Fan

Me: I’m going to go back to bed once you leave. Well, I mean your bed. My room’s sweltering. I’m surprised I slept as well as I did with my room being so hot and no fan.
Austin: I’m not a fan of that either.

Bank of America Commercial

There was a Bank of America commercial on. It was about making it through this tough time. It talked a lot about cracks. “All cracks are to let in the light.”
Austin: I have a crack in my &*#%. I’m pretty sure it’s not for letting in the light.

Bank of America Commercial

Stouffer's Lasagna

Austin: The Stouffer’s box said 1/8 of the tray is a ‘thoughtful’ portion. &^# that &*(#. I’m eating as much of this (*&*# as I want. 

Crack

Me: I threw out the measuring cup. It had a huge crack in it.
Austin: I have a huge crack and you haven’t thrown me out.
Me: Wait.

Untangling

Austin: I untangled the wind chime strings.
Me: I did that a couple of weeks ago.
Austin: My way is more effective. I used scissors.

A Little Smoked Salmon

Me: I thought smoked salmon was on sale 2 for $5; I almost called you and asked if you wanted to stock up, but I’m glad I didn’t, because I must have read the sign wrong. It rang up $8.49.
Austin: I wouldn’t want to stock up anyway. I’ve never really worked with it before. I’m not really sure what you do with it. I mean, I’d cut it thin, but it’s smoked, so you wouldn’t cook it. I don’t think you cook it.
I shrug.
Austin: I don’t think it needs cooked. It’s smoked. And besides, I’ve eaten raw salmon several times and look how I turned out.
Me, smug look on my face.
Austin: A little fishy.

Love, Love, Love

Me: Your support has been so wonderful. It has allowed me to become a better person and I can never thank you enough. I love you more than life.
Austin: I love you too. Remember that the next time you try to murder me.
Me: It won’t slow me down.