Minus

 Yesterday, Austin & I were driving around Columbus. Siri kept telling us, “Exit Sr minus 62. Go north on Interstate minus 270.” 

Yes, it was really was saying minus.

Austin: Dash.

Smh.

Birthday

 Me: We need to go visit your parents this weekend too.

Austin: Oh yeah, that’s right. [Glumly, as if getting presents is a chore.] My mom is going to ask me what I want for my birthday.

Me: Tell her you got everything when you met me.

Austin: Tiramisu.

Me: Which I make for you every birthday. And a blowjob, which I give you every birthday.

Austin: I’m not going to put that on a list for my mom.

Ice Cream Emergency

 So, last night, Austin wanted ice cream. The night before I wanted ice cream. So when Austin mentioned ice cream, I ran to the dollar store and bought 2 packages of ice cream. By the looks of their cases, Austin & I were not the only ones who experienced an ice cream emergency.

Me, hugging Austin: Do you know how much I love you?

Austin: Enough to go get pizza for dinner.

Me, coming out of the embrace.

Austin: Is that a no?

Me: I dropped everything and ran out and got ice cream yesterday. Now you want me to run out and get pizza? By myself?

Austin: That was a test. You failed.

Fun With Bats

 For some reason, Austin & I were reminiscing about the time we had a bat in our house.

Me: I can’t believe your mom and X both were like, “You should have killed it.”

Austin: We used to get bats in the house all the time when I was little. My mom really believed killing them was the only way to keep them out.

Me: I’ve had three bats in this house in over 20 years. Bats do not go and tell their friends to come to our house.

Austin: Not with our cats. Those bats are thankful to get out alive. They warn their friends to stay away from our house. Poor traumatized bat.

Me: Y was proud of me for not killing it. We don’t kill things in our house. Bees, bats, spiders, they’re all useful creatures and help nature. We do not murder—

Austin: It’s not murder. They’re breaking into our house. It’s self-defense.

Widowers

I have had a ton of friend requests from handsome widowers who are Americans, but are in other countries. Seriously, I’m getting a request every few days.

Me: Clearly I’m not posting enough about the joys of being a married woman.

Practice Makes ...

 Austin & I were taking Cassie (our dog) out for a walk. It’s my job to clean up after her.

Me: Good Lord, look at the size of that poo. She just pooed this morning. That dog shouldn’t be able to have that much poo in her body.

Austin: Practice makes perfect.

Mormons

 Austin turned on Netflix and put this show on.

Me: I don’t think it’s related to the musical.