I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

Salmon Breath

Kissing Austin goodnight, Me: Your breath smells like cat food after eating that salmon.
Austin: Don't put it down. Cat food might taste fantastic.
Me: I doubt it.
Austin: I think I'd like to try it. I bet I'd love it if you got me Fancy Feast.
I start leaving the room to go to bed.
Austin: Don't really get me Fancy Feast. I'm just joking.
Then when I send an e-mail to myself to remind myself to post this, Austin: So this was Internet worthy?

Me: It's Internet worthy that you think I don't know you're joking about eating cat food.

Dinner at Home

Me, cooking dinner. We recently had a marinara sausage dish, so I was trying to recreate that.I was going to share with Austin, but he brought in a salmon fillet, so nix that.
He comes in, kisses me, notices that I'm boiling rotini, sets his salmon on the counter. He goes upstairs to take off his work clothes.
I pull the sausage that's leftover from a cooking extravaganza Austin had over the weekend, chop it up and toss it in with the pasta.
Austin comes back downstairs in shorts and a tank.
Me, pulling a red sauce out of the fridge. Smells like an Italian tomato sauce.
Me: Is this like spaghetti sauce?
Austin: Yeah, but I was going to use it--
Me, putting it back: Oh.
Austin: With the leftover sausage.

Show My Love

Me: Is there anything I can do to show you how much I love you today?
Austin shakes his head.
Me: Are you sure? You should take advantage. I may not love you tomorrow.

Strong-Willed, Independent

Austin: I love you so much. You're intelligent, strong-willed, independent.
Me: If those are the qualifications, you could love my mom.
Austin: In a way I do.
OK.

A Gift

Austin was changing clothes for work.

Me: You are a gift.
Austin smiles sweetly, then smirks.
Me: I know, the booby prize.
Then I looked down at his chest.
Me: Though I shouldn't make that joke when you're topless.

Elbows

Austin: Your elbows are so gorgeous.
Me: Elbows are ugly. They're wrinkly, disgusting body parts.
Austin: Not yours. Yours are beautiful.

Egg Pie

Austin: Do you think two potatoes will be enough for my egg pie?
Me: I don't know.
Austin: Well, this is really just me playing around in the kitchen and all trial and error. It's just something fun to try.
Me: As long as you don't make me try it, I don't care.

Wonderful, Cold-Hearted

Austin: You are the most wonderful--
Me: Took you long enough to figure it out. Six years.
Austin: Cold-hearted--
I smacked him. End story.

Engaged

Austin: Can I use the iPad? Unless you're really engaged.
Me: I'm married. I'm not allowed to be engaged.
Austin: Technically, you are allowed to be engaged. Not according to my rules though. According to my rules, you're not allowed to be engaged ever again.
Me: You're a married man. You don't get to make rules.
Austin: Then you're allowed to be engaged. Now what?
Me: Well, let's see if we can get Emun Elliott on the phone and work something out.

No, Emun, I'm not serious. I just like looking at you.

In My Book

Me: You're the sexiest man in my book.
Austin: Well, that doesn't count for much. It's not a best seller. It's more like a self-published e-book.

Dishes

Me: I decided not to wash the dishes today. I didn't want to.
Austin: Uh-huh.
Me: You should care.
Austin: I don't.
Me: You should care about what I want, at least.
Austin: I don't.

Really Hot

Austin& I were watching an episode of Supernatural on Netflix. The actress is on the phone with a friend describing her date as really hot.
Me: He wasn't really hot.
Austin: I didn't think so either.
Me: I hate that on TV shows when a girl describes a guy as really hot, but he's not. Cast a hot guy if he's going to be described as hot.
Austin: He was to her.
Me: I doubt it.
Austin: She went out on a date with him.
Me: No, her character went out on a date with him. The actress probably thought he was mediocre too.
Austin: Well, her character then. If you were calling the police and I was missing, you'd describe me as pretty hot.
Me: No, I wouldn't.
Austin: Okay, that settles that. 

Later, Me: The hot guy just got lit on fire and burned to death, so I guess in that respect he was hot.

Almond Joy

Me, Mom & Austin went to Riverdance today. Always a fabulous show. After, we stopped at Whit's and I got a scoop of Almond Joy frozen custard. I relished the salty almonds as I lapped up each delicious bite.
Austin: So what's in the Almond Joy flavor?
Me: Almonds.
Austin: Of course.
Mom: Chocolate and coconut.
Austin: Yeah, sounds disgusting.
Mom: You don't like nuts, no coconut, no regular nuts?
Austin: Nope.
Mom: How can you love to cook so much and not like nuts?
Austin: I can only love so many nuts. If I liked almonds and coconut, I wouldn't have room for the nut named Rachel.
Mom: Your husband is mean to you.
Me: That's why I married him, so I could get even with him.
Mom: I think you're ahead.

Guilt

Austin & I were making dinner last night. He wanted to treat himself and suggested going to Cooper's Hawk, but after deciding that's too far away and it'd be too busy, we decided to go to a local meat market, get a couple of ribeye and fry them up.

Me: And I just cut the chives out of the herb garden and covered it with leaves. So you've got fresh chives for the mashed potatoes.

Austin: I've gotten so much out of that garden. I absolutely love our fresh herbs. I should have gone to my parents' more and gotten fresh vegetables from Doug.

Me: I tried to get you to visit. I should have guilted you more.

Austin: You guilted me plenty. Don't blame yourself.

Grapes

Me: As you requested, I got 6 pounds of grapes today, red, black and white.
Austin: I didn't request grapes.
Me: For Leah's party; you said you'd like grapes.
Austin: I said I'd eat grapes, I didn't request them. You were talking about fruits or vegetables. I made a suggestion.
Later, Austin looking in the fridge: Wow, you even took them off the stem.
Me: Of course. You can't wash them properly unless you take them off.
Austin: You don't have to wash them. You just have to run them under water. That's why the bags have holes in them.

A Walk

I informed Austin I was going on a walk.
Austin: Do you mind if I go with you?
Me: I guess if you desperately want to.
Austin: Only if I desperately want to? What if I only kind of want to?
Me: Then it would be an imposition.
Austin: Then I guess I'm going to impose.

West Side Market

If you're a foodie and happen to be in the Cleveland area, make a stop at the West Side Market. Fabulous! My mother went up and brought us back a goodie bag. Later, I was upstairs doing so work and Austin came in from work.

Austin, trudging upstairs: I wasn't here when your mom brought over all the food from West Side Market. Did she get the scone for me or did she get the scone for us? 'Cause if she got the scone for us, I cut it in half and left yours in the kitchen. If she got the scone for me, I'm going down and eating the rest of it.

iPhone Shopping

Austin has been looking at getting an iPhone. I know, we're so 20th century, we have plain old cell phones.

Austin: Every phone I looked at, every one, the battery capacity was awful. Six hours talking time. That was the best, hooked up to a charger, fourteen hours, but regular talking time, best, BEST, was six hours.

Me: You know, when my mom was little, they didn't have indoor plumbing. When she was three, she had to go out to the outhouse in the dark in the winter and froze just to go to the restroom.

Austin: I know, and my mom walked to school, up hill both ways, in the snow. And they only had one shoe between them and they had to keep stopping to switch it to the other foot so they wouldn't get frostbite.

Keep My Mouth Shut

Austin was telling me about this girl in his class who was complaining about the inaccuracies in a Disney movie. As I frequently complain about inaccuracies, continuity errors and things that just plain bother me in a flick, I had no problem with the girl's comments. Austin, on the other hand, hates when people complain. About anything. 

Austin: I mean, it's a Disney movie, for Pete's sake. It's not accurate.

Me: I get what you're saying.

Austin: But I was very sympathetic. I never let it show that I actually thought she was being whiny and even--

Me: Pedantic?

Austin: Yeah. I think I'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut.

Me: I'm married to you so I know better.

Ren Fest Facilities

Austin: Thank you for driving home.
Me: It's fine. It's nice to share duties.
Austin: Welcome to married life.
Me: Let's see. What other duties can we share?
I'm think changing kitty litter, cleaning drains, toilets, etc.
Austin: I'm not sure I want to share dooties. It sounds kind of gross to me.
I rolled my eyes.
Austin: Then again, if it means I get to share the women's facilities... Sounded like nice facilities you guys had at Ren Fest.
Me: Much better than it used to be. But you just point. Not at all complicated.
Austin: But the stall I had (gross details).
Me: But better than the trough they used to have?
Austin: Much better.

Cock Mix

There's this Jamaican soup mix, "Cock Mix." Austin & I love the stuff. It's a real thing. You can buy at some grocery stores and if you can't find it locally, Amazon carries multi-packs of it.

Several years ago at work, I was telling a co-worker that I wanted to make cock mix for dinner, but my thighs hadn't thawed.

This attracted more than one associate and manager's attention. So then I had to prove this was a real thing and our intercourse was perfectly innocent.

Well, this comes up every blue moon and how funny that was.

Austin and I haven't gotten to see much of each other lately because he's working second shift & I'm working first, so we made a point of going out to dinner together. After dinner at a restaurant, Austin knocked a full glass of water over and the water and ice splashed almost entirely into my lap. My legs were wet, my rear was wet. My shirt. Everything. And it was a bit nippy as this was on the late side, so I was freezing.

Me: Well, I was hoping to have a real cock mix tonight after we got home, since I've barely seen you and my loins have been aching, but now that my thighs are frozen, I guess not.

I continued to jibe Austin about this on the way home. His poor car, the seat was drenched from me sitting there.

Austin: It was an assident, accident.

Me: You're an assident.

More Cheese

Austin was telling me about all the different cheeses they had and was showing me all the ones he got, including a blueberry goat cheese.
Me: I've been interested in trying the caveman cheese for a while.
Austin: I almost got that one! I had it in my hand. If I had known you wanted it, I would have gotten it.
Me: Why didn't you?
Austin: It was kind of pricey and I already had a couple of cheeses picked out.
Me: So we ended up with the sock cheese instead?

Mary Morbier

Austin went cheese shopping and he was showing me his take. One was Mary Morbier cheese. I pronounced it as more bee-air.
Austin: No, it's more-beer.
Then Austin cut off a slice. He sucks on it, presses it down on his tongue, let's it emulsify.
Me, waiting for his description and for him to cut off a bit for me.
And still waiting. And waiting . . .
Then, Austin: Oh! Yuck, oooo, sick, sick, awful. Yuck! Yuck! It's like dirty gym socks. Yuck. Limberger. Get this taste off my tongue. Here, try some.

Yeah right.

Birthdays

Austin's b-day is long over and, yes, I have his main birthday gift for next year, but I recently saw a couple of things for him. And will put them back for next year. And I mentioned this to Austin.
Austin: Well, be careful that you don't spend too much. I know exactly what I want next year for my birthday.
Me, skeptical but attentive.
Austin: And I'll tell you two weeks before my birthday.

Panko

Austin and I haven't had a real fight in years. But we periodically have little skirmishes. So this happened at our house.
Austin put Panko bread crumbs on our grocery list. Well, lately Austin has put all kinds of things on the list that we have plenty of. Like Hellman's mayonnaise (three jars currently) and coffee (three packages). So I checked the cupboard. Sure enough, there is a whole box of unopened Panko bread crumbs.
So I struck it off the list. I went on with my life. Well, then I went to get the list, since I was going to the grocery store.

Sure enough:

And he spelled Panko wrong.

Four-legged Mammals

Me, Mom & Austin went to Velvet yesterday.
Austin: Oh look! They have a goat now!
Me: That's a donkey, you ass.

Happy/Bad thoughts

I had a very bad thought today: The local summer stock theater announced that Full Monty will be part of their 2018 lineup. I'm hoping the cute guy from 2017 will return for the show. I could stand to see him a little less clothed.

Kevyn with a Why

I ordered this shower curtain for Mom from wish.com. It arrived today with a very nice thank you note.
Me: It's from Kevyn, K-E-V-Y-N.
Austin: Oh God, Kevyn with a Y. Why, Kevyn, why!

Could Happen