Chin Hair

Austin's chin hair needs a trim, but he told me it was impossible.
Austin: The beard gods don't want that. When I tried to use my electric razor on it, the battery died. So I can't.
Me: Mhmmm.
Austin: My real goal is to get it long enough so I can dread it.
Me: You get it long enough and I'll dread it.

Soap

After I got out of the shower, I went to Austin's room to say goodnight.

Me: Wow, it stinks to high heaven in here.

Austin: Well, you smell like Heaven.

Me: That's soap.

Urges

Sorry, running a little late. I worked 56 hours last week and I live an hour from work, so with drive time and getting ready for work, I've haven't done anything but eat and sleep and work.

I hugged Austin while he was in the kitchen making an icy drink.

Austin, ice tray in hand: I'm resisting the urge to dump all this ice down your back because I know you'd hate it.

I squeeze harder.

Austin: I'm resisting it.

Me, punching him in the chest.

Austin: Ouch, I resisted the urge.

Me: That's so you'll learn not to have those urges.

Austin: I'm still going to have those urges. You've taught me not to tell you what I'm thinking.

Grocery List Grab Bag!

Prizes to those who can tell me what flavors of Greek yogurt Austin has added to the grocery list. I finally figured out that "siren" was "straw[berry]" and blue, obviously, but Hook or blade, je ne sais pas, and the word after that, I know what it says, because I told him to add it, but God help me if someone thinks that's legible. Coconut is the one that's crossed off.

Character Creation Continued

Austin: Thank you for helping me with character creation.
Me: Well, if I could have helped you not create them, it would have been better.
Austin: No, you signed up for this. These are like my babies. You have to help me.
Me: Uh-huh.
Austin: Also, you have to keep me from making them too handsome.

Character Creation

Austin: You're just in time.
Me: Astound me.
Austin: I need your help with character creation.
Me: It's too late for you.
Austin, pointing at the game on the TV: Ha ha, I want you to help me make this guy look like me, but more manly.
Me: Good luck.

Visa Bill

Me: I got my visa bill with my car repair bill on it. Oh my God! I don't have that kind of money. But we get paid this week.
Austin, very solemn: Well, if you need money--
Me: I know, my mom's always available.
Austin: Well, actually, I was going to say for sexual favors, I would be willing. I don't think your Mom would be.
Me: Thanks, I'll manage.

The Grocery List

Austin texted me at work to make sure I picked up half and half, Greek yogurt and coffee at the grocery store. I got home, was putting away groceries and discovered seven cups of Greek yogurt in the fridge and an eleven ounce bag of coffee on the counter.

$110,000

Me: The house behind us that's for sale.
Austin: Yeah?
Me: They're asking $110,000.
Austin: What!!!
Me: They painted the house and put on a new roof.
Austin: So? The house is still here in the middle of nowhere. It's a ranch house.
Me: I know.
Austin: What are they thinking? Unless it has a three story basement.

Austin then spent the rest of the morning speculating about what could be in that basement. Like a parking garage or a swimming pool.

Austin: A swimming pool would be awesome.

Me: Yeah, I could drown you in it. And the police would never find you, because no one would know about this awesome basement.

Austin: Nah. You're more creative than that.

No Drama

Me: I was IM'ing Skippy this morning, just enough to say hi, how are you.
Austin: That's nice.
Me: We both love our jobs and our spouses. No drama in our lives.
Austin: You could make up some. 'Austin's just so frustrating. His schlong just grew ten inches overnight. I'm so upset. I guess I'll just have to get used to it.'

Dream on, Lover.

The Turkey Talking

Me, Mom and Austin went to lunch together. I had the turkey platter, Mom had fish & soup, Austin had a brunch special, eggs Benedict.
As we were leaving, Me: You are so gorgeous and wonderful. I'm so lucky to have you.
Mom: That's the turkey talking.
Me: I haven't heard Austin say a word.

Lunch Plans

Austin & I were discussing lunch tomorrow. Then we settled plans.
Me: I'm going to call Mom, let her know.
Austin: OK, but I don't think she'll hear you from here. Try going out on the porch and calling from there.

Cold

I squealed and Austin, being a good husband, dashed to the bathroom.

Austin: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah. I sprayed myself with perfume and the chill jolted me.
Austin: I think it's time to turn on the furnace.

Scones

Austin made scones.
Austin: How do you like them?
Me: They're pretty good. I don't much care of the chocolate chips.
Later, Austin, hugging me: I love you, even though you have poor taste.
Me: That's lucky for you.

Back to Normal

Me: Are you training again tomorrow?
Austin: No, I'm back to normal.
It would have been easy, soooo easy, but I didn't say it. This isn't a sign that I'm evolving.

Did You?

Austin: Did you go to X today?
Me: No. I told you, I didn't feel like.
Austin: I know you didn't go yesterday, but I wasn't sure about today.
Me: I just told you that, like four hours ago.
Austin: Oh, was that today? I thought that was yesterday. I've got my days mixed up.
At least he's listening to me.

The "D" Word

Austin bought a package of cream cheese at this specialty meat market and he paid $1.79 for it. Plain old package of 8 oz cream cheese. I told him that was a ridiculous price, but he did it anyway. I told him I was going to be mad at him for a while. We went home, had a nice dinner, watched some TV.
Austin: I'm glad I got the extra package of cream cheese. The cheese ball needed it.
Me, aggravated that he's bringing it up after our spat had blown over: Don't make me bring up the "D" word.
Austin: What "D" word?
Me: You know what "D" word.
Austin: There's lots of "D" words, dog, deal, dead.
Me: Dead's a good word. You'll be dead if you keep it up.

Braids

I was teasing Austin's beard.
Austin: I'm going to grow it long enough to put two braids in it.
Me: You know how I'm always saying how much I love you? I love you to a point. And that's to when you start braiding your beard.

Dark Places

Austin: I had enough change to break a $20 for X the other day, so she bought me a Rice Krispies treat. Out of the machine. You know, the good kind. Not the crappy homemade kind.
Me: You're joking.
Austin: No, I like the malty kind with chemicals that are always chewy.
Me: Sometimes I don't know you.
Austin: What?
Me: Chemicals, seriously?
Austin: You know I like box macaroni and cheese with the cheese in a packet.
Me: Sometimes, when you talk about food, I'm so proud, then other times, you go to these dark places--
Austin: When I was a kid, I used to put my finger in a jar of mayonnaise and swipe it around the rim--
Me: Just stop.

Demented Hillbilly

Me: You're so gorgeous.
Austin: I'm glad you think so. Because most of the time, I think I look like a demented hillbilly.

Pumpkin Oatmeal Cookies

Austin: Can we use some of that pumpkin to make pumpkin oatmeal cookies?
Me: Yes, but I made those no-bake pumpkin oatmeal cookies and there are still plenty of those in the freezer (because both of us are on a diet).
Austin: I don't want that kind. I want the kind that you bake.

One of my friends fancies herself a psychic and had a vision with me having children. Maybe she was confused. I already have one really tall, skinny, long-haired blond child.

Forever

Me: I'll love you forever and ever and ever and ever.
Austin: I'm holding you to it.
So, then I needed to find out how long forever is.
Austin: Hey Siri, how long is forever? [laughing] She wants to know which Forever, Shrek Forever After, Always and Forever, Batman Forever.
Me: I found a winner. The White Rabbit says forever is one second. I'm done.

Serial Murderers

I'm doing laundry, so all my white bras are in the washing machine. I pulled out a fuchsia one I rarely wear. Then I saw a bright pair of fuchsia panties. :D So I match today. I wanted to show Austin and remind him of this meme.
Me: Austin, look, I match!
Austin: That's great. But you know, you're running the risk of being the victim of a serial murder.
Me: That was exactly what I was going to say!

Me and the Skeletal Dinosaur

I wanted the triceratops that eyes lit up and made noise, but at a whopping $100.00, I went for a photo instead.

Me, not too thrilled with the multiple chins: I know you love me and I'm your wife and all, but if I look hideous in a photo, please tell me.
Austin: Yes. I will absolutely do that. And the next time you look fat in a dress, I'll let you know that too.

The Selfie as a Mirror

Austin: How do I look in these sunglasses?
Me, face twisting: Kind of doofy, honestly.
Austin looks for a mirror. Then he takes a picture of himself and I shake my head.
Austin: I know you can see how I look, but I can't see how I look.

Halloween Costumes

I was telling Austin about prospective Halloween costumes. One I am enthusiastic about, a zombie bride.

Me: I'd bury the dress so it'd be nice and gross and tattered.

Austin: Don't bury it. You'd want to wash it, it'd be icky to wear. A great substitute for dirt is cocoa powder.

Me: I can't see wasting cocoa powder like that.

Chocolate

Me, hugging Austin after an especially long day of work: Chocolate isn't always the answer. Sometimes it's you.

Austin: I could change my name to Chocolate. Then the cup would still be right.

Flower

I found this flower on my desk when I got to work. Turns out Austin left it for me.

Austin: I found it on the ground. Someone must have lost it or thrown it out.

Me: Wow, I mean, you took a really sweet gift and, wow.

Sapiosexual

This should be more common than it is:
sapiosexual
noun [sey-pee-oh-sek-shoo-uh l]
1. a person who finds intelligence to be a sexually attractive quality in others.

Me: I hope I'm a sapiosexual.
Austin: You found me, so that's obviously not true. You like people to be easy to manipulate.

Hello, I'm Austin

Things my husband does when he has too much time on his hands.

Cold Heart

Austin made mention of how cold it was and I told him it was always balmy in his room because he runs this little space heater non-stop.
Austin: But it's always cold in here.
Me: It's your cold heart.
Austin, as I'm leaving his room: Aren't you going to ask where I keep my cold heart?
Me, hanging back.
Austin: In my ice chest.
SMH.