Me: Milk is on sale at Kroger, so I’ll have to stop & pick some up.
Austin: Can you go first thing in the morning. Like before I get up? I really want some yogurt for breakfast.
Me: I could pick up some fixadent for old times sake. Smear it between your teeth and shut you up.
Me: The trash needs taken out.
Austin: Trash? Trash? No hablo trash. What does this word mean?
Me: Give me a second to throw this tea in the microwave.
Austin: No, be gentle. Ceramic is breakable.
Me, roving the kitchen cupboards for food: I’ve got the munchies.
Austin, throwing his arms over his head: Don’t eat me!
Austin: How did I get so lucky?
Me: Well, it was a long haul and a lot of work, but astrology said we were a fantastic match and I believe in pseudoscience.
Me: I know you don’t want to hear about this, but I had the most colossal poop. And poop. And poop. And details. And size and shapes and more poop and let me tell you more about the poop. Lots and lots of poop.
Austin: I’m hacking your account and putting this on Facebook.
After sex, Austin was talking about how tired he was, lounging across the room. I was lying in bed.
Austin: I’m forty. I don’t have the energy.
Me, unable to force myself out of bed: I’m tired too. I’m fifty. I’m more tired than you.
Austin: Now you know what I’ve had to put up with for the past ten years.
Just for that, I got up and went over and punched him.
Me: I’ve been eating your almonds.
Austin: Please do. They’re really hard on my teeth.
Me: The teeth you paid $$$ for?
Austin: The last time I broke off a piece of tooth, it was from eating almonds. Now they scare me.
Me: Candy coated almonds?
Austin nods adamantly.
Me: I’m going to start hiding baggies of almonds around your room.
Austin: No!!!
