Tiramisu

I made two tiramisus for Easter, one for work and one for Auntie's brunch. Austin is a wonderful person, but not always terribly helpful, so he was helping me make ladyfingers.

Austin, in a tiny voice: When you make the tiramisu, will there be enough left over so that you and I can have one?

Me: Yes, Austin.

Nice to know his motives.

After Easter, eating tiramisu.

Me: How does this one compare to the one I made for Auntie and work? Is it OK?

Austin: It's the best. Because it's mine.

July

So Austin has a wedding to go to this July and wants me to go with him.
Austin: I requested July 30, 31 and the 32.

Hearing Aid

I keep getting ads for this hearing aid facility and I keep throwing them out, but this last batch, I paused.
Me: Have you noticed that I haven't been hearing as well? Do you think I should get my hearing checked? Do you think I can't hear?
Austin: I just thought it was selective.

The Best Part of Waking Up . . .

Me: Is there anything I can do to show you I love you today?
Austin: You've already done it. You woke up.
Me: That's more than I want to give on any day.

Dreams

So, I came home last night. My last long night (I'm going back to part-time for a while), and boy was it hell . . . and when I got home, Austin had made dinner, washed dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I put down my purse, went over to him, swooned into his arms.

Me: Are you going to make all my dreams come true?

Austin: No. You told me about your dream with the werewolves. That's just crazy.

And so you know about the dream, I was Liv Moore from iZombie and I was investigating this mansion that was this frat house for werewolves. Gorgeous house. Too nice for a frat. I snuck in and was looking around. Then I heard one of the frat brothers come in, so I ducked into this closet, which was actually a room and it had a Christmas tree in the corner and cream-colored carpet. Cricket (our deceased dog) was there by a box for a 19" plasma TV. I saw her, scooped her up and just as I was about to climb out of the window, saw Cassie (our very alive and lively dog) hanging out under the Christmas tree. I said to myself I'd come back for Cassie and climbed out the window. Through the window, I could see Mouse (our cat) was also there. My eyes popped. "Now I'll really have to come back."

Plans for My Mom

So Mom was trying to engage me in conversation about her headstone and I want no part of it. She's not terminally ill. She doesn't even have a cold. She's morbid.

Since I wouldn't talk to her about it, Mom: Do you think Austin would like to see the stone I picked out?

Me: Yes, Mom. He can't wait until you're underground.

So later, I'm railing at Austin about Mom and all this morose chatter.

Me: Mom wanted to know if she should put the picture of her in a dress on her tombstone or the one of her at Tae Kwon Do. "Which one is the real me?" So I said, "Get a picture of you in a sweatshirt and jeans."

Then Austin goes on a bit about how spooky photographs in cemeteries are and how big sculptures of angels are much cooler.

Me:Then Mom tells me there's not going to be a funeral and no showing hours. I told her we're going to do what we want. She's going to be dead.

Austin: That's right. We'll tie her joints with strings and have a puppet show.

Later, Austin: Don't tell your Mom that thing about turning her into a marionette. I don't think she'll get it.

Me: Then you better hope she doesn't read Facebook.

Kroger Allergy Meds

Take a close look at this picture. These are off-brand allergy meds. They are identical. They're even both the Kroger off-brand. The only difference is the packaging. Austin insists that those in the bottle work better than those individually wrapped. I've decided to unwrap all the pills in the individual package and hide them in the bottle. And see how long it takes before Austin complains that the ones in the bottle aren't working as well as they used to.

Love Milk

Austin was having a neurotic day. In the morning, he texted me once and called me four times because he forgot something. Then after I was at work, he asked if I was going to the grocery store after work.
Me: I always go on Wednesdays.
Austin: We need half and half and milk.
Me: We do not need half and half and I bought milk on Saturday. Made a special trip because you insisted you couldn't wait.
Austin: I drank all of it. We need more. And I'm running low on half and half.
Me: I got you four containers of half and half last week. There are still two in the fridge. And I put a quart of milk in the freezer.
Austin: Oh.
Proof that I love him. There are now three quarts in the freezer and approximately 3/4 a gallon in our fridge. 

 

Happy Birthday to My Mom

So, Mom's 73rd birthday. Congratulations, Mom, for hanging in there.

We celebrated on Sunday. At 10:00, I pulled out two potential birthday cards and asked Austin which one he preferred. After he picked one, he then signed it.
At 11:00, Mom was coming to pick us up to go out for lunch.

Austin: I don't want to go to Golden Corral. I forgot to say that when you guys were on the phone.
Me: I don't know where she wants to go.
Well, it turned out Mom did want to go to the Golden Corral. So I told Austin.
Me: Mom really wants you to go out with us for her birthday. So she's decided we can go to X or Y instead.
Austin: Oh, I forgot it was your mom's birthday.
Me: You signed the card an hour ago.

Wii Bowling

So Austin & I are playing Wii bowling (and giving me crap every time I pick up my tablet). Austin swings his arm back and knocks it into something.
Austin: Cassie! Move!!!!
My eyes meet Cassie's from across the room.
Austin: Oh, it was the chair.

Snowmen

Me: Do you think they need anything else?
Austin: They don't have any bodies.
Me: They're on skewers. They're not supposed to have bodies.
Austin: How are they supposed to dance and be merry?
I bob one of the skewers a bit.
Austin: So they're just going to be handicapped, body-less snowmen dependent on the kindness of others.

Spousal Abuse

Me: Shawn called us hot.
Austin: Really? Sweet.
Me: Mostly, he meant me.
Austin tried to paddle me. Twice. I didn't move. He missed. Twice. He then smacked me on the bottom after a third try. So I made fun of him for it.
Austin, a la the Honeymooners: One of these days, bang, zoom, to the moon.
Me: Not with that aim.

In Kroger

Austin and I walked past a cooler loaded with Italian sausage and brats.
Austin: That reminds me, I want to buy some Italian sausage so I can cut the casings off and fry it up.
Me: Why?
Austin: That one chef you like did it on TV.
We watch Chopped, Good Eats, Iron Chef America, Cutthroat Kitchen . . . The Food Network should have paid us shares because our television was set so exclusively to that channel when we still had cable.
Austin: You know the guy.
Me, still blank.
Austin: The guy!
Me, shot in the dark: Buddy Valastro?
Austin: That's the one.

Lighters

Austin needed a pack of lighters. I was shocked when Kroger carded me over this purchase.
Austin: Of course you have to be of age to buy lighters. You don't want little kids buying lighters and burning things down.
Me: Obviously. It just seems strange that you can't buy one until you're eighteen.
Austin starts listing examples of kids being stupid and I state that 18 year olds are no more mature than 16 year olds. Then we launch into age limits on renting cars and getting hotel rooms.
Me: I suppose the thing that is most startling about this whole thing is that I haven't tried to buy lighters prior to being 40.

Crude Disappointment

Austin: I'm sorry I'm such a crude disappointment.
Me: You're not crude, you're just a disappointment.
Austin: Now I'm not so sorry.

Fortune Cookie

Austin's fortune cookie: People are saying good things about you
Me: They're lying.
Later, me: Have I told you today that I love you?
Austin: Yes. You were lying.

The Lindt Truffle

Austin offered me a Lindt truffle. As he was about to hand it to me, he jerked his hand back. So I punched him.
Austin: I deserved that.
Me: I deserve better.

Austin's Teeth

Some zingers over Austin's Teeth

Austin didn't feel well, so when we were going out, he didn't put in his teeth.
Me: As long as you don't smile, you won't scare any children. 

Austin made ma yi shang shu last night.
Me: I could never tell you enough how much I love you.
Austin was trying to suck up a noodle and was failing miserably, so I teased him about it.

Austin: You try sucking up a noodle with false teeth.
Me: I'm not going to get false teeth just so I can try sucking up noodles.
Austin: I can help you with that.
Me: I've told you enough that I love you.

Austin kissed me without his teeth in and I pointed out that was the first time he'd done that. He said, no, he'd done it before. So then Austin and I went round and round and he reminded me of the other time.
Me: Oh wait. You're right. I remember that.
Austin: Well, it had to happen sometime.
Me: No, it didn't. You could have died without doing it. You're stubborn like that.
Austin: No. I meant I had to be right sometime.
Me: No, that didn't have to happen either.

Austin was saying how he hates shorts that you have to wear a belt with and how much he likes these shorts with an elastic waistband. Later, he was talking about the place that sells golf carts right across the street from where he was having his oil changed. We could have a golf cart for only $189!
Me: You are so not cool, shorts with elastic waistbands, driving around the village in a golf cart and you're teeth aren't in. You're getting old.
Austin: I'm totally cool. I'm a hipster. That's what cool, old people are.
Me: Hipsters are panties.

I thought Austin still had his teeth in.
Austin: No, I took them out, see?
He smiles.
Austin: Makes it easier to lie through my teeth.
Me: That's because there's nothing in the way.

 

You're Wonderful

Austin: You're wonderful.
Me: I know.
Austin: You're not as wonderful as you think you are.

Explaining the Bruises

So, big shock, Austin was pushing my buttons.
Me: Careful, Bubby. I'll beat you up. Then how will you explain those bruises tomorrow?
Austin: With our friends, I won't have to explain a thing. I can call your mom as a character witness.

Liar, Liar

Austin told me a doozy, I wish I remembered what.

Me: You are a liar. Liar, liar, pants on fire. I'm going to send you to work naked tomorrow so people can see the burns on your butt.

The Lunch Debate

Me, Mom & Austin went to lunch together and we debated about who would pay. I decided that I would pay.
Austin: But really, I'll be the one paying in the end.

My Husband Loves Me Tee

Me: Wonder who created that?
Austin: Not you.

Meatloaf

Austin, yammering about his old friends from high school.
Austin: And I loved Paula, his mom. She made the best meatloaf back then.
Me: You better think I make the best meatloaf now.
Austin: I think everything you do is the best.
Mom: He's well-trained.

Sex

So, you don't have to be together very long for sex to get boring. Austin's a wonderful lover, no complaints there, but the spice . . . sometimes that needs help.

Austin was asking me about fantasies and things I'd like to try to liven up our sex life.

Me: Well, it might be fun to be raped. I mean play-raped, not real rape. Make sure you tell me that we're going to do that one. I don't want you to sneak up on me and scare me.
Austin: I would never do that. You keep a golf club by your bed.

Hips Don't Lie

Me: Have I told you today that I love you and you mean everything to me?

Austin: No. You told me I was gorgeous.

Me: Well, I love you and you mean tons to me.

Austin gives me a smug look.

Me: Beyond your hips, Bub.

Panic

So, Austin and I have had a long-running argument about him not telling me if he's going to be late or where he's going. I don't care really, I just want to know in case the cops show up.

So I come in from second shift, the house is dark, his car is not in the driveway. I go to the kitchen to look for a note, because Austin has improved and now tells me he's going over to friends, parents, whatever 98% of the time. No note.

I pick up my cell. No text.

I send him a text:

OMG, where is my husband? He must have been kidnapped. But I can't call police because he's an adult. He must be gone 24 hours before a report can be filed. I willl sob by the phone and hope the kidnappers make reasonable demands.

Austin text: I'm at Craig's. I'll be home soon.

Happily Married

While Mom was visiting, Austin was getting ready to leave for work. We kissed as he was going out the door.
Mom: Oooo, yuck. Stop.
Me: You know, some people are happily married.
Mom: I had a happy marriage once it was over.
Austin: You mean I might be happy one day?

Austin's B-Day is Coming Up

Me: Your birthday is coming up. You'll be 41. No wait, thirty-one.
You should have seen the look on Austin's face.
Me: Thirty-two. Don't give me that look.
Austin: I'm not helping you.
Me: You'll be thirty-two. My's brain's not working right now. Don't say it.
Austin: OK, I'll just think it really loud.

Getting Old

Austin was complaining about his crows feet and laugh lines. Silly me, I was telling him how good he looks and how young he is.
Me: Look at me, at these lines around my mouth. Do you have any idea how deep these are?
Austin An eighth an inch. I measured.