I’ve been having migraines and blurry vision lately, but today hasn’t been too bad.
Austin: Maybe you’ve been staring at your husband too much. Staring at me is like staring into the sun.
Me: I was going to compare it to Hell.
Austin: Well, Satan was God’s brightest son.
Me: Have I told you enough that I love you today?
Austin: There’s not a quota and it’s still pretty early.
Austin: What do you think about these life insurance policies? Do you think it’s a good deal?
Me: I pay $200 a year for mine.
Austin, doing the math: That’s about what this costs. Do you think I should sign up for it?
Me: It’s up to you.
Austin: Is it going to increase the likelihood that you’re going to murder me if I get this?
Me: I need you for thirteen more years.
Me: This bar of soap looks like someone nibbled on it.
Austin: That was me. I thought it was chocolate.
Bunnies ravaged Austin’s garden while we were gone, so Austin got some netting to cover it.
Austin: I saw videos of bunnies climbing fences. Those bunnies are still going to come after my tomato plants. They’re going to develop smelting technology so they can build ladders and cut through the nets.
Austin: Wow, look at how busy Home Depot is.
Me: Father’s Day. It’s stereotypical, but it’s true.
Austin: Well, I suppose if I picked it out, I would like a power tool. But I’d also like flowers. You didn’t do anything for me for Father’s Day.
Me: If you want flowers, I’ll get you flowers.
Austin: No. I only want flowers when I don’t have to ask for them.
Austin: I’m having so much fun going out with Pete & Sonya frisbee golfing, then going to bakeries and coffee shops in the evening.
Me: It’s been fun for me too, exploring chocolate shops, finding parks and hanging around the hotel room.
Austin: I’m glad. Separate vacations is the first sign of a divorce.
Me: I need you for thirteen more years.
Austin, dramatically and highly affected: I love you. I am the luckiest man in the world. I’m so glad I have you and I married you eleven years ago. I can tell you anything and I know—
Me: I’ll put it on Facebook.
Austin: That is seriously the scariest butt plug I have eber seen.
Me: It’s a lemon reamer.
Me: The toilet doesn’t work. You have to jiggle the handle or the tank won’t fill up.
Austin: I’ll just pee in the tank, then it will fill up.
Me: We don’t need more Parmesan cheese. We have a whole container in the cupboard.
Austin: I know. I just pulled it down.
Me: Okay, just. We don’t need to stock up.
Austin: We have room in the cupboard.
Me: Look at all this stuff we have stocked up. We don’t go through Parmesan cheese that fast.
Austin: Yeah, we do.If I make Parmesan chicken, I go through a third of the container.
Me: I hope not.
Austin: Yes, I do. I like to dust it on my body and under my arms, invoke the Parmesan god when I’m cooking.
