Vinegar

 Over the weekend, Austin asked me to clear out the last of the gallon vinegar container so he could use it to plant more vegetables. So I emptied the liter or so of vinegar into one of our numerous water bottles. I put some masking tape on the side and write “vinegar” in large letters.

This morning, Austin: Last night before bed, I was taking my fish oil and…

Me: And you used the vinegar instead.

Austin: Yes.

Me: I wrote vinegar on the side.

Austin: I know. It was an eye opening experience. But it was sitting on the counter with the other water bottles.

Me: It clearly said vinegar.

Austin: I know. It’s my own fault. But you didn’t tell me what you did with the vinegar.

Me: It was on the counter in plain sight.

Austin: I know. Clearly it’s my own fault. I’m just telling you a funny story.

It’s like he wants me to put these stories on FB.

Musselly

 Me: Your hands are kind of clammy.

Austin: Yeah. And my feet are oystery.

Me, groaning.

Austin: And my arms are musselly.

Gs

Austin: You complain about my handwriting. Look at those Gs. That looks like sin, not gin. And that’s a fishing hook in yogurt tubes. I don’t even know what that mess above it is.

Oh What a Beautiful....

 Austin: I'll probably leave around noon or twelve-thirty to go meet my brother.

Me: You got out of bed at eight o'clock this morning when you don't have to leave until twelve-thirty!?!?

Austin: I wanted to. The sun was shining brightly. It's a glorious, wonderful morning and I couldn't wait to see your gorgeous face.

Me: You are full of it, with a S-H in front of it.

Acute

 Me, putting angel hair pasta on the grocery list: I've seen angel misspelled so many times on FB lately, I almost put down angle instead of angel.

Austin: Angle hair. Hee-hee. Sometimes I have angle hair. It's kind of acute.

Me: You are obtuse.

Austin: You are acute.

Me: You are a cutie.

Dinner

 Austin : Paraphases, blah, blah. What do you want the rest of this week for dinner?

Me: I don’t care. 

Austin: I’m responsible for cooking this week. You’ll care if I don’t feed you. Next thing you know, it’ll be on Facebook.

Me: The good thing about me working this many hours, I won’t have time to post on Facebook.

Austin: You’ll make time.

Tess Takes After….

 Austin: Tess has a little rat face. So in that way, she takes after me. And she’s a little b&@$*%. So in that way, she takes after you.

Oreos

 Our package of Oreos wouldn’t quite fit in the gallon bag, so I cut an inch of the plastic shell off. Austin shrieked soundlessly as if being raped.

Me: Now it fits in the bag. Now the cookies will stay fresh.

Austin: I’ll remember this when you die. I’ll cut your feet off, so you’ll fit in your casket.

Me: I want to be incinerated and turned into ash.

Austin: I’ll cut your feet off before we stick you in the oven. Cremation is expensive. I’ll cut you into tiny bits, then we can do it at home in our own oven.

Pampas

 Me: X store is giving away free pampas grass. Who would want pampas grass?

Austin: What’s pompous grass?

Me: Pampas.

Shrimp

 I don’t like shrimp.

Austin: I’m going to take that shrimp and cover it in teriyaki. Teriyaki is just barbecue sauce. Then I’m going to wrap it up in something and feed it to you, hidden in something and wait to see if you noice.

Me: Oh, I’ll notice. And I’ll say to the officer, “ It was self-defense. He gave me shrimp.”

Plans

 Austin: Do you have any plans for today?

Me: Well, I’ve got to brush my teeth.

Austin: Do you need to go out for that or can Guppy help you?