Endometrial Ablation

I've been looking into having an endometrial ablation. A couple of my friends have had them and love them. I thought an EA was also a sterilization method, but it's not.

Me: I mean, I would think it'd sterilize you.

Austin: Why?

Me: The endometrial lining is gone. The uterus is no longer a hospitable place for the egg to hunker down. But, I guess you can still get pregnant. But how would you know you're pregnant if you don't have a period?

Austin: I'm sure you'd know. You'd faint.

Sexual Harassment

Austin was sexually harassed today. We were standing in line at B&N and this guy starts playing with Austin's hair.

Austin: Dude!

Dude: Sorry. I thought you were a girl.

Austin, to me: That makes it worse. Hasn't that guy heard all the BS about sexual harassment right now?

Preggers

I recently watched Painted Veil, based on Somerset Maughm's novel. Really great, but the way they determine the heroine is pregnant. She faints. I must have railed about that for an hour.

Me: I get it. We couldn't talk about periods and sex and pregnancy.

Austin: Those were the Dark Ages.

Me: Actually, the Dark Ages were a lot more open than the 1800's, 1900's. I mean if you watch black and white TV, woman faints, sure enough, she's pregnant. I remember watching Me and the Egg for the first time and the woman faints. I was a kid. My mom said, “Oooo, she's pregnant.” And I was like, you've got to be kidding. Sure enough, she was preggers. Then I started noticing it all the time. When I watch old stuff, I guess Maughm's novel is old, so it's OK to keep that intact. It's probably the way it was written (I haven't read it—yet), but I saw a rerun of ER not too long ago where Alex Kingston's character fainted—face palm. That is not the way 99% of women find out they're pregnant.

After a while, I noticed Austin wasn't saying anything and pointed it out.

Austin: If I asked if you were done, you'd have just launched in all over again. And yelled at me for being insensitive. I've learned.

Chinese Food

Yesterday, I expected to get out of work on time, but ended up being stuck over. So when Austin called my cell 15 minutes after I should have gotten off,
Me, growling: I'm still at work. We've had a disaster. What do you want?
Austin: I'm going to stop at China Dragon on my way home. Would you like me to pick you up some vegetable delight?
Me: Yes, vegetable delight would be wonderful. I'd really appreciate that. Thank you for thinking of me.
After I got off the phone, co-worker X, roaring laughter: Vegetable Delight? More like Sweet and Sour.

M&M's

Today, the co-workers were talking about red M&M's.
Co-worker X: They removed the red M&M's from packages for a while.
Me: Yeah, they didn't have red M&M's when I was little. Scare over the dye. So when they re-introduced them, I wouldn't eat them. They didn't have blue when I was little either, but I decided the red was unnatural and I won't eat them now. I pick them out and give them to whoever is closest.
Co-worker X: I thought you were going to say you give them to someone you hate.
Me: Usually I give them to Austin.

Pickles and Half & Half

Me: We only have one pickle left. I don't know how I'll survive.
Austin: I need half and half too.
Me: I just picked you up half a gallon on Monday!
Austin: I know, but I need more. I can stop tomorrow after work. I'll look crazy in line with my pickles and half and half.
Me: You don't need pickles and half and half to look crazy.

$1000

Austin: Siri, send Rachel $1,112.38 through Paypal.

Me: Why are you sending so much? The bill this month was only a couple hundred. Are you sending money to my mom?

Austin: Yes.

Me: Like, $700?

Austin: $1,000.

Me: Wow. Well, she'll like that.

Austin: Yeah, but now I've confused Siri and have to start over again.

Surprises

I bought a new microwave today and picked up a couple of French presses for Austin.
Me: I don't know if I should text Austin or if I should let him come home and be surprised.
Mom: You could text him that you got him a surprise.
Me: Austin's not much for surprises.
Mom: You're surprise enough for him?

Moral Dilemma Continued

Do you remember when Austin was having a moral dilemma in January? I do. I still get to hear about it.

Austin: Why does the hunter have to look so good? He's so useless. And the wizard is awesome but he looks horrible.
Me: It's a case of art mimicking reality.

Well, I finally bothered to watch Austin playing this game he's been whining over. He plays almost exclusively with the wizard now. He just complains endlessly that the character is ugly.

Me: This is the game?
Austin: Yeah.
Me: You were having a moral dilemma over this?
Austin: Yeah.
Me: It's a first person shooter.
Austin: Yeah.
Me: All you see is the arm. You don't see the body or face of the character at all! 

Austin's Bday Continued

Since Austin's boss thinks 2Chainz Happy Birthday song is an apt suggestion for Austin's birthday, I've been trying to come up with an appropriate reply. I'm pretty sure this is as good as it's going to get.

This is also an acceptable interpretation of "big booty hoe."

Austin's Bday

Austin's new boss loves him. With Austin's bday coming up, his boss was giving him suggestions for what to ask for.

He directed him to this video by 2Chainz. Happy Birthday.

Me: You can't keep me happy. You've got no chance a big booty ho.

Screws

When I was redoing the bathroom, I had to take all the screws out of the wall.

Me: I had so many screws in my mouth, I should have had an orgasm.

Amazon Order

I told Austin I was going to place an Amazon order. Did he want me to add anything to it, for free shipping? He e-mailed me a list.

Earl Grey Tea

I'm allergic to coffee, so I drink tea like it's the elixir of life. This past month, I have sung the praises of Earl Grey more than once. Like several times a day, every day.

Mopped the bathroom floor with tea yesterday. Recommended by a DIY site.
Austin: It looks great.
Me: I think so.
Austin: It smells pretty good too. You know, if you wanted it to--I know you'll probably say no--but if you wanted it to smell really good, like a natural air freshener, you could use some of your Earl Grey tea.
Me: No.
Austin: Just one bag.
Me: No.
Before and after.

Duh

Austin's filling out benefits paperwork at his new job. He wanted to know the date of our marriage. I had to go look.

Spider Pride

Austin: You'd be really proud of me. There was this gigantic spider. It was on my spoon. And I didn't kill it. I got it onto the cutting board and took it outside. 

SMH. 

Senior Discount

Me: The local meat market gave me the senior discount today. And guess what? I don't mind.
Austin: That was nice.
Me: I saved $2.00. Mom was with me.
Austin: Perhaps they thought she was your sister.

Spiders

Mom and I were discussing the beautiful black and yellow spiders that we each have in our yard and I was mentioning all the spiders I've seen in the house.

Me: I've got a spider that's attached its web to my computer monitor, so every time I turn the monitor off, I have to navigate the web. Also, there's one by one of the light switches. I fear for its life, because if Austin sees it, he'll kill it.

Austin: I already know about that spider. I won't kill it. It's tiny. Now last night, there was this huge one by the fridge. I mean it was like the size of a quarter. And I tried to get a glass and paper plate and put it outside, but it kept moving and I finally gave up and said it could have the fridge.

Bday Coming Up

So, I bought Austin's birthday gift 3/11/17. About two weeks ago, I asked Austin how he wanted it presented to him. He said gift-wrapped, of course, which is a challenge. So I put a towel in a shirt box (his towel, in case he gets any ideas) and wrapped the box with a note saying, "My nephew told me to wrap an empty box. That idea should have occurred to me without his help." And every day since, I've been shaking the box at him. "Do you know what you're getting? Any guesses? You can unwrap it now."

Yesterday, I told one of our friends all the ways I'm going to prank Austin for his birthday and one of the pranks I decided not to pull.

Me: X said I should prank you mercilessly.
Austin: That &*^#
Me, shaking the box at him: You can have it. It's only 16 days early.
Austin: You can't threaten me. I've got a 32" TV.

Fruit in Chia

Austin wanted to try some of my fruit cup in chia, so I handed it over. He ate a spoonful, then his face twisted. Then he ate another bite. Same expression, passes the cup back to me.
Me: You're the only person I know who could make a face like then take a second bite.

Mom Stopping

Austin was making dinner in some thermal leggings and a sweater. I went in and apprised myself of a touch. Then I texted Mom to let her know I was home. Then Mom texted back that she wouldn't stop by after all.
Me: Hmph, and after she was texting me at work and everything. At least I don't have to worry about her seeing your little heiney and having to make you pull your sweater down over it.
Austin: Are you sure? I took pictures.

Diagram

Austin just got his denture adjusted and had to go back to get it readjusted. After the second fitting and still having some sensitivity, he began to do a pain study so he could better describe what he was feeling. After every meal, he'd pull out this little picture he'd drawn of his denture and make little hash mark to show where it was rubbing. Well, he returned to the dentist for another fitting. Hopefully the last one. And handed over his hand-drawn picture of the denture and the rubbing issues.

Dentist: This is the first time anyone has drawn me a diagram.

P Fruit

Austin and I got a lot of chocolate to try when we went shopping together a few weeks ago.
Austin: I can't wait to try the pomegranate chocolate bar.
Me: You mean the passion fruit?
Austin: Yeah, yeah. P fruit.
Me: As long as it's not *(#%^& fruit.

Dinner

So, Austin and I have a deal. While I'm unemployed, I make dinner and he pays for groceries. I usually have dinner ready around 5:00.

Austin, at 5:07: When are you going to have dinner ready?

Austin had the day off. I asked him to run errands with me, but he didn't feel like it. So I went on my own, picked up supplies to work on updating the bathroom, bought groceries, bought a new dog tie-out because Cassie broke the tie-out again, got home around 2:00, made crepe Suzette as a late lunch (the deal is dinner only, we fend for ourselves on the other meals), worked on the bathroom a couple of hours, fell off the ladder, so my legs are killing me, etc. Austin sat in front of the TV binge watching Frankenstein Chronicles and playing Skyrim all day.

Austin: Or I can make dinner.

Caulking

Me: Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Austin: I was just checking on what you were doing.

Me, holding up the caulk gun: Caulking. Not hard.

Austin: I can think of another kind of cocking that's hard.

Me: I knew you were going to go there.

JSTKWEL

I was stuck behind this car with vanity license plates. He was driving really slow, but after dark and on our country roads, too dangerous to pass. So I bucked it up. I don't tailgate, so I couldn't read his plates, but I kept trying to puzzle it out.

Finally JSTKWEL: Jesus Take the Wheel.

Damn, Jesus is a slow driver.

Sugar

For Easter, Kroger was running a special on sugar 99¢ a bag. Austin goes through a bag every week to ten days. Limit five.

So I told Austin about the sale.

Austin: We have eight bags of sugar now. We don't need any.

So I'm incredulous, but I'm an honest woman.

But 99¢ a bag.

So I now have four bags of sugar in my trunk and am slowly bringing them in as I refill the sugar jar.

Starting Over

At Christmas, my brother-in-law's fiancee decided to take half of the cake I had made for everyone to share.
Fiancee: My mother would love this. You don't mind if I take a slice?
I shook my head. I was flattered that she liked it so much. (It was a passion fruit Jell-o cake.)
Fiancee: Oh, and my son would like some too. [Takes another slice. Then pretty soon she has half of it divided up for her family.]
Fiancee: You don't mind?
She means well, but she's an imbecile.

I actually labored a lot over starting the tiramisu again. I'd made the egg part and had allowed the hour chilling. Six eggs and an hour gone.

Me: It's not like it's for anyone special. It's for your family. It'd be OK if it was a little off.

Austin: It's six eggs. Start over.

Me: Six eggs wasted.

Austin: We bought a dozen for 29¢. It's no big deal.

So, I decided to start again, put the egg mixture in a bowl and put in the fridge. I'll make bread pudding or a custard pie or something with it . . .

Austin, continuing to discuss Easter: You know, Fiancee X will probably be there. If nothing else, she'll be hilarious to watch.

Me: You know, I shouldn't start over. I'll bet Fiancee X will take half of it to share with her family like she did at Christmas.

Austin: No she's not. It's mine.

Easter Tiramisu

While making tiramisu, I accidentally used six eggs instead of six egg yolks and had to start over.

Me: I knew it was six yolks, not six whole eggs. I got distracted. I had to compost the egg shells, let the dog in, put the CD's back in the car.

I was also sneaking sugar into the house, since Austin was busy and wouldn't notice.

Me: Somehow, in between cracking the eggs and adding them, I didn't separate them. I don't know what I was thinking.
Austin: I feel that way all the time.

Happy April Fools Day!!!! Oh yeah . . . and Easter.

Aldi had grapes for 99¢ a pound. They must have seen this.