Dateline

 I’ve been watching Dateline reruns all day, husband after husband murdering his wife.

Me: I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about you suddenly murdering me and throwing my body in a river.

Austin: It won’t be sudden.

Avocado

 I don’t like avocado, but it’s heart-healthy, so I’m adding a little to my diet. Austin loves avocado.

Austin: I like it with a little salt. The flavor really pops.

Me: I add avocado to my toast with a little cinnamon and sugar.

Austin: Well, yeah, you can do that if you want to be gross.

Me: If I can get used to your face, I can get used to avocado.

Merry Christmas

 Me: There was a baking incident.

Austin, checking out the damage: What happened? 

Me: The pie crust protector got stuck to the pie pan and dragged across the pie. I’ll give that one to Zach and Charmaine.

Austin, laughing.

Me: It’s not like he’s my favorite nephew.

Austin: He’s your only nephew.

Me: Robbie. (long pause) And the other one.

Pumpkin

 Me: There’s one slice of pumpkin bread left in the kitchen. You can have it. It was really good. I’ll have to make more… eventually.

Austin: You could make more for Christmas, pull it out of the oven right before we leave so your family can enjoy nice, warm pumpkin bread.

Me: In addition to the pies?

Austin: Maybe we can change it up a bit and you can do bread instead of pie. I know you’re trying to get rid of pumpkin. But then, the bread may not use as much pumpkin as the pies.

Me: Pumpkin bread uses eight ounces of pumpkin. Pie uses one pound of pumpkin. 

Austin: That’s a big difference.

Me: They’re different animals.

Austin: I thought they were vegetarian.

I have to take a minute before I can react. I pat Austin on the back.

Austin: Thank you.

Me: For what? Not killing you?

Austin: I would have liked a nice fake laugh, but I’ll take what I can get.

Prue’s Necklace

 While watching great British Baking Show, of Prue’s necklace, Austin: It looks like a cross between a spider and a jellyfish. I want to smack it off her neck.

The Sister-In-Law

 I tossed some cookie cutters with swear words on them into the thrift store pile.

Austin: You didn't even open them.

Me: I make cookies for my family and children. I'm not baking cookies that say, "Fuck Off."

Austin: I dread what we'll get from her for Christmas this year.

Me, groaning: She means well.

Austin: She means something. Like a question mark means something.

Tightening Cream

Me, rubbing Austin's tummy: I love my husband.

Austin: You don't love my flab.

Me: It's healthy. When you had a six-pack, you were dieting at an unhealthy level.

Austin, grabbing one of his new creams: This one is for tightening. I'm going to rub it all over my tummy, my butt. And if that works, I'll try it on your mouth.

Blue Eye Samaurai

  Austin was telling me about this anime he’s been watching.

Austin: There’s this samaurai. The girl is half English and half Japanese and no one knows she’s female. And she is ostracized for being half English. And she has blue eyes.

Me: She’s more than half English. For her to have blue eyes, her Japanese side would have to have married a blue eyed person and hidden it or it’s been forgotten, but the recessive blue gene would have had to be hiding in there somewhere for her then to have blue eyes with just one blue eyed parent.

Austin: This is an anime. It’s not about genetics.

Barbie Dreams

 Austin and I were listening to Barbie Dreams by Fifty Fifty. 

Me: I don’t want a pink corvette.

Austin: I want a pink corvette.

Me: With sparkles?

Austin: Of course. Is there another kind?

Nespresso

 A friend of ours was blaming Austin for his Nespresso machines breaking so frequently.

Me: No, it’s not him. Trust me, I’ve checked. You just push a button. If I could blame him, I would. I love blaming him for stuff.

Bathroom Shenanigans

 Austin: I’m sure you don’t want to hear about it, but after I burned the roof of my mouth yesterday, I just had skin peeling all day and all night. This morning when I brushed my teeth, there was still skin peeling off. It was awful.

Me: well, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but since you decided to share, I’ll share too. While you were taking a shower, I had to use the downstairs bathroom, which is never very good at flushing, but I really had to go, so I went. It took two flushes for number two to go down.

Austin: when I have to go, and you’re taking up the upstairs bathroom, I like to go in the sink.

Me: good grief.

Austin: I just run the water until it goes down.

Me: Shut up.

Austin: Sometimes, I take a fork and stir it around like it’s a big bubbling cauldron.