Very lackluster discovery. Took him 24 hours to find it.
Austin: What’s this pink thing in the fridge? What is it?
Me, coming into the kitchen.
Austin: It expired in 2015.
I have to take the jar out of the fridge and show him it’s a picture of him, he still isn’t getting it.
Austin, finally realizing what’s happened: My wife, the refrigerator prankster.
I saw this meme a few weeks ago:
So you know I’ve got to do it.
My version:
The trap is baited and set. Now we wait.
Possibly for months. Austin isn’t the most perceptive person sometimes.
Me: I just posted the photos of our dogs six minutes ago and I’ve already got two likes and one loves.
Austin: Of course. People love dogs. And apparently have nothing to do at 5:17 in the afternoon.
Austin: Not only is it National Dog Day, it’s the day women got the right to vote.
Me: It’s also National Toilet paper Day.
Austin: Great. Celebrate women by calling them b*tches and wiping your @$$.
Austin & I were talking about the yard sale we’re going to have Labor Day weekend.
Me: And we need to bring these bags up (a stack of geneology society bags) to pack up people’s purchases.
Austin: I’m going to make hot dogs and lemonade.
Me: That’ll be a great way to show off that the toaster oven works.
Austin, gives me a look.
Me: Of course, warm lemonade will be kind of weird.
Austin: If it’s warm, no one will believe it’s lemonade.
Austin & I have had many disputes over Tess. She’s basically in good health, but she has a skin condition and is hairless from the waist down. We’re constantly arguing over what she looks like.
Austin: No, she’s a pig. Look at her curlicue tail.
Me: That’s a straight tail. It’s like a rat’s.
Austin: It’s curly. I’m going to get a curling iron and turn it into a ringlet.
Me: And I’m going to get her some pants.
Austin: Nah. Porky Pig never wears pants.
Mom’s house is overrun with fleas. I spray my clothes, tuck in my pants… I’ve de-flea-ed the animals, but they’re still ridiculous.
Austin: What you need to do is get a pair of those cheap flea collars and wear them like ankle bracelets.
Cleaning out Mom’s purse.
Me: Mom had some of those updated heart candies. Look.
Austin: My boo. Ah. Am I your boo?
Me: You certainly scare me.
A local coffee shop has been advertising a muffuletta since October, coming soon. Mom was really looking forward to it. For Mardi Gras it wasn’t here. In May, not here. The last time we were in, Mom said rather loudly: I’ll be dead before that sandwich comes out.
When Austin and I were in, looking for a break from the tragedy of losing Mom, I noticed the sign still said, Coming Soon.
Me, leaning to Austin: If Mom were here, she’d say, “I told you so.”
Sadly, my mother has passed away. We are going through the difficult task of cleaning out her stuff.
Me: We don’t want this dry milk, right? It doesn’t expire until December 2022, but we won’t use it, right?
Austin: Sometimes, I like to have a big spoonful of dry milk.
Me: Am I going to have to hurt you?
Austin: Too late.
Austin started a cup of coffee. But the machine stopped halfway.
Austin: I could have gotten an app that alerts me when the water is low, but no, I trusted my brain to handle this.
Me: Do I even have to comment?
Austin bought a used Nespresso machine sometime ago and just recently ordered the welcome package. We’ve gotten the coffee before and the boxes are pretty small. This box was a couple feet high. Check out Nespresso’s website to get yours.
The gift arrived while Austin was on break, just before he had to go back to work. He’s still working from home…
Me: You better call off so you can appreciate your new coffee.
Austin, touching my arm: I’m so glad you understand.
So, Austin & I were going to go out with my brother-in-law for a belated birthday celebration. I had showered earlier, but hadn’t shaved. I felt my legs and thought they were okay.
Me: What do you think?
Austin, touching my leg: Aaaaggghh! I’m bleeding.
One of the things Austin and I did during his vacation was go canoeing. While paddling down the river, Austin said something that made me mad.
So I splashed him with the oar.
Austin, grabbing the oar: Don’t start something you can finish.
Me: We’re married. I’ve got the rest of our lives to finish it.
