Kroger App

Austin was showing me the Kroger App. He's quite proud of it. All the foods he can look up and adding item to the shopping list.

Austin: It even shows you exactly where to go.

Me: I tell you where to go all the time.

Austin: Yeah, but I listen to this.

Damn you, Kroger!

Austin and I texting.

Me: Kroger only had three cups of your Greek yogurt.

Austin: I'm going to be on readiness row when you take off on 9/26. If you want to have your alone time and have a little space from me I understand. But if you want, I could take the day off and we could spend some time together.

Austin: Damn you, KROGER!!!!

Me: That would be wonderful. The taking time off together. Not the damning Kroger part.

Accident

So Austin and I had a little accident. And in accident, I mean, oops, my penis slipped and fell into your vagina sans birth control. So now I'm crossing my fingers. And as my husband has had a string of the accidents lately, I felt the need to mention it.

Me: Look, if you want to try for kids, we can do that. But I really don't want something to happen right now.

Austin: I barely went in.

Me: You were all the way in.

Austin, making dismissive noise.

Me: Look, if I got pregnant right now, that would put the delivery date squarely in the middle of our France trip next year.

Austin: Ouch. That puts things into perspective.

Me: That's right.

Austin: It's not all my fault.

Me: Excuse me?

Austin: You heard me.

Me: Yeah, 'cause I can picture in the middle of the show, me growling, “Get off me.”

Feeling Romantic

I was super-tired on Saturday, having gotten out of bed at 4:30 am so I could get to work and get a jump on the books. So, after working ten hours and the hour commute each way, I was utterly exhausted when I got home. Austin was feeling romantic, which was received with derision, to say the least. So, in the kitchen, just grabbing something to eat, Austin pulled down his drawers to show me his privates.

Austin: In case you were missing him. Because he's missing you.

Me, too tired to care.

Austin: He misses you so much, I'm going to draw eyes on him and put him in a little bow-tie.

Me: The little part is right.

The next day, Austin: After you went to bed, I was going to draw eyes on my penis, take a picture and send it to your phone, but then I decided not to. I thought that might go terribly wrong.

Me: Oh yes, very terribly wrong.

Cranberry Tea

Austin had a glass of his cranberry juice-tea concoction. I picked up the glass and drank a little. Then a little more. Then I finished it.
Me: I'm sorry I drank your cranberry tea. I mean, I'm not really sorry. It's more like a token apology.

The Most Wonderful Person in the World

Austin left me a love note. It was really cute and sweet too. But it starts out with the line: "I am so happy to share this home with the most wonderful person in the world."
And every time I read it, I can't help thinking, "Hmmm, I wonder who that is." 

'Cause it's definitely not me or one of the cats.

Maybe it's one of his new co-workers. He likes his boss a lot. 

Unplanned Pregnancies

So one of my co-workers is pregnant and our boss just had a baby, so procreation has been a constant topic at work. The lone male Y co-worker in admin has said firmly that he doesn't want children.

Co-worker X: You might change your mind. When you get older it's different. When you actually have them . . . None of my three were planned.

Me, telling this to Austin later at home: I so desperately wanted to say, “Did your birth control fail or do you not know how sex works?”

Austin: Yeah, that would make me want to say something inappropriate too. I mean, when vaginas and penises get together, babies happen.

Me: Well, I mean, one of each. If you have two penises getting together--

Austin: Right, 'cause two penises, that'd just be like [slapping his arms together sort of like a seal].

$21.00

Austin was showing me the replacement heads to his Oral-B electric toothbrush.

Austin: Twenty-one dollars for three! That's ridiculous.

Me: You know, you're awfully excited about this. You don't get this excited about anything. You haven't gotten this excited about sex in years.

Austin: Of course! Twenty-one dollars! For three?

Strike

Since Austin and I won't see each other until next weekend, we were talking about what we were going to do.
Austin: We can do anything that strikes your fancy.
Me, because I wasn't really listening and his rear looked cute, I swatted it.
Austin: I said, "Strike your fancy," not "Strike my fanny."

Strangled by the Sith

I've been threatening to quit my job since November. I have three pics of Emun Elliott on my wall at my station and my co-worker Deb wants one. Of course, I told her no.

Austin: You could give Deb one. You have three.

Me: Amy gave me those. Besides, if she wants to look at him, she can surf the net. There's hundreds of him there. I mean, he was even in Force Awakens. That was important. Even in America.
 Austin: But not Last Jedi.
Me: His character probably died. I mean, all the rebels died . . .

Austin: He was strangled by the sith.

Me: I'll strangle you.

Customer Service King

Austin: They call me the Customer Service King at work.
Me: You're not really king material. Maybe prince.
Austin: How about Queen?
Me: That works for me. 

Good Husband

Austin at work.
Austin: My wife is always right.
Austin's boss: You're a good husband. That sounded sincere. You didn't sound sarcastic at all. If I'd have said that, I would have sounded flippant or glib at least.

Birthday Cake

Me: I want a ho-ho cake or an ice cream cake for my birthday. I've been craving ice cream lately.
Austin: Whit's is going to be open again March first.
Me: How is that place reopening in six weeks going to help me now?

Sleep Like . . .

Have you met my husband?  I definitely want to sleep like my husband.

Anniversary Gift

My husband knows me well. This is exactly what I need. Clears sinuses and wakes me up. Five packages for five years. We have a romance that will burn for eons.

The Refectory

Austin and I are going to The Refectory for our anniversary.
Austin: I'm going to dress for dinner.
Me: I'm going to dress too. Nudity is generally frowned upon.
Austin: Especially in this cold.
Me: And me with my winter legs.
Austin: Well, yeah.

Almost Finished

Austin has been reading It by Stephen King.
Austin: I'm almost finished with my book.
Me, laughing: That's what you said last month. And you'll say it again next month.
Austin: I haven't been . . . well, yeah. I have been saying that for a while now.

Awake

Not only am I awake, Austin's awake. And he let the dog out and fed all the animals. I'm in the Twilight Zone. Where's Mulder and Scully when you need them?

Star Wars

Austin's so slow, I always automatically add fifteen minutes so we'll be on time. Today, we finally motivated ourselves to see the new Star Wars movie. If we left by 12:15, we'd get to the one o'clock showing by 12:40. At 12:05, Austin was putting on his coat and going out to the car.

I guess it's priorities.

Fuzzy Sleep Pants

Austin got some fleece sleep pants for Christmas. He was in the kitchen when I noticed them. I went over and put my hands all over them. Austin turns, eyes large and puppy-dog-like. His mouth drooped into a frown.
Austin: I can almost wear them. They're almost fuzzy and I almost can't stand it.
Me: They're not fuzzy. They're soft.
Austin: Yes, but they're almost fuzzy and it's almost too much. I almost hate it. But you know.
Me: Yeah, you're a guy and you have to make things worse than they are.

Expanding with Love

Me: Have I told you how much I love you today?

Austin: Maybe.

Me: I love you so much, the love couldn't be contained in my heart. It spilled out and ended up in my stomach. And now my stomach is expanding with all that love. That's why I'm getting fat.

Ugly Child

So Mom and I were eating out together.
Mom: Oh my gosh, look at those big floppy ears on that baby. Poor boy.
Me: I'm pretty sure that's a girl.
Mom: No, that child's much too ugly to be a girl. It has to be a boy.
Me: Nah Mom, look at her pink outfit. I'm pretty sure that's a girl.

Moral Dilemma

Austin: I know you don't care, but I'm having a moral dilemma with my game Destiny Two. I'm most fond of the hunter because he looks the best but he's not very useful. He's good at dodging and that's all it does. The titan is really strong and can take more damage. The warlock is the best, but he's the worst looking.
Me: And the moral dilemma is that your opinion of the characters is based on aesthetics?
Austin: Yes.

Austin: I know you don't care, but I'm having a moral dilemma with my game Destiny Two. I'm most fond of the hunter because he looks the best but he's not very useful. He's good at dodging and that's all it does. The titan is really strong and can take more damage. The warlock is the best, but he's the worst looking.
Me: And the moral dilemma is that your opinion of the characters is based on aesthetics?
Austin: Yes.

Joyce Died

Me: The e-mail about Joyce dying.
Austin, lying in bed: Yeah.
Me: The emoji you sent in your reply didn't come through.
Austin, putting hand over his mouth. So I smack him.
Me: That's rude.
Austin: I sent the Oh! symbol.
Me: Oh. It looked like you were yawning.

Panko Box

Just an ordinary day in our house.

Super Sperm!

Usually, Austin buys the condoms, but since I was going to the store anyway, Austin asked me to do it. He didn't tell me what kind. Standard rule: Whatever is the best value. So I got him the Ultra Thin Trojans.

Austin: This is the kind I like. You don't like these kind.

Me: I don't remember that.

Austin: You were worried that the ultra thin didn't offer as much protection and that you'd get pregnant.

Me, shrug it off.

Austin: Because you know, I got power sperm. Your vagina takes a pounding every time I ejaculate. I mean, those sperm just pound into the rubber. They push up against it, fighting to get through. I don't blame you for being afraid. I mean, it shoots out like a bullet. My sperm is a lethal weapon.

Snow Season

Austin was talking about his job and people needing training on snow removal.
Austin: But snow season is almost over.
Me: Rabbit season!
Pause.
Austin: Duck season!
Me: Rabbit season!
Austin: Rabbit season!
Me: Duck season!
Austin: Rabbit season!
Me, my hand like a gun: Pow!
Austin: Oh.

Diarrhea

Austin thinks he's got food poisoning. He's been up with diarrhea since 4:00 a.m.
Austin: I feel shitty.
Me: If I make a joke about how many times you've been in the bathroom this morning, that would be inappropriate.

Pants

Austin, via text: I am was forgot to tell you, Jason and Jeremy announced yesterday that they are starting the adoption process and hopefully will be pants in the future

Me, also via text: Pants r all well and good but jammies are better

Austin, text: Stupid phone doesn't understand me

Me, text: It's not the phone

Father Brown

Me: Four more episodes and I'll be finished watching Father Brown. I can only watch so much, but it's a good to show to have on when you're not really watching TV.
Austin: Uh-huh.
Me: It's not like you can solve the mysteries anyway, but I'm not much for mystery-solving. I mean it's ten years and I still haven't solved the mystery of you and me.

Skin Calendar

My brother-in-law got my husband a skin calendar. My mother-in-law got him a Cthulhu calendar, which he gushed over. Nevertheless . . .

My husband was paging through the skin calendar and appreciating the scantily clad babes.
Me: That calendar is insulting.
Austin: I like the Cthulhu calendar better.
Me: Yeah, but you don't have to drool.
Austin: Says the woman who has three pictures of Emun Elliott at her desk.
Me: I have to listen to you and Angela Lansbury. I should be glad she doesn't have a skin calendar.
Austin: If such a thing existed, I wouldn't need you.