh yeah, I remember you telling me about that, that you went to Megen when you were ready to take the next step in our relationship, but you weren’t ready for a commitment.
Austin: I was ready to take the next step for years.
Me, palm over face.

Iron Supplements

My blood count was a little low, so I’m focusing on increasing iron in my diet. Austin & I are meeting friends for dinner Saturday, so I was browsing the menu & making plans.
Me: The pear salad sounds good, but it’s vegetarian, so I shouldn’t do that. That also takes the cheese ravioli off the table.
Austin: You’re taking supplements. Eat what you want.
Me: I’m sorry, Bubby. I’m going to be crazy for the next month.
Austin: OH—
Me, whipped out the middle finger.
Austin: You can tell what I was thinking?
Me: It was all over your face.

Relationships

Austin & I were talking about relationships.
Austin: When I was in high school, there was no purpose in going past French kissing. I didn’t want to get someone pregnant and you couldn’t do more than kiss without risking someone getting pregnant.
Me: Lacking on the sex ed.
Austin: Right, I know. Then in college, I mean, I wanted a girlfriend, but I didn't have a job, I didn't have my own apartment. I didn’t have anything to offer.
Me: You don’t have much to offer now.

Turkey

At the deli today, the woman slaps Austin’s lunch meat on the counter.
Woman: Here’s your turkey.
Me, hugging Austin: And you’re my turkey.

Chorizo

Chorizo was the freebie at Kroger this week, so Austin and I were making plans for how we were going to handle the ingredient for dinner.

Austin: I think tacos or tortilla are the obvious ones.

Me: I'd rather do tacos.

Austin: I think tacos too. I mean, you can only do one thing with tortillas.

Me: That sounded suggestive.

Austin: What?

Me: You can only do one thing with tortillas.

Austin: Like what? You mean [making a jerk-off gesture with his hand].

Me: You're the one that said it suggestively.

Austin: Ooo, yeah! That's why the guys at our favorite Mexican restaurant are so happy all the time. 'Hey guys, tortillas are ready! Ole!'

BABY!!!!

Since Facebook keeps predicting I'd have a baby this year.   

 I begged Austin. And finally he agreed. We decided to take the plunge.

 Our friend Loni wished really hard for us. That's her rubbing the genie's lamp.

 

Austin and I had a baby. A Dutch baby. (Not that one.)

 

That one.

 And it tasted GOOD.

Oh, Emun Elliott, if I could have you, what would you do with me?

The F Word

We were watching the latest season of Daredevil. Matt was talking about Karen to Sister Maggie.

Matt: It's not like that. We're just friends.

Sister Maggie: Oh, the F word.

Austin: Oh, they use the F word all the time in My Little Pony. It's even in their title. Fship is Magic.

Me: Don't go there.

Austin: F you and F that.

Me: F you.

Dessert Extravaganza

Austin: And since we have bananas and cream cheese, we could have banana bread one night too.
Me: Cherry cake, brownies and now you want banana bread.
Austin: Someone who loves me would make it for me.
Me: I don’t know why you’re looking at me. 

Double D's

Mom: The doctor upped me to three D’s. I was already taking two D’s, but now it’s three.
Austin, touching his man breasts: Pretty soon, I’m going to need a 34 double D.
Mom, indicating his rear: What? On your backside?
Me: We keep eating the way we have and your wife is going to be a double D.
Austin, touching his man breasts again: No, I’m talking about me. (He rubs his stomach) I’m going to be a double D soon.
Me, poking his tummy: That’s not a double D.
Austin: I know. That’s an A plus.

Love of my Life

I leaned in close, touched Austin’s cheek, looked deep in his eyes.
Me: You are the love of my life.
Austin, great big sneeze right in my face.

Biscoff

Austin brought home a whole bunch of Biscoff cookies for me.
Austin: I kept a few for myself, like three or four at my desk. (I ate three or four while he told me this.) But I figured I’d end up eating a few of yours too.
Me, my hand over the remainder: You won’t eat them if you can’t find them.

Chicken

Me: I pulled the pork down, but it’s not even close to thawed, so I figured we’d do chicken.
Austin: Okay.
Me: Any input on what you’d like?
Austin: Chicken.
Me: Any input on what you’d like me to do with the chicken besides shove it up your nose?
Austin: Cook it.
Me, growling.
Austin: Cook it all the way through.
Me: So much for poisoning you with salmonella.

New Year's Kiss

Austin pulled his trash can over to his chair.
Me: You planning to vomit?
Austin: Only if you kiss me.
So I gave him a deep, sloppy one.