Bifocals

Adjusting to my new glasses.
Me: The view is so weird. I’ve never had bifocals before.
Austin: My mom says it’s weird too. She says it’s still weird sometimes when she looks down.
Me: Oh great. I like looking down on people. I’ll never adjust.

Macadamia Nuts

Me: I didn’t realize macadamia nuts are so expensive. *Sigh, pause, groan* Well, macadamias are not a common nut.
Austin: Neither are you.

Ichabod Crane on Drugs

Austin: I was debating about shaving my beard. But when I look at pictures of myself from the last time I did that, I looked like Ichabod Crane on drugs.

What a Waste

Austin: The last time I made chicken salad, I thought it would be really good. But it was only okay.
Me: What did you do this last time that made it different?
Austin: I used pistachios in it.
Me: Oh. What a waste.
Austin: I thought you didn’t like chicken salad.
Me: I don’t. A perfect waste of pistachios. Come to that, perfect waste of chicken.
Austin, scowling: Well, I think that adding chicken to mayonnaise is a perfect waste. I love mayo. I like dipping my whole hand into it. In fact, I think people should take an ice cream spade to scoop it out.

Pistachios

Austin, eating pistachios: This one is empty (after cracking open the shell). This one is empty too.
Me: Wuss.
Austin: What?
Me: No nuts.

Ah-choo!

Austin sneezed.
Me: Bless you.
Austin: Agh! It burns, it burns!

Lemon Reamer

Austin, using a lemon reamer to juice a lemon: If stabbing a human is anything like stabbing a lemon, it’s very satisfying.
I smirked.
Austin: And it smells good too.

In case you don’t know what a reamer is.