Going Out

We were going to all go out together, but we weren't sure when we would be ready. So as we were walking out the door, I called Mom.

Me: We're ready. We're coming to get you.

Mom: That sounds ominous.

Dog Out

Austin: I let the dog out.
Me: I’m going to have to motivate myself to get up and get dressed soon. I need to take a walk and it’s supposed to rain and I want to do that before it's too late.
Austin: Well, if you do, look for the dog. I didn’t tie her up, I just let her out.

Sunshine

Austin: You are my sunshine.
Me: It is a dark place where you live.

Who's Dying

Me: Austin & I were discussing who was going to die first and he said he was and I said, "Oh no honey, I'm going first."
Mom: How'd you come to that conclusion?
Me: I'm not taking care of everything when he dies. I already deal with enough of his crap.
Mom: Well, if he dies first, you can always get him a deer costume and toss him by the side of the road.

Two-fitty

I discovered yesterday I’d lost five pounds. I promptly celebrated by going to lunch, eating lots of candy, then today having a heavy cheesy lunch and ice cream.
Austin: Yeah, I had ice cream too.
Me: I finished off the last of the hot fudge sauce.
Austin: That’s probably a good thing.
Me: You’re not my husband.
Austin: No, I’m not. I ate him.
Me: Oh, how much do I owe you for that?
Austin: Two-fitty. (A joke from South Park.)
Me: Okay. I gave you fifty cents from eBay sale, so that’s sitting on your desk. And I’ll go downstairs and get you the two bucks later.
Austin: Not two dollars and fifty cents. Two hundred and fifty dollars.
Me: Well, never mind then.

Big Face

Me: What are you doing?
Austin: Washing my face.
Me: Really? That’s all.
Austin: Why?
Me: You’ve been at it for a while.
Austin: I have a big face.
Me: You have a big &*^#.

Cupcakes for Work

Austin, grumping about buying cupcakes for work: [Long involved story about buying cupcakes.] Even worse, I told Siri to get me back to work, and apparently she thought I still work at JCP – so I got almost to Brice Road before I turned around – what should have taken my hour lunch took 90 minutes, so I will have to work through part of my lunch another day to make the time up…grumble… but I gave Siri a piece of my mind.

Me: Don't give her too much. You can't do without it.