The Truth Hurts

So everyone thinks Austin is such a sweet loving person. They don't live with him. 

I have mentioned before that our weight has been an issue lately and we've both been battling it. Well, I lost 10 pounds recently and I was very excited.

Austin: I'm very proud of you but you look the same.

I was ready to kill my husband and shocked he'd say something like that.
Austin: The truth hurts.
I pull my fist back.
Austin: For me.

Dresses

Me: Both dresses I got were a bit tight in the bust.
Austin: That sucks. Both sizes?
Me: I only got one size.
Austin: But you got two dresses.
Me: Yes. From dresslily, I told you.
Austin: Oh yeah, two different dresses. I thought you were talking about the dress for the wedding.
Me: For the wedding tomorrow? Seriously? I already took the one back. I hemmed the one that fit and everything. I told you that.
Austin: I don't listen to you.
So I get huffy and Austin comes over and hugs me.
Austin: Have I told you that I love you today?
Me: No. You told me you don't listen to me.
Austin: Oh God, it's not like you listen to me.
Me: Yes I do. I listen very closely so I can quote you accurately for our friends' and family's amusement.

Yardwork Time

It's that time of the year again: yard work time! Spent an hour in the yard yesterday. Very happy with the progress I made, but very disappointed that you can't tell.
Austin: Yeah, I can tell. I saw you working on that stump over there, and then I saw you working in that corner there. And you might have done some work there.
Me: In other words, you watched where I was working and that's how you can tell what was done.
Austin: Just take the compliment, woman.
Me: I'll take that compliment and shove it down your throat.

Mini Sandwich

Mom got Austin & I a mini loaf of bread, so I made a mini sandwich. Austin came into the kitchen, said he was going to make a sandwich.
Me: Is yours going to be as cute as mine?
Austin: Cuter. I'm going to make two. 

Love and Lies in Marriage

Austin gave me this wonderful, strong hug.
Me: Be careful. People might think we're deeply in love and have a wonderful relationship.
Austin: Just keepin' the lie alive.

Dinner

Austin, after a long day at work, came home. I offered him some dinner.

Austin: Thank you for making dinner for me.

Me: I didn't make dinner for you. I made dinner for me. There's some left, so you can have it.

Dismembered

An incident at work, I was asking about the planning committee and its activities. I hadn't heard anything for a while. 

Austin: The planning committee was completely dismembered in January.
I honestly tried not to correct him, but I did finally interject and say: Disband.

Tiramisu

So Friday, Kroger had ladyfingers marked down. I asked Austin if he'd like me to make some tiramisu, which of course, the answer was yes. Tiramisu is his all-time favorite dessert. 

After we got home, around 5:00, I asked Austin if he'd prefer me to make tiramisu today (Friday) or Sunday, as we'd had a big lunch that afternoon.

Austin: Well, if you make tiramisu today, would we have plenty left for Sunday too?
Me: Yes.
Austin: Well, then if you make it today, we can have tiramisu today and Sunday.

So I go to the kitchen to prepare and discover we don't have heavy whipping cream. I thus inform Austin that we'd have to wait on tiramisu until I could stop at the store.
 

Later that night, Austin: We could run to the store now and get heavy whipping cream.
Me: You want to run all the way into Newark just to get heavy whipping cream?
Austin: We could run to the local place.
Me: Their prices are ridiculous.
Austin: Yeah, but we could have tiramisu tonight.
Me: You do know tiramisu takes five hours to set up. It wouldn't be ready before bed.
 

Boy, I'm such a meanie!

Windows 10

So, I downloaded Windows 10, because my computer told me to. And my computer also said, "All of your files will be right where you left them."
What a liar my computer is. Took me half an hour to find my files and to figure out how to bring up "My Computer" and "Control Panel."

Gorgeous

Me: Will it kill you if I tell you one more time how gorgeous you are today?
Austin: It might.
Me, crestfallen: Then I won't say it.
Austin: Really? 'Cause I don't want you to accidentally say it and then have to live with the guilt.
Me: I can take it.
Austin: That means you're going to say it.
Me: Yep.

Later, as I'm sending a text to someone, Austin: I see the resemblance between you and Zach [my Android phone addicted nephew].
Me: You're gorgeous.
 

Austin in death throes.

Tasia

So Austin & I have had a running gag for sometime over his increasing waistline, that he's pregnant. We've named his baby bump Tasia. Well, I think he's finally over the gag. I made mention of the bun in his oven.

Austin: I don't have a bun in the oven. If I did, it's burned. This thing isn't going away. [indicating his tummy]

DIY

So in the past, I've fixed my washing machine myself, replaced my toilet, replaced various pipes. I can do pretty much anything around this house.

Add to my list of DIY accomplishments: changing a light switch. Very easy. Except for the part where my loving husband turned the breaker back on and didn't tell me. Yeah, he was listening very closely when we were watching the First 48 Hours reruns.

Austin & I fighting

Austin & I fight over dumb stuff. And our fights are never anything to take seriously. So Austin was spitting some nonsense at me.

Me: You're the fool who moved in with me.
Austin: No, I was stupid enough to marry you. Let's not leave that out.

The First 48 Hours

Austin & I were watching First 48 Hours reruns on Netflix. The perpetrator got two years for killing somebody.
 

Austin: See, I could kill you. I'd get less time than so-and-so who's in jail for drugs for three years.
 

Reassuring.

Divorce

Austin & I discussing a friend who is divorced.
Me: Women initiate divorce two-thirds of the time. I've heard it as high as 70 percent.
Austin: That's because men kill their wives.

Church Bake Sale

The local church had a bake sale, so I got some cookies and hard tack candy.
Austin: I don't like hard candy.
Stunned silence for a minute.
Me: I question how I could have married you.
Austin: Not as often as I do.

Bug Bites

Indicating a bug bite on the small of my back,
Me: This bug bite still hasn't gone down. It doesn't itch or anything. It's just a big lump in the middle of my back.
Austin: That's your butt.

Pillow

I don't say good morning. As far as I'm concerned, if you're awake in the morning, that automatically disproves the Good part. I am not alone is this, as Grumpy Cat has an anti-good morning meme and even the Hobbit has a passage where Gandalf explains why "Good Morning" is ridiculous.

So, work is having a fund raiser for OpFeed and the warehouse is auctioning off stuff. The guys were saying that Austin needed to get me this pillow that says, "Gorgeous."
Me: I call Austin, 'Gorgeous' all the time.
So they tell me to get it for Austin.
I go down to look at it. It says, "Good Morning, Gorgeous." 

 

 

SACRILEGE!!!!!!!

Fortune Cookie Fun

My fortune cookie: You will soon be swept away by a new and exciting romance.

Me: We must divorce, as I am adamantly against extramarital affairs. 

Austin doesn't seem concerned.


Another fortune cookie:

My fortune cookie: The star of riches is shining upon you.
Austin's fortune cookie: There are riches headed your way.
Austin: Looks like I'm gonna come right behind you and take some of your riches.

Tupperware

Austin & I cleaned out a couple of kitchen cupboards, pretty much got rid of all my 20 year old Tupperware set.

When we were done, Austin, hugging me: I know how hard that was for you.
Me: If you did, you wouldn't be hugging me.

Marijuana

Marijuana issue went down a bit ago, but this one is funny, so I'm posting it now.

Austin & I were discussing the issue & I was explaining why I wasn’t concerned about the monopoly part of the law that was being proposed and some of the other problems with the issue.

Me: With a license, if you’re over 21, you can grow your own marijuana.

Austin: So we could grow marijuana?

Me: Theoretically, yes. (All of you who know how anti-drug I am would have appreciated the look on my face.)

Austin: The herbs in our yard really took off. We could grow our own marijuana.

Me: We live right across the street from a high school. We cannot grow marijuana outside of this house.

Austin: You’re right. We’d never keep the kids off our lawn.

My deceased father-in-law

You never met my deceased father-in-law, so you have no idea how funny this is. In brief, my father-in-law was racist, bigoted, abusive to his family, smoked, drank, made bombs for fun (he was on the FBI watch list) and swore at strangers. Among other things.

 We received a catalog in the mail, "Things You Never Knew Existed", addressed to Reverend Gene Frazee.

Austin the Musician

Austin was playing with my boob.

Austin: It's like a horn. 

Me: More like a bagpipe.

Singing

Austin was singing “Foil.” This is Weird Al Yankovic's satire of Royals by Lorde.

He got to the part: With aluminum foil. 

Then he stops, looks at me with devastation. 

Austin: You didn’t come in.  

So then I sing: Foil . . .

Surprise!

When I got home from work today, Austin had given both dogs flea baths, cleaned the living room, fed the cats AND made dinner.

I think I'll keep him.

More Spiders

My mother gave Austin a tip for keeping spiders out of the bathtub. Spiders crawl in to drink water, then can't get out. Put a towel over the side of the tub, then the spider will be able to climb out.
Austin: I have a better solution. Call my wife to get it out.

A Moment

Last night, I hugged my husband, was having a moment.
Me: I love you so much.
Austin: I love you too.
He gives me an extra-tight squeeze.
Austin: Sometimes.
Proof I love him, he's still alive and he doesn't have any bruises.

In the Shower

Austin and I routinely shower together. It saves water and it builds intimacy in the relationship.

Austin, screaming: There's a spider.

He's at the front of the shower, I'm at the back. I wear glasses, so I'm half-blind, but in the slippery wet shower, my husband is pushing me to the front and jumping out of the tub.

Austin: Kill it! Get rid of it!

I'm groping around blind, turning off the water, wet, naked. I don't murder innocent creatures. Especially not good, useful creatures like spiders. I find a bit of cardboard and use our mouthwash glass to capture the spider and set it free. I told Austin I put it outside, but I put it in the basement. Shhhhhh, don't tell him. I mean, wet and naked. Even I wouldn't expose our neighbors to that.

I return to the bathroom.

Austin: Is it safe?

Me: Yes, we can shower once again. Let freedom ring.

Rolls

Mom, me and Austin went out for lunch today. The waitress brought me and Mom dinner rolls and Mom offered it to Austin.
Austin, taking his waist: I've got all the rolls I need right here, thanks.

Museum

The Cleveland Musum of Art has a pharaoh exhibit right now.

 Me: Do you want to go with me & Mom to the Cleveland museum?
Austin: Yeah, sure. Sounds fun.
Me: Well, I didn't know if you'd want to, since you were making fun of Egypt the other day.
Austin: I make fun of you and your mom too.

Austin's Love for his TV

I came into Austin's room, trying to get him to spend some time with me, but he is truly in love with the new TV.
Me, sighing: I suppose I shouldn't be too jealous. I just finished watching Colin O'Donohue and enjoying that gorgeous man.
Austin, very cocky: That's right.
Me: You're in love with Angela Lansbury.
Austin, slipping his hand over my waist: But take comfort. I fell in love with you for your mind. I fell in love with Angela Lansbury--
Austin & I: For her body.