Me: You don’t need this receipt for anything, right?
Austin: You can’t throw out that receipt. I love that receipt.
Me: I have a headache. I can’t put up with your sense of humor right now.
Austin, indicating himself: This can’t be turned off just because you have a headache.
While in the pool at the Y.
Austin: No matter how you threaten me, I don’t believe you’d actually drown me.
Me: I’m not that strong of a swimmer.
Austin: If you could only have one or the other, would you choose tea or chocolate?
Me, incredulous: Chocolate.
Austin: I thought you took your tea very seriously.
Me: I do, but not more seriously than chocolate.
Austin: What about if you had to choose between all vegetables and chocolate?
Me: I think chocolate is technically a vegetable.
Austin: What about your pets and chocolate?
Me: Now you’re just getting ridiculous.
Austin: It’s supposed to be ridiculous. If you could only choose one…
Me: I’d find a way to have both. I’d leave the house to have chocolate, so it wouldn’t impact our pets.
Austin: I’d call you on your cell and give you a play by play.
And more and more things…And I always choose chocolate.
Me: I notice you aren’t asking me to choose between you and chocolate.
Austin, who has lost his sense of taste and smell with COVID: I think I smell rice cooking.
Me: I don't know what you smell.
Austin, strolling into the kitchen and seeing I am in fact making rice: I am trying to test my sense of smell. Don't mess with me, woman.
Me: I was put on this earth specifically to mess with you.
Austin has a fancy wine bottle opener that he keeps in a cherrywood box. But he couldn’t get his wine bottle opened.
Austin: Do we have another bottle opener?
Me: I don’t know. We might still have that one that your mom made us get when we got married that one time.
Austin: When we got married that one time?
Me: Yeah, we got married once. We’re not doing that again.
Austin: I don’t know what to do about my Nespresso machine.
Me: Throw it out and replace it with something else.
Austin: I know. When Black Friday rolls around, I’ll get something.
Me: Black Friday is in November.
Austin: Yeah, but I can wait.
Me: But you’ll torture me until it’s replaced.
Austin: That’s right and I’ll give a heaving sigh every time I make coffee or take a sip.
Austin’s leftovers. Austin: Can you take care of this? I appreciate it. Be sure to feed it and nurture it. It’s really a lifetime commitment.
Austin: There are so many cucumbers outside that they want to secede from the United States and become their own nation.
