Fiddling Around

Me, talking about flirting with a young stallion at a fiddling contest earlier today.

Me: Wyatt might like an older woman who's got a house and has her life together.

Austin: If you've got your life together, why'd you marry me?

Me: I like a challenge.

I Know . . .

Austin: I know you're going to hate me for saying this.

Me: I already hate you. Fire away.

Alphabet

Austin: Would you like some tea.
Me: Yes.
Kiss.
Me: And you. And V. WXYZ.

Cheese

Austin asked me to get provolone or baby Swiss, whatever was on sale.
Via text:
Me: Jumping jack and Colby are the sale items. What do you prefer?
Austin: I still want provolone.
Me: K
Austin: J

Down

Me: Mom’s on her way up.
Austin: With your mom’s attitude, I’m surprised she’s not on her way down.

Out of My Way

I was moving the TV to the dresser from the entertainment center. Austin gets in my path, then gives me a look.
Me: What?
Austin: Just trying to get out of your way.
Me: Going upstairs isn’t going to solve that.

Surgery Stress

Surgery is almost here. Can't wait. So sick of this dragging out.
Me: Just a few more hours and I won't be crazy anymore.
Austin: Promise?

Surgery

As my hysterectomy is eminent, my anxiety levels go up. The notion that I'll die under anesthesia is low, but when my mother was in surgery 38 years ago, the doctors lost her and had to get her back.

Also, I've never had major surgery before. I'm concerned about the pain and the recovery time. Austin reminds me that I'm relatively young and healthy. I should recover quickly and have little pain. *Insert comment about Austin being plenty of pain here.

Austin: Maybe they'll cut out everything, your vagina, your urethra, everything. And reroute it so you'll pee out your nipple.

Hand over face.

Austin: Maybe they'll mess it up and you'll have one little inch hanging there like "Hedwig and the Angry Inch."
Me: I already have 71 inches right here [indicating Austin] that I don't know what to do with.

Bed

Austin: I think I'm going to go to bed. [Pointing at his bed] Probably that one.

More Riverdale

Just watched the episode of Riverdale where Alice finds out Betty and Jughead are having sex. And she flips out.

Me: That's the first realistic teenage conversation I've seen on this show.

Later:

Me: You know, Riverdale is sort of like Scooby-Doo with lots of sex. And let's unmask the bad guy. Oh, it's Cheryl's dad! Oh, it's Veronica's dad! Oh, it's Betty's dad.

Sorry for the spoiler is you didn't know Betty's dad was evil.

 

The Spoon

Austin asked me to start a cup of tea for him, so I boiled the water. Then I put in a bag of Earl Grey. I let it steep, but he still hadn’t come down to the kitchen. So I added sugar. Sometimes he takes cream and sometimes not. His door creaks and within moments, he’s next to me in the kitchen.

Me: I was just about to text and ask if you wanted me to hit it with a splash of cream. I already added sugar. I did it just the way you do. Filled the scoop half way, eyeballed it to make sure that it was level, dumped it in, all except for a pinch in the bottom, which I returned to the sugar jar.
Austin: But you used a different spoon. That won’t do. 

Just so you know how important this spoon is to him, here are pictures taken the very next day when he dropped the spoon between the fridge and the counter. Yes, he moved the fridge in his bathrobe just to get to that spoon.

 

Toccata

Me, Mom and Austin ventured to lunch together, to meet the old JCP crew. After an excellent meal and great conversation, we packed into Austin’s car to head home. Austin's bluetooth links so his car radio and Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor started playing.
Austin: Didn’t we just hear that on the way here?
Me: Yeah.
Austin: It’s because of the company. [Indicates Mom in the backseat.] That’s a smart phone.


In case you forgot what Toccata sounds like. And that organ is beautiful.

My To-Do List

While Austin was working on the shelving project, I decided to hunt up my to-do list and get some work done. I had left it on the kitchen counter, so I went to get it.
But it wasn't there. I moved some caramels that I had packaged up as gifts, a few dishes. I started to get angry when I thought Austin had likely discarded it. So I look in the trash. The recycle bin. Still nada.
Me: Have you seen my to-do list?
Austin: No. Where did you have it last?
Me: The kitchen.
Austin: I would have only moved it to make tea.
So I go through, lift everything in the kitchen again, look in the trash again. And the recycle bin again. I pulled out discarded papers, but none of them were it. Then I walk through the piano room. On a bookshelf, Austin has been scratching on a piece of paper. I snatch it up. Sure enough, on the back side.
Austin: Oh. I didn't realize that was yours.

It even has my name on it. SMH.

Knee Surgery

Just got back from visiting my mother-in-law, who had knee surgery. She put the fear of God in me. Or rather, awoke my fear of pain.
Me: She needs Oxycontin just to make it through the day. What kind of pain will I be in?
Austin: Yours won't be as bad. You won't have to do physical therapy. Could you imagine? Uterine crunches?

Libido

I was reading an article off the internet.

Me: It says that after a hysterectomy, my libido will increase. You can't keep up with my libido now.
Austin: Who knows. Maybe sex without a condom will be so amazing that my libido will increase sexponentially. 

Cue me rolling eyes.

I'm Normal!

Austin's had a sinus infect for the past week.

Austin: I feel pretty good right now. I’m actually pretty close to back to normal.
Me: You’re not normal.
Austin, snatching me up in his arms: I’m normal! I’m normal!

Roswell

Me: They keep showing advertisements for the new Roswell. It actually looks pretty good.
Austin: That’s good. I never watched the original Roswell.
Me: I did. I liked it. I may not like the new Roswell because I liked the original so much. I hope I like it.
Austin: Well, you know what they say. All's well that’s Roswell.

Fortune Cookie

Poor Austin. He even loses when it comes to fortune cookies. Even greater irony, he opened this on our six year wedding anniversary.

Austin, showing me his fortune: Look.
Me: Sucks being you.

Christmas Gift 2018

Got this for Austin for Christmas. It should be here next week. I think... Only a few weeks late.

Bookshelves

Austin wants to hang shelves on the walls for my books and get rid of all the bookshelves. While I got rid of 25% of my books recently, I still have thousands (not joking) left.
Me: I just don’t think it’s realistic that wall shelves will handle my collection.
Austin: It’s fine. We just have to put the shelves in the studs.
Me: I don’t see it happening.
Austin: All we have to do is find the studs.
Me, staring blankly at the wall.
Austin: I said we just have to find some studs in this house.
Me: I heard you. It’s too easy.

Tomatoes

Austin: It's a little thing. I'm being picky. But since you have to make a special trip for fresh basil anyway, would you get cherry tomatoes?

Me: I just bought Roma tomatoes.

Austin: I know. I like cherry tomatoes better.

Me: There's a pound, untouched, sitting in the kitchen.

Austin: I like cherry tomatoes better.

Later:

Austin talking about being a millennial and how spoiled he is.

Me: Like wanting grape tomatoes when we have Roma tomatoes?

Austin: Cherry tomatoes.

Dayton, Ohio

We were watching Supernatural.
Austin: Makes perfect sense, the apocalyptic hell is in Dayton, Ohio. 

We live in Ohio, in case you forgot. :D

Dayton, Ohio as Hell 

 

Obvious

Me, hugging Austin: I just can’t stop loving you.
Austin: I don’t know why you try.
Me: I thought that was obvious.

Wedding Gift

Austin & I were discussing what to give his nephew and fiancee for their wedding.

Me: I was think $100. They've got two kids together. They don't need stuff. They need the money.

Austin: I’m going to get them a tattoo to commemorate it. On my ass. If they ask about their gift, I’ll just whip out my tattoo.

Valentine's Day

Me: Would you like me to make a tiramisu for Valentine's Day?
Austin: You don't have to wait for Valentine's Day.

Hunk Withdraw

Austin & I are still watching Riverdale and if I just think of the actors as college students instead of high school students, I'm okay with that. I have a particular soft spot for Jughead. I just want to squeeze him and bake him cookies.

And I'm still looking for an Emun Elliott replacement. And don't suggest Archie. The red hair just doesn't work for me.

Me: I think I'm going to have a crush on Cole Sprouse. The actual actor is 26, so that's not that bad.
Austin: Whatever you want.

He so doesn't care about my personal dilemmas.

Yes. Yes it does matter that he's 26. I feel like a dirty old woman.

Emun Elliott, you will just have to make my eyes happy until something better comes along. I'm sorry I ever considered replacing you.

Home Depot

Mom: Home Depot is hiring.

Me: I know.

Mom: You could get a job there, buy all your renovation materials, then quit.

Me: I've already had that thought.

Cut My Hair

Austin: I’d like it if you’d help me cut my hair.
Me: I’d love to.
Austin: I don’t like the way you said that. 

In case you forgot how long and beautiful my husband's hair is.