Hair

Austin: I took a shower last night, then I fell asleep without taking care of my hair and now it looks all weird.
Me: I hate to tell you this, but your hair looks pretty much the same.
Austin grumbled.
Me: And I don’t hate telling you that much.

Ice Cream

Me: I want something chocolate, ice creamy.
Austin: I think I still have some instant pudding. You can have that.
So, I start whipping that up. And I remember we’ve also got some Andes mints in the cupboard.
Austin: And If you wanted to go really decadent, I’ve got Andes mints you can crunch up and mix in.
Me: I was just thinking that. I love it when you can read my mind.
Austin: I don’t. I don’t want to see Emun Elliott running around up there.

Check Movies

Me: Work was offering extensions this weekend, but we have the yard sale tomorrow and then I told them you and I had plans on Sunday. I wasn’t comfortable signing up for Sunday without talking to you.
Austin: If you wanted to work, I would be fine with that. You don’t have to ask me. (He was really concerned about this.)
Me: I know. But we talked about seeing the Incredibles this Sunday.
Austin: We could do that another time.
Me: Austin, if I really wanted to, I wouldn’t ask your permission. I was using you as an excuse.

PJ's

Austin’s in his bacon lounge pants and I’m in my jalapeño lounge pants. The fire detector died, so we needed to get more 9-volt batteries.
Me, deep sigh: So. You wanna get dressed and go into Newark to buy 9-volt batteries?
Austin, also deep sigh: We could go up the street to Family Dollar. They’re the Wal-Mart of our place. They’re probably used to people coming in in their pj’s.

Door

Austin: The door was stuck. But don't worry. I took care of it. You're lucky you live with a nice, strong man.

Me: Who's the new roommate?

Stud Finder

So, Austin disappeared for about half an hour, so I went downstairs to find him.
Austin: I was going to work on the shelf project again. But the stud finder died, so I had to stop.
Me, shaking my head.
Austin: I know, pretty tough on the stud finder with me in the house.
Me: Not what I was thinking.
Austin: Anyway, I made some tea and I was about to come back upstairs. No point working on the shelves if I can’t find any studs.
Me: Not in this house, anyway.

I Love You More ...

Me: Have I told you how much I love you yet today?
Austin: I don’t think so.
Me: I love you more than my My Little Pony footies.
Austin: Don’t even lie to me this early in the morning.

Shorts

Austin bought a new pair of shorts and tried them on to see how they fit.
Austin: How do they look?
Me: Fine, but you have a couple of butt dots.
Austin: What?
So then he's over in the mirror.
Austin: I don't see them.
So I point them out.
Me: They're kind of like hanger dimples you get in your shirts from where they hang on the hangers.
Austin: I always called those hanger nipples.

Lunch

Austin and I were eating lunch together.
Me: Do you want to try some of this? [Indicating my salad.]
Austin: You can have it. I’m just trying to get through this sandwich. It’s a battle.
Me: You’re a battle.
Austin: You’re a battle ax.

Righteous Recycling Revengers

Me: I really hate that people don’t recycle. We’ve got recycling facilities and people are just lazy and don’t do it. But then, I know we can’t do anything about it and I just take a deep breath and let it go.
Austin: Maybe we can do something about it. We can become superheroes. Righteous Recycling Revengers. I’m going to write that comic book. Captain Planet is now a bad ass who chases down litterers and blows up their cars.

Twenty Years

Me: So, my mom was saying my nephew and his new girlfriend are rushing into marriage. They haven't been together a whole year and they're already talking about tying the knot. Mom said they’ll end up married for twenty years then divorce.
Austin: Twenty years isn’t bad in today’s society.
Me: Are you telling me we’re only going to be married twenty years? We’ve got fourteen years left?
Austin: That’s generous.

Hot Dog

Austin: What do I smell? Do you smell that?
Me: No. I smell my mint tea. I smell your incense standing next to your desk.
Austin: It smells like hot dogs with catsup.
Me: There are no hot dogs in this house. Hot dogs are not welcome in this house.
Austin: I know, but my nose tells me hot dog with catsup. Are we going to doubt my brain? Or my sense of smell?
Me: Are you seriously asking me that?
Austin: You’re right. There’s a hot dog in this room somewhere.

It's 10:00

Me: It’s 10:00. Are you going to have enough time to get ready?
Austin: I took a shower last night. All I have to do is throw some clothes on.
Me: Just making sure. I don’t trust you.
Austin: I don’t trust you either.

Scissors

Austin: I can honestly say that’s something you do that drives me crazy.
Me: What?
Austin: Not putting the scissors back when you’re finished with them. You leave them on the cutting board.
Me: Yeah. I hate that when you do it too.
Austin: Maybe you didn’t put them back and forgot you were the one who used them last.
I gave him a look.
Austin: We’ll put that down as something we both need to work on.

Dinner

Austin: Thanks for making dinner. It turned out really good.
Me: I’m glad. It didn’t turn out anything like I wanted it to. I’m glad you liked it.
Austin: I was being polite.

Power Puff Girls

Austin: I don't know if you remember the Power Puff Girls, but my manager Justin said I was a Blossom when I'm obviously a fucking Bubbles. Sheesh! I hate Blossom!

Cement Spreader

I have to make a minor cement repair to the outside of the house. Austin was asking if I need a spreader.
Austin: Holy cow! $31! I can go to a kitchen store and get the same thing for twelve bucks!

Library Sign

We were driving through Westerville. Austin pointed out the library sign, a person reading a book.

Austin: You know, that sign should be even simpler. It should just be a book. Or the word, LIBRARY.

Me: It's the national symbol for library. All library signs look like that.

Austin: If you're looking for a library and can't read signs, you've got a problem.

Rigor Mortis

I read this meme to Austin.

Austin: Mine was even worse. It started when I got married.

More Beard

Austin is really taking this beard thing too far.

Austin: Ohhh, stop whining.
Me: I shave my beard for you.

Adventure Title

The grumpiest spy in the bookstore is married to the scrappiest unicorn in the coffee shop.

Strangely appropriate...guess who's grumpy and who's a unicorn.

Beard

Me: So, when are you getting rid of this beard thing?
Austin: When it stops bothering you.

Peach Fuzz

Me: Am I going to have to put up with that bit of peach fuzz on your chin much longer?
Austin: No. In couple of days, it'll be longer than peach fuzz.

Austin does Monty Python’s Holy Grail.

Dishes

Me: I know you’re going to be busy today, but I’d like this to be spotless by the time I get home.
Austin: Ha! Keep dreaming.

Austin: response:

Most Wonderful Man...

Me: You’re the most wonderful man in the world.
Austin: You’re a horrible liar, but thank you.
Me: You’re the most wonderful man in this kitchen.

Peach Fuzz

Me: Am I going to have to put up with that bit of peach fuzz on your chin much longer?
Austin: No. In couple of days, it'll be longer than peach fuzz.

The New Trash

Austin checked the interior of our electric kettle. Some calcium build up remained on the coil.
Austin: It looks like this still needs to soak in more vinegar.
Me: I was soaking it earlier, but I dumped it when you got home. I thought you’d want to make some tea. I can soak it again later.
Austin: I’ll do it.
Me: You’ll do it? You never do it.
Austin: I’ve done it before.
Me: You have?
Austin: Yeah, I’ve done it twice.
Me: Twice, in six, seven years? Wow. Keep this up and it’ll be like taking out the trash. I’ll lose count of how many times you’ve done it.

Lace Shorts for Men

I saw this picture of this fashion "trend" and thought wow. Even Austin wouldn't wear these.

In fact, Austin didn't believe it was a real trend, so I had to take him to the website selling them and show him, he could in fact have a pair of his own for just $42. Should not surprise me that the boutique selling these, Hologram City, is in California. Californians seem to think a lot of fashion trends are a good idea...

Nevertheless, if you want a pair of your very own, visit this link:

Lace Shorts For Men

Be quick, when I posted the link, they had already sold out of the mint green and yellow.

Later...
Me: Graduation is today.
Austin: So?
Me: I'm just telling you. It'll probably be busy at the high school. Which means we might have cars parked by our house and it might be fun trying to get around today.
Austin: It means I can finally perform that streak show I've always dreamed of.
Me: Nope.
Austin: I'll just run through the auditorium.
Me: You're too recognizable.
Austin: It's not illegal.
Me: Guess again. Indecent exposure. The police are only a block away.
Austin: Fine. I'll wear underwear.
Me: Or better yet, lace shorts.

So if you see a streaker in these lace shorts, it was my husband.

Melon Baller

I cut the watermelon in half.
Austin: Are you going to use a melon baller on that?
Me, producing an implement from the kitchen drawer.
Austin: That’s a tomato shark.
Me: Then no.

For Adults

This post is a bit ....

    ....adult.

Um, let me be vague.

Austin and I decided to try to grapefruit bj.

https://flipboard.com/@cosmopolitan/your-step-by-step-guide-to-giving-a-grapefruit-blowjob/a-5MzeDZ9KQMydxptolMf0Iw:a:16801122-a466bab279/cosmopolitan.com

Copy the link for the video. Instructions.

One of the suggestions, if you don't like grapefruit, you can substitute a navel orange. Me, I prefer oranges.

Now we say, Orange is the New Black.