New Year's Day 2016

When I was telling Austin me & Mom's plans for New Year's eve.
Austin: Will there be wine and song?
Me: We don't drink. You know that. No wine.
Austin: When your mom is around, there's always whine.

So me, Mom & Austin were going to have a wild night of pizza and a movie (which ended at 6:30). I asked Austin if he was going to pick up the pizza with me & Mom. He had his green mask on.
Austin: I can't. Have to make myself look pretty.
Me: Don't bother. It won't help.
Austin faked an excellent sob fest.
Later, Austin was heading out to his friends for a real New Year's celebration. I hugged & kissed him on his way out.
Me: Have I told you how gorgeous and sexy you are today?
Austin: No. You told me I was ugly and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

Tasia

So my husband is as skinny as a rail. Except he's started to get a gut, like an good married man. We've named this bump, "Tasia." He is pregnant and will be giving birth sometime in the distant future.

Austin was whining again about Tasia and his extra weight, the actions he's taking to try to lose his gut.
Me: I'm partly to blame for Tasia. 

Austin, shocked & startled by my admission, shoving paper and pen into my hand: Can you write that down?
The note:
Dear Austin,
Tasia is partly my fault. I've made you happy, comfortable and secure. I've cooked food for you and encouraged you to eat what you want. So I accept blame for being a wonderful wife.
Rachel 

We're not trying to have kids. We don't want them. I tell this to Austin every month.
Me: I'm not pregnant. Tasia isn't getting a little brother.
Austin, grabbing a hunk of his own butt: I don't know. She might be. In fact I think they're twins.

 

Adventures with the PS4--The Purchase

OK, so this happened months ago. My husband loves gaming as much as any guy with no life.

IM'ing at work

Rachel 11:36 AM
I love you & want you to be happy.
Austin E 11:36 AM
ditto, though I'm not sure what I got that for...but I will probably be sulking about the ps4 for awhile. [his PS4 wasn't going to come until next week]
Rachel 11:36 AM
Well, suck it up.
Austin E 11:37 AM
that makes me sad:(. I don't think i believe your earlier statement anymore.
Rachel 11:37 AM
I don't believe a gaming console will make you happy.

It took a week, but Austin purchased his new PS4 and is in love. He was playing Bloodborne every free second of his life. He made his character look like me and gave her one of my nicknames.
Me, as Austin sits engrossed in the game: You do realize that you are not spending quality time with me. Just because you've made her look like me does not mean you are spending time with me.

No response.

Adventures with the PS4--Fallout Four

Austin came in with his new copy of Fallout Four. So I go to his room with him and watch him going over the liner notes.
Me: Is that the main character of the game (pointing to this Monopoly looking guy)?
Austin: It's the icon.
Me: It looks like the Monopoly guy.
Austin: Maybe it is.
Me: It doesn't look like the art of the games you normally play. (Pointing to some pictures on the box), Those look more like the games you normally play.
Austin: I just got the game. I don't know.
Me: You got a game you know nothing about?
Austin: It's Fallout Four. There's been Fallout Two, Three-Do you know how exasperating you are right now?
So I left. A few minutes later.
Austin: I need your help with my game.
Me: I highly doubt that.
Austin: There's a man and a woman character in this game and they eventually get married and have a baby. So it's even more important that they look like us so we can see what our kid will look like.
Incidentally, after an hour of fooling around with the avatars, we are shown a baby that looks nothing like us.

So, our baby on Fallout Four is named Shaun. Austin & I did not name our son. This was the name he came with.
Me: If we had a son, we could name him Shaun, in honor of (Austin's best friend) Shawn. But let's leave it Shaun, to *&%&# him off.
Austin: Man, that would do it. He hates that. He hates Sean even more. It's Seen.
Me: I don't want to name a kid Sean. But let's not make a mistake and have a baby in the first place.
Austin: Why not? We made the mistake and got married. 

Later . . .

Austin: If we had a kid, he'd have to sleep in your room.
Me: No, he'd sleep in your room.
Austin: You have the bigger room.
Me: It's like you've never been in my room, at the piles and piles--
Austin: I hate to suggest it, but you'd have to clean it. Lord knows I don't want any more cleaning than necessary going on in our house.
Me: Then that settles it. No little Shauns running around our house.

OK, so at first, when Austin talks about Fallout4, it sounds like English, shelters, resources, etc., but then it erodes into nonsense.

Austin: Look, I built this shelter and I hung all these lights. And I linked them all together, so now we can send resources from one settlement to another. And I have all these crops to harvest.
Me: You know, this sounds like a glorified version of Farmville.

 

Annibirthday 2016

Me: Guess what's next Tuesday?
Austin: Is that the tenth?
Me: No, the twelfth.
Austin: Oh, then I don't know.
Me: It's our three year anniversary.
Austin: I know, I was just kidding.
Me: Yeah, imagine me not believing you.

So, the big day is upon us and Austin was asking me what I want. I mentioned a few things, Amazon gift cards, chocolate . . .
Me: Lip balm.
Austin: Lip balm is boring.
Me: You could connect them from end to end, make them into a necklace for me.
Austin: I'm not doing that.
Me: Jewelry.
Austin: You want jewelry?
Me (blank look on my face): Well, not really. I mean, other people want jewelry. You want to get me something meaningful, so most people think jewelry is meaningful.
Austin: Shut up. Why do I even ask you.
Me: What were you thinking of getting me.
Austin: Well, I was browsing rings for us.
Me: Why?
Austin: ^&*#% You know, it was before you gave me that great lip balm suggestion.

Austin got me three gifts of three for our three year anniversary, three packages of Earl Grey, three packages of lip balm and a plastic necklace that cost three quarters.
Me: You did that on purpose, right?
Austin: Yeah, sure. 

Austin needs socks, so I got him a pair of Fallout Four socks.

One of the lip balms Austin got for me is Vanilla Mint.
Austin: It also came in coconut cream, but I wasn't sure you'd like it. I thought you'd either love it or hate it, so I got you this one instead.
Mhmmm.
So I tried the Vanilla Mint.
Austin: You like it?
Me: Yeah.
Austin: You know the real reason I didn't get the coconut?
Me: Because you don't like coconut and you don't want me kissing you with it.
Austin: That's it exactly.
Me: You're transparent that way.

Annibirthday 2015

OK, so, our annibirthday 2015, January, on a Monday. 

Austin asked me what I wanted. My car & house are both paid off (yea me!) and Austin was unwilling to kidnap Emun Elliott, so I was stumped. Then I remembered that the mandolin slicer had just died.

The following day, I went on the Internet and picked out the Oxo Good Grips mandolin slicer. I researched the details, compared prices. It was exactly what I wanted. So I contacted Austin with an update. 

Austin: I already bought you one. 

Me: Without consulting me?

Austin: Trust me, you'll like this one. 

Me, blubbering about the one I actually want and where he can buy it and the price, etc., et al.
Austin: You'll like this one.

Doing absolutely nothing to assure me that I will actually like the one he picked.

So last night, instead of waiting 'til Monday for the actual annibirthday, I gave Austin flowers (it's what he wanted) and he gave me my gift. The Oxo Good Grips mandolin slicer. The *&%%&# got lucky and bought the exact one I wanted without me telling him. Now that little smug ^&#% is proud of himself. I don't know how I'm going to live with him for the rest of my life.

Ultimate Outdoorsman Action Pack

Somebody added my husband to this mailing list:

And if you don't think this is hilarious, this is a childhood photo of the man:

London/Paris

So this past fall, my husband, mother & I went to London and Paris. It was a belated honeymoon for Austin & I. And my mom came along . . . because she paid.

Mom laid out $13,500 for a honeymoon for Austin & I. Mom was telling the agent that I bought my house 18 years ago.
Me: 16 years.
Mom growls at me: I worked at X 13 yrs and I've been retired for 3.
Me: That's 16.
Mom: Oh.


In Scotland & Ireland, they don't do doggie bags. I expect similar shock to the request when we visit London & Paris. Austin, however, cannot live without doggie bags.
Me: I'm telling you, don't ask for a doggie bag.
Austin: I'll do what I want, woman.
It's like Austin doesn't understand that Emun Elliott lives in London & that I will so leave him and hunt down the man of my dreams . . .

Moi: Es-tu pret?
Austin: Je m'appelle Austin.
Moi: Je demande et-tu pret?
Austin: Fromage.

Austin: We've still got plenty of time.
Me: I know, I've just got all this anxiety. I feel like I need to stay home and pack for our trip.
Austin: It'll be fine. Soon we'll be on the plane and on our way and then you'll realize you forgot something.

Me: There's a Vosges in JFK, so I'm going to try and find that.
Austin: We're going to London and Paris. Don't fill up your bag space with U.S. chocolate.
Me: We're not going through JFK on the way back.
Austin: You can get Vosges any time. Even Kroger has it now.
Later with Mom
Me: They have a Vosges at JFK.
Mom: We'll have to stop past.
Austin: I already told her that she shouldn't load up on Vosges.
Mom: We're not going through JFK on the way back.
Men do not understand the importance of chocolate. 
Incidentally, Vosges no longer has a location at JFK. :(
  

All Austin wants to know about our vacation is if there's a swimming pool. Poor guy, going to London & Paris, but we don't have pools at either of the hotels.

Austin: It's too soon to worry about money belts. Now me, I'm gonna put my money in a balloon and shove it up my &%$. 

We spent our first night in London watching Big Bang Theory reruns . . . 

While walking in Olympia (a suburb outside of London), we saw a sign about a fertility show that was going to be held in November. Mom was disappointed, because we wouldn't be able to go.
Austin: Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean we're infertile. I'm fertile. I'm so fertile, I'm fertile all over the place.
Me: Just because fertilizer comes out of your mouth does not make you fertile. 

My husband being a doof at the Louvre, pretending to hold up the inverted pyramid.

 

Austin, after our trip: I saw London, I saw France, I saw someone's underpants.
Me: That's because you kept looking at those fetish shops.

The Force Awakens

So, Austin is a Star Wars junkie. He got R2D2 measuring cups for Christmas. We have Star Wars cookie cutters. Me, not so much.

So Austin told me when this first came out: We have to see this.
I shrugged.
Austin: You don't want to see this? We have to see this in the theater. It's gonna be awesome.

I don't say anything. I figure he'll go with friends or it will come out on DVD or something. Anyhow, I will get out of seeing this movie. Later, one of my friends tells me Emun Elliott has a cameo.

Me: Emun Elliott is in the new Star Wars movie. We have to go see it at your earliest convenience.
Austin: I don't want to see it anymore. 

Picture my eyes as lasers.

Austin: I looked up Emun Elliott's part on the internet. He dies.
Me: You $%&$#.

Austin: Do you know how long this movie is?
Me: Two and a half, two hours forty-five. I'm concerned about my bladder. It's on a schedule.
Austin: I'm sure the theater has facilities.
Me: I'm not going to the bathroom in the middle of the movie. I don't know when Emun Elliott's appearance is gonna be and it's supposed to be minor, I don't want to risk missing--
At this point, I noticed Austin had his head in his hands.

Introducing Austin & I

I Hate Romance

I can’t stand it. Romance is like a box of Legos. If you put in a lot of time, effort and care, you could have an astounding piece of artwork. If you drop a block on the floor and step on the little MF, it *&#$ hurts! You have to put all the pieces in the right place or your project looks like a weirdo. Or if you lose one, you can never replace it (unless you go to the mega Lego store in Chicago. 

Take the Lego sculpture of my husband and I for example. We could make a fantastic romance. The first time I saw my husband, it was kismet. He had just been hired on in the customer service department. He was across the aisle being trained. I was walking back to my seat when I spotted him. Tall, thin, long, blond hair. I was so stunned I did a double take. Then I walked into the cubicle, tripped and fell smack-dab onto the carpet. Lego on the floor alert! Rachel, you can’t run into things and then take a nosedive into the rug. But that’s the way it happened. Doesn’t matter. Heroines are not clumsy. What you’re describing is slapstick. Not romance. Okay, fine. End the scene at double take.

It took me some time to work up the courage to ask him out. For one, I thought he was gay. Hold it! Absolutely not. Your sculpture is going to look like a gangling gak of Whopper Farm. Heroes have to be buff, trim and masculine in romances where the couples are heterosexual. You haven’t met my husband. It’s an easy mistake to make. Doesn’t matter. We’re not getting on Ebay to find the one Lego piece that will make your abstract art concoction work. Fine, the reason it took me so long to hit on him was because he was so much younger than me. Women can’t be older than men in romance. Unless you’ve got a cougar imprint. I want to pretend we do. Okay then, continue.

I’m ten years older than my husband. Being mature for my age, I was concerned by a suave, sensitive young man who was blooming—Flaming pink Legos in a romance? Not when we’re describing a male protagonist. Am I writing this or are you? Technically, I am you. You might want to talk to a psychiatrist about dissociative identity disorder. Wait, make that multiple personality disorder. Most people are not aware that the clinical terminology has changed. Shut up.

Okay, so let’s take it from the top:

I saw my husband from across the room. He was tall, blond, stunning. His hair was long, shimmering and soft. My heart thundered. I did a double take. My body tingled. I had to work up the courage to approach him. Until that moment, I didn’t believe in love at first sight. My husband was receptive, gentle, open. We spent nights discussing our histories, families, hobbies. Months went by basking in the glow of true love. Then my husband mentioned the time he played violin for Woman in Black at X Playhouse.

“That was you?”

“Yeah.”

“You were a kid.”

“I was sixteen.”

“Yeah, a kid,” I said. 

I had been in the audience. As the memory de-fogged, I confirmed that the handsome man across from me had been the scrawny teenager from six years earlier. A two year old has just crashed into the middle of the room and Lego shrapnel is everywhere. That’s the way it happened. A twenty-six year old woman and a sixteen year old boy is CREEPY! I didn’t have the hots for him back then. I just remember the night. Isn’t it romantic that my husband and I had a chance meeting years before we fell in love? Please stop. My head hurts. 

 

Honestly, I could build an awesome Lego Air Force One jet plane, complete with little yellow Lego security guys, but I’d much rather have a gangling gak from Whopper Farm. Yep, I hate romance.

My husband with a Lego Woody.