Picking Up Mom

I was on the phone making arrangements with Mom to go to Melita for the biannual charity dinner.
Me: We'll pick you up in about five minutes.
Austin: I cleaned out the trunk, so there'll be room for her back there.

Christmas List

I showed Austin this meme and told him my list was pretty similar.
Austin: Not happening. I'll get you two of those things, but not the third.
Me: Ahhh, no kitten for me.

BTW, Austin wants me to get him something for Christmas again this year.

The Dog

Cassie kept pushing her head into my lap and sitting on my feet, which usually means she wants something, but I told her no. Still, she wouldn't stop.
Me: Wow, she's a demanding b&$@/
Austin: She learned from the best.

Crappy Pen

Austin was adding a few items to the grocery list.
Austin: This is a crappy pen.
Me: That pen's just fine.
Austin: I've got ink all over my hands, This is a defective tool.
Me, pushing a finger into his pec: This is a defective tool.

Sick

Pauvre Austin, il tombe malade, For the better part of the day, he's been in bed with horrible stomach cramps. He finally got up and was hungry. I suggested several things.
Me: We have tomato soup.
Austin: I don't want anything that vaguely reminds me of your spaghetti sauce.
Me: Yeah, spaghetti sauce would be too complex for your stomach to digest.
Austin: Nothing like that. Your spaghetti sauce is awesome, but it only tastes great going one way.

Full of Surprises

So, getting ready to go to bed. Gave Austin a big hug.
Me: There's nothing I love more than being in your arms.
Austin: I don't know. You like watching me do dishes a lot.
Me: And I thought you were going to make a jibe about Emun Elliott.
Austin: I'm full of surprises that way. I might really surprise you and take the trash out again.

Memory

I have been racking my brains, going crazy, trying to remember the funny thing Austin said last night before I went to bed.
Me: Austin, do you remember that funny thing you said last night?
Austin: I didn't say anything funny last night.
Me: Just for that, I should post your comments about your fuzzy dick.
Lucky you, Austin and I have agreed, no lewd, sexual or rude posts. But the moral of the story: When you're over 40, don't think you'll remember it the next day. Write it down.

Mother F&(@^$%^#

I came into Austin's room as he was getting dressed.
Me: You're a gorgeous mother &%#$^.
Austin: Oooo, gross. I'd never--
Me: You're right. My mom is pretty gross.
Austin: I'm not talking about your mom. I was thinking my mom. Now your mom is pretty hot.
Me, face palm.
Austin: I'll bet Angela Lansbury has kids. I'd love her.

Crying

So I came in from work and Austin was bent over the stove sniffling.
Me: Are you crying?
Austin: I always cry when I'm home alone.
Me: Well, you're not alone anymore. I'll give you something else to cry over.

Stupid Things

The dogfood bowl was empty.

Me: I don't remember if I fed the dog.

Austin: You did. I saw her eating.

Me: Oh, good. I've been forgetting all kinds of stupid things lately.

Austin, putting a hand on my arm: Trust me, you're remembering all kinds of stupid things right now.

Testosterone

Austin was complaining about the cats. All of them puking and peeing in places they ought not and just the general problem they are.
Austin: Tink is the only one that doesn't do anything bad.
Me: That's because she's a girl.
Austin: I would love it if you didn't have all these cats. Let's go back to that.
Me: Before you came along, I had a rule that only one male was allowed in this house. Since you came along, I've got all kinds of male in this house.
Austin: Don't blame me for this.
Me: Not a single one of the male cats in this house was here before you came in. I always limited myself to one male. Females, that was fine.
Austin made an incredulous noise.
Me: I never had more than one male cat in this house before you came along. After you came in, as insignificant as it is, your testosterone knocked me completely out of whack.
Austin: Ha!

Do Not Disturb

Assoc X, coming back from break, I was getting ready to go on break.
Assoc X: I just saw Austin downstairs in the break room.
Me: I better hurry up so I can see him.
Assoc X: He was reading. He doesn't want to be disturbed.
Me: I'm his wife. I'm going to disturb him.

The Night Shift

So, I've been talking about cutting my hours at my new job (still jcp, just a different position), but asking Austin about still working nights, since this is the lean shift and they need the people, how that's impacting the time we spend together and our relationship.
Austin: I didn't think there were any problems with our relationship.
Me: I miss seeing you.
Austin, attacking my arm in true melodrama style, looking up into my eyes: We can make it through anything.
Me: We're not going to make it through the next five minutes if you keep this up.

FallOut Boy

The band director must have a thing for FallOut Boy. The high school marching band is playing both Centuries and Dance Like Uma Thurman. So I'm getting the high school marching band version day and night. The joys of living across the street from a school.

Me: It messes with me every time I hear Dance Like Uma Thurman. Hearing the Munsters theme song creeping up, then oh, no, that's Dance Like Uma Thurman.

Austin: The Munsters theme song is in Dance Like Uma Thurman?

Me, nodding, a bit bemused.

Austin: I've never noticed.

Then he starts snapping his fingers.

Me: Not the Addams Family theme song. The Munsters.

Austin: How does it go?

Me: Like Dance Like Uma Thurman, nah-nah-nah-nah-na-nah-nah-nah-nah na-nuh-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.

Austin: Oh, I guess I've never heard the Munsters theme song.

Car Insurance

So about three weeks ago, Austin was dealing with car insurance and was trying to get his car fixed. Someone hit him while driving with his trucking company. So we have dealt with our insurance, the driver's private insurance and the company's insurance.

Me: I'm on vacation in three weeks. If you want me to do it then, we won't need a rental.

Austin: I'm not waiting that long to have it fixed.

Now I'm on vacation and Austin is still %&#$ with insurance companies. He's left several messages with the trucking company's insurance company and they haven't called back. So we're going back to our insurance company and if necessary, suing over the damage.

Me, in my nightie and kissing Austin as he leaves for work: Remember three weeks ago when I suggested scheduling the repairs for my vacation so we wouldn't need a rental car?

He didn't say anything.

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