Summer Cleaning

Discussing the etagere in the half-bath.
Austin: My mom got me the bottles, so I’d really like to keep those. And I like the oil dispenser. So I want to keep that. I think everything on the second shelf can go.
Me: My cat stuff.
Austin: Yeah.
Me: So you want to keep all your stuff and get rid of all of mine.
Austin: Yeah.

Christmas in July

Austin style...

He's beating our rug with a Christmas tree stake while wearing a ‘Chillin’ like a villain’ Star Wars tee. Only here, folks.

Tink

Boxing up crap & taking it to a local thrift store. I took a picture of Tink playing in the junk I was cleaning out.
Me: Do you mind if I get rid of the vacuum?
Austin: No. You can get rid of anything you want in the living room. I got everything I wanted out. So you can get rid if it.
Later, Austin: I just noticed Tink was in that picture you sent me. Don’t get rid of her.

Parking

On our way to go to lunch.
Me: I haven’t taken my walk yet today.
Austin: Don’t worry. I’ll just park far away.

Field

Driving past a brownish field on the way home.
Austin: What’s growing in that field over there?
Me: Weeds.

Lawful Good

Austin and I frequently argue over our D&D designations. I think I'm neutral good, but Austin insists I'm lawful good. I think I have too many traffic infractions to be lawful good . . .

Austin was ranting about the dress code at work, that not even the managers follow. But Austin follows it.

Austin: Look, no rips, a button-down shirt, dress shoes. X wears ripped jeans, Nike's and tees. With hoodies. All together. All the time!

Me: You know, forget my D&D designation, you're lawful good.

Austin: I'm not lawful good.

Me: You're the one ranting that no one follows procedure and no one follows the dress code. You did the same thing at JCP. You kept a little note pad with everything you did by procedure and how long it took. And you noted who all didn't do it that way.

Austin: I'm lawful neutral. Not lawful good. I follow the rules, right or wrong. I don't care about good and the betterment of society.

Me: Well, I thought it was a stretch saying you were lawful good with all the Mary Jane you smoke . . . but okay. Lawful neutral it is. And I'm neutral good.

Austin: You're lawful good.

Me: Do we have to have this argument again?

Nun Wearing Lipstick

Austin & I were watching Paint It Black, Supernatural.

Me: That nun is wearing makeup.

Austin: It could be the light.

Me: I'm overlooking how young and pretty that nun is. She's wearing rose blush lipstick. I own that shade.

Austin: Maybe that's her natural lip color.

Me: They look glossy.

Austin: Maybe she licks her lips a lot.

Me: In that case, she wouldn't look like she's wearing lipstick. Her lips would be red and chapped.

Finishing School

Austin had a couple of books. I grabbed one and put it on top of my head.
Me: Oooo! Let’s play finishing school! This is what they used to make girls do in the 1800 and early 1900’s [walking with the book balanced on my head].
Austin: [copying me, affecting a feminine tone] Not girls like me.

Perfect Man

Austin: This is the perfect box.

Me: You’re the perfect man. For me.

Austin: It’s good that you added on that last part.

Me: I’m not stupid.

Soft Hands

Me: You're hands are so soft.
Austin: It's because I don't work.
Me: Don't I know it.

The Love

Me, thinking what I'm going to message to Denise for the awesome chocolate chunk cookies: Thanks for the cookies. I really liked them, especially all the love.
Me, out loud: I’ve got to message Denise about the cookies and thank her for them.
Austin: Did you eat all of them?
Me: Of course I did.
Austin: When you thank her, be sure to thank her for the love.
Me: That is exactly what I’m going to say. 

This is a link to the awesome cookies, if you're interested:

https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2017/08/bravetart-chocolate-chip-cookies-recipe.html 

Resuscitation

Austin was watching Thor while I was reading various articles.
Me: I know this is off topic, but I don’t want resuscitated in extreme cases.
Austin: I would want medical professionals to do everything they can to save your life.
Me: Medical professionals can break your ribs in resuscitation attempts. I don’t want that.
Austin: That’s just cracked ribs. You can recover from that.
Me: I know. I mean, I don’t want to be hooked up to machines. I don’t want feeding tubes. If there’s no brain activity, I don’t want CPR. I don’t want it if there’s no chance of meaningful recovery.
Austin, still unsettled: Well okay. [After a pause.] I’m glad that Thor inspired you to tell me this.

Great Relationship

Me: I’m amazed at how many people think you and I have a great relationship based on my dysfunctional posts on Facebook.
Austin: We have a good relationship.
Me: The posts I put on Facebook make it look like we’re mean to each other.
Austin: We never fight.
Me: We’ll have to try harder.
Austin: No. You always win.

Found Jesus

Me: A Jehovah’s Witness stopped by today.
Austin: Oh?
Me: Yeah. I told her I’d already found God.
Austin: Was he behind the couch?

This conversation continued after I stopped laughing. Me: You know, he might be. I haven’t gotten that far.
Austin: You should have told her that. ‘Yes ma’am, I found Jesus. I’ve been cleaning house. I moved some of the throw pillows, did some dusting and there he was.’

I've been told to watch for lighting.

Headache

Austin: I have a headache.
Me: I have a headache too. But I’m not going to divorce you to get rid of it.

D&D

Austin was showing me a spreadsheet of spells and D&D characters.
Austin: Are you sure you don’t want to play Dungeons and Dragons with me?
Me: I might want to play with Shawn and I’d be okay if you happen to be there.
Austin: That wouldn’t work.
Me: Why?
Austin: I’m the DM. You have to do what I say.
My laughter was so loud, the neighbors could hear me.

Speculation

Austin & I were watching Supernatural, the story arc where Sam falls in love with this woman whose husband is missing, presumed dead. And suddenly the husband returns. (Season Eight, various episodes.)
Austin: If you thought I had died and you and Emun Elliott got into a relationship, then I suddenly came back, would you return to me?
Me: No way.
Austin: But we have a wonderful, loving relationship.
Me: If I could successfully bag Emun Elliott and we were having a happy relationship, no, I wouldn’t leave him for you.
Austin sticks out his lip and whimpers.
Me: You wanted me to be honest.
Austin: Lie to me.
Me: I do that all the time. 

Mineral Spirits

Me: I was looking up how to clean and buff our new floor on the internet. It says vinegar, which is fine. But it also suggests mineral spirits. Mineral spirits is a stripper. I can’t believe they want me to clean the floor with a stripper.
Austin: I want to see that. You on all fours on the floor with a stripper. How much will it cost me to see you clean with a stripper?

Fatty Deposit

Me: My doctor says the bump on my shoulder is probably just a fatty deposit and if it’s not bothering me, I don’t need to remove it.
Austin: What if it bothers me? What if the thing attached to the fatty deposit bothers me?

Rare Form

Me: You’re in rare form. I was just thinking you haven’t been in rare form for a while.
Austin: What?
Me: Usually you say three or four things that are funny in a week, that I think are share worthy.
Austin: I’m going to remember that you said that. Three or four things a week. You think I’m funny. Me. And it’s not just sex, because we don’t have it that often. You think I’m funny.

Wendy's Frosty

Austin & I ran to Wendy’s.
Austin: I think I left my wallet in the car. Or I dropped it in the yard while carrying in our food.
Me: That’s not something you should wait on. You should go out and find it.
Austin, indicating the Frosty he was eating: Priorities.

PDA

I put my arm around Mom’s shoulder.
Mom: Are you going to tell me you love me again?
Me: I was thinking about it.
Mom: Well, let’s not be doing that. We can only take so much of that kind of stuff in a single day.
Me: Austin likes it when I say it to him all of the time.
Mom: He doesn’t seem very bright, does he?
Me: Not very.

Wedded Bliss

Austin & I just went to a reception for one nephew's wedding. Then we discussed our other nephew and his girlfriend.

Austin: He's in love. Let him enjoy it while it lasts.

Me: It ends soon enough.

Austin: It ended way soon for me.

So I punched him.

Austin: Just kidding. Every time I look at you, the feeling of being in love comes over me all over again. That's how I know I'm crazy.

Lunch

I paid for lunch today.

Austin: You didn't have to do that.

Me: I felt like treating you.

Austin: Like something other than awful?

Our Cat Mouse

Me: Lovely sound this morning, Mouse convulsing, preparing to vomit. So I grab a towel and put it down before him. He scuttles backwards. So I move the towel. More scuttling. Finally vomits 180 degrees from where he starts convulsing. So I wipe that up. As I’m mopping up that vomit, he convulses and vomits again, so I have no chance of preventing the vomit from hitting the floor. Cat ownership is so much fun. 

Austin: Maybe we’ll have Chinese food for dinner. 

Mouse isn't worried.

Our Good Friend Loni

Let me just take a moment to apologize for my husband and say that Loni was laughing her ass off when we told her this one.

Austin & I are having a party at the end of the month. We sent out a general invite and our friend Loni, whose in a wheelchair, came back with a reply that she was celebrating her anniversary that weekend. So Austin is going to call her and ask her if she legitimately wants to come, i.e., we'll change the party date to accommodate her, while reminding her that we live 45 minutes from her home and our house was built in 1846 (not handicap accessible).

Me: I'd love it if she came, but 45 minutes here, a couple of hours hanging out. Then another 45 minutes home and stairs to both the front and back door. If her wheelchair can even fit through the door. Depends...

Austin: You suggest that one.

Me: We could get her to a restroom, but it'd be inconvenient. My sister's house is up the street. I think the school it locked up for the summer.

Austin: It'd be better if she stopped at Subway on the way in, then stopped at Subway on her way out.

Me: That's true.

Austin: But then there's the awkwardness of using the bathroom and not buying anything. They might give her a hard time about it.

Me: Nah, she's in a wheelchair. People are always supportive of people in wheelchairs.

Austin: You're right. She could just crap on our lawn. All the guests would applaud her and call her inspiring.

Yard Sales

Cassie gets loose frequently. Austin & I were walking the neighborhood, Cassie on a leash, while browsing the yard sales.

Austin: What we need to do is stick a sign on Cassie, $25.00, so if she gets loose, people will just think we're trying to sell her.

Me: Uh-huh.

Austin: It's a good idea. Someone might be interested. We could see what we can get.

Me: I've been trying to sell you for years. Doesn't work.

Sisterhood

Every time I walk by the feminine care section, I celebrate a little. Has to be getting old for Austin. But this time, I was a little sad too.

Me: I kind of miss being part of the sisterhood, talking about periods and tampons and stuff.

Austin: That's the way I feel too. I kind of miss talking about having to buy condoms and how they feel.

Me: Do guys really stand around talking about condoms?

Austin: No.

Sugar

Austin was in my way as usual.
Me: J’ai besoin du sucre.
Austin: What?
Me: I’m in need of some sugar.
Austin swept me up in his arms and hugged me.

Asperber's

Our friends have a teenage son who they recently had screened for an autism spectrum disorder, formerly known as Asperger's. I've met him. He's a nice, if somewhat shy, boy. I would have never guessed there was anything “wrong” with him.

Me: He's thirteen. And they're just now diagnosing?

Austin: They suspected, but they didn't think it was serious and just now got it checked out.

Me: I think that's proof that autism has been around a long time and we just haven't been diagnosing it. Long before all this vaccine drama.

Austin: I think you're right.

Me: When I was a kid, kids didn't have ADHD. I mean, I know there are legitimate cases out there, but I think when I was a kid, parents put up with overactive children. Now parents medicate it. If they were pill crazy when I was a kid, I would have been diagnosed with ADHD. I don't think I have autism, but you know, I was anti-social as a kid. I could have been diagnosed with autism.

Austin: Nah, you're just a bitch.

Salt Grinder

Austin & I have gotten onto rock salt in our household, so it became necessary to get a salt grinder.
Austin: $15! *%&* I can’t believe it’s $15!
Me: I can. I just replace our can opener. $12. I thought maybe it’d be cheaper on Wish or Amazon, but only by a dollar or two and it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. A jar opener is $18. Here’s a salt grinder that’s on sale for $12.
Austin, whine, complain, etc.: Well, I guess we need it and this one has the salt already in it.
Me: That’s true.
Austin, catching sight of the same brand in pepper mills: Should we get a pepper mill to match?
Me: Are you serious?

You're Killing Me

I had stabbing pains in my abdomen this morning, so I called in sick to work. I texted Austin around 9:00 to let him know the pain was better, just sore and tired.
Austin: If you’re feeling up to it, could you go down and take my laundry out of the washer and put it into the dryer for me? I like one dryer sheet in with my load.
Me: Because it's you, I’ll pry my &^# out of bed and change your laundry over. If you find me on the floor of the basement dead when you get home, you’ll know why.
Austin: You’re like an Indian mama. “Two spoons of chocolate? Why don’t you stab me with this knife because you’re killing me.”

Reference to a comedienne we've recently discovered: