Minus

 Yesterday, Austin & I were driving around Columbus. Siri kept telling us, “Exit Sr minus 62. Go north on Interstate minus 270.” 

Yes, it was really was saying minus.

Austin: Dash.

Smh.

Birthday

 Me: We need to go visit your parents this weekend too.

Austin: Oh yeah, that’s right. [Glumly, as if getting presents is a chore.] My mom is going to ask me what I want for my birthday.

Me: Tell her you got everything when you met me.

Austin: Tiramisu.

Me: Which I make for you every birthday. And a blowjob, which I give you every birthday.

Austin: I’m not going to put that on a list for my mom.

Ice Cream Emergency

 So, last night, Austin wanted ice cream. The night before I wanted ice cream. So when Austin mentioned ice cream, I ran to the dollar store and bought 2 packages of ice cream. By the looks of their cases, Austin & I were not the only ones who experienced an ice cream emergency.

Me, hugging Austin: Do you know how much I love you?

Austin: Enough to go get pizza for dinner.

Me, coming out of the embrace.

Austin: Is that a no?

Me: I dropped everything and ran out and got ice cream yesterday. Now you want me to run out and get pizza? By myself?

Austin: That was a test. You failed.

Fun With Bats

 For some reason, Austin & I were reminiscing about the time we had a bat in our house.

Me: I can’t believe your mom and X both were like, “You should have killed it.”

Austin: We used to get bats in the house all the time when I was little. My mom really believed killing them was the only way to keep them out.

Me: I’ve had three bats in this house in over 20 years. Bats do not go and tell their friends to come to our house.

Austin: Not with our cats. Those bats are thankful to get out alive. They warn their friends to stay away from our house. Poor traumatized bat.

Me: Y was proud of me for not killing it. We don’t kill things in our house. Bees, bats, spiders, they’re all useful creatures and help nature. We do not murder—

Austin: It’s not murder. They’re breaking into our house. It’s self-defense.

Widowers

I have had a ton of friend requests from handsome widowers who are Americans, but are in other countries. Seriously, I’m getting a request every few days.

Me: Clearly I’m not posting enough about the joys of being a married woman.

Practice Makes ...

 Austin & I were taking Cassie (our dog) out for a walk. It’s my job to clean up after her.

Me: Good Lord, look at the size of that poo. She just pooed this morning. That dog shouldn’t be able to have that much poo in her body.

Austin: Practice makes perfect.

Mormons

 Austin turned on Netflix and put this show on.

Me: I don’t think it’s related to the musical.

Health Nots

 Austin: Quinoa, lentils, spinach. We’re regular health nuts.

Me: I don’t think anyone who eats as much chocolate as you and I do can qualify as health nuts.

Sects

Me: I started watching that Age of Samurai show on Netflix.

 Austin: How was it?

Me: Pretty good. It wasn’t what I wanted. I’ve been more into China lately and Japanese history is really different. But it was still pretty good. All the talk of the warring sects was like the sects in Untamed.

Austin: I’m sure it’s nothing like the sex in Untamed.

Me: &*@^&