Dateline

 I’ve been watching Dateline reruns all day, husband after husband murdering his wife.

Me: I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about you suddenly murdering me and throwing my body in a river.

Austin: It won’t be sudden.

Avocado

 I don’t like avocado, but it’s heart-healthy, so I’m adding a little to my diet. Austin loves avocado.

Austin: I like it with a little salt. The flavor really pops.

Me: I add avocado to my toast with a little cinnamon and sugar.

Austin: Well, yeah, you can do that if you want to be gross.

Me: If I can get used to your face, I can get used to avocado.

Merry Christmas

 Me: There was a baking incident.

Austin, checking out the damage: What happened? 

Me: The pie crust protector got stuck to the pie pan and dragged across the pie. I’ll give that one to Zach and Charmaine.

Austin, laughing.

Me: It’s not like he’s my favorite nephew.

Austin: He’s your only nephew.

Me: Robbie. (long pause) And the other one.

Pumpkin

 Me: There’s one slice of pumpkin bread left in the kitchen. You can have it. It was really good. I’ll have to make more… eventually.

Austin: You could make more for Christmas, pull it out of the oven right before we leave so your family can enjoy nice, warm pumpkin bread.

Me: In addition to the pies?

Austin: Maybe we can change it up a bit and you can do bread instead of pie. I know you’re trying to get rid of pumpkin. But then, the bread may not use as much pumpkin as the pies.

Me: Pumpkin bread uses eight ounces of pumpkin. Pie uses one pound of pumpkin. 

Austin: That’s a big difference.

Me: They’re different animals.

Austin: I thought they were vegetarian.

I have to take a minute before I can react. I pat Austin on the back.

Austin: Thank you.

Me: For what? Not killing you?

Austin: I would have liked a nice fake laugh, but I’ll take what I can get.

Prue’s Necklace

 While watching great British Baking Show, of Prue’s necklace, Austin: It looks like a cross between a spider and a jellyfish. I want to smack it off her neck.

The Sister-In-Law

 I tossed some cookie cutters with swear words on them into the thrift store pile.

Austin: You didn't even open them.

Me: I make cookies for my family and children. I'm not baking cookies that say, "Fuck Off."

Austin: I dread what we'll get from her for Christmas this year.

Me, groaning: She means well.

Austin: She means something. Like a question mark means something.

Tightening Cream

Me, rubbing Austin's tummy: I love my husband.

Austin: You don't love my flab.

Me: It's healthy. When you had a six-pack, you were dieting at an unhealthy level.

Austin, grabbing one of his new creams: This one is for tightening. I'm going to rub it all over my tummy, my butt. And if that works, I'll try it on your mouth.