Shower

Me: I’m gonna take a shower.
Austin: Where you gonna take it?
Me: Oh, I figured to the backyard. The neighbors haven’t seen me do anything exciting for a while.

Vacation Plans

Yellowstone Nation Park Has No Government or Jurisdiction

We're talking about travel plans for 2020, mostly the British Isles. I was reading a random article about odd facts. Yellowstone National Park has a spot where you can murder someone and get away with it, because they have no government, no jurisdiction. I looked it up, verified. It's true, you can murder someone at Yellowstone and get away with it because you can't be prosecuted.

Me: I know where I want to go on vacation.

If Mom Died

My mom couldn't get out of the car because it was locked.

Me: You just open the door.

Mom, before I can explain: I can't.

So Austin unlocks it.

She gets out, we pull away. I groan loudly.

Austin: You love your mom.

Me, grumbling: I know. I love her. To death.

Austin: Come on. You wouldn't know what to do with yourself if something happened to your mom.

I mumble an assent.

Austin: Well, you'd do a dance, then you wouldn't know what to do with yourself.

GPS App

Austin was talking about his GPS app and how great it is.

Austin: And for a few more dollars, I could have gotten a special voice. Of Rachel yelling at me. 'You missed the turn, dummy.'

British Isles

We’re planning a trip to the British Isles in late 2020.
Me: I know you’ve been busy, but Mom’s been asking which trip appeals most to you, the 10-day or the 14-day.
Austin: It doesn’t really matter to me.
Me: Well, the only real difference between the 10-day and the 14-day is—
Austin: Four days?

Spaghetti Sauce

Me: I think the spaghetti sauce turned out rather well.
Austin: I think you turned out rather well. No matter what your mom says.

More Pies

I sat on Austin’s lap and he hugged me.
Austin: Let’s skip Christmas this year.
Me: But I made pies.

Pie

Me: One pie down, one to go.
Austin: Looks nice.
Me: The other one’s in the oven. This one is a little over done, but I figure it will be fine.
Austin: It looks good to me.
Me: It’s supposed to jiggle in the middle. [Hugging Austin around the waist] Good thing we’ve got you to jiggle in the middle.

Bucket of Cement

I took a bucket of cement patch powder downstairs, mixed it up, prepared the hole in the wall so I could fill it. I wiped my cheek, got cement on myself. I trudged back up the steps, washed my hands, cleaned up the bucket. Austin wandered into the kitchen.

Me: I'm done fixing the hole in the basement.
Austin: I know. Turnip (our cat) had her foot stuck in it. Like a little kitty mafia, cement shoes, drop her into the river. 

Me: That's the Christmas spirit.

Cassie the Black-Coated Puppy

So I hear the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer from the kitchen and then I hear Austin sing something about mass-consumerism.
"Cassie with your coat so black, won't you help take Christmas back?"

Yes, I stole the image of Santa. Apparently the property of Getty Images.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

I don't watch Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., but Austin loves it. Apparently Coulson is dead and he’s been dead for a year. And Austin felt the need to explain this to me.
Austin: They just said it. They’re celebrating the one year anniversary of Coulson’s death.
Me: Wow. That’s exactly how I’d do it. So-and-so has been dead for a year. Let’s throw a party.
Austin: Woohoo! Let’s make a cake!
Me: I’ll have to make a note so I’ll remember to do that when you die.
Austin: You won’t need a note.

Chunky

 It's no secret that Austin was overweight as a child. He's very proud of himself for losing all that weight as a teenager. And though he has a paunch now, he's still basically tall and thin.

We were talking about peanut butter and I stated that I prefer creamy.

Austin: My mom likes things chunky.

Me: That's why your mom liked you best when you were little.

Austin: You bitch.

Vegan Bread

Watching Great British Bake-off, one of the bakers making a vegan loaf of bread.
Austin: Can vegans have yeast? I mean, technically, yeast is a bacteria.
Me: Vegans can eat whatever they want. They choose not to.

Household Chores

Time to Clean the House
Me: I just took out the compost. If I clean the toilets, are you going to be able to stay away from them?
Austin: Sure.
A moment later.
Austin: For how long?
Me: An hour.
Austin: It’s a good thing we’ve got sinks.
Me: Take it outside, buddy, ‘cause I’m cleaning those too.

Cassie Peed

Austin: I took the dog out. She peed.
Me, meaning she'll still drag me out in two hours: That doesn’t really mean anything.
Austin: She peed a lot. I mean, it looks like it rained out there. I’m worried that the backyard will become a marsh.

Christmas Hints

Austin: I really want one of those stand-up-sit-down desks for work, but I just can’t justify getting one. I mean, $80 is too much. I’d really like to. The internet has all these sales, but even on sale, $80 is the best. I can’t spend that.
Me: I already told you, I already got your Christmas gift.

Tink Talking

I came into Austin’s room and bent down to pet the cat.
Me: Hi, Tink.
Austin: Hi.
Me, falsified shock: Tink, how masculine and—
Then I stopped myself.

Snoring

I got up at 6:00 a.m. Around 9:00, I went back to bed. When I rose again...
Austin: You slept for quite a while.
Me: You probably could hear me snoring all through the house.
Austin: I thought you were farting.

We'll Match

We invited Mom to go grocery shopping with us today.
Me: I don’t know when we’re leaving.
Mom: Let me know. I’ll go get dressed.
Austin: Wear your cheerleader costume so we’ll match.

Pumpkin Preserves

Austin, as we’re walking out to our car: Whoops! I didn’t even shut my door.
Me: Whoops.
Austin: Unless someone broke in to steal some of our chic groceries.
Me: Yeah, like the gourmet pumpkin preserves.
Austin: Hey, I spent good money on that. And that was a sale price. Someone’s going to appreciate getting that for Christmas.

Pillows

Austin bought a new mattress, so now he's in the market for a new pillow.

Austin, browsing pillows: I like a pillow that gives, not one that’s all puff.
Me: I like a husband that gives, but I got one that was all puff.

Have I...

Me: Have I told you I love you today?
Austin: No. I figured we’d wait till your mom got here.
Later.
Me: I don’t think I’ve said I love you yet.
Austin: Your mom isn’t looking. She’s checking out her receipt.

We waited until she was looking forward, then we gave each other a big, juicy kiss.

Mom: Oh yuck.

The Dirty Pan

Me, presenting a pan to Austin: Do you think I should throw it out? It seems like a lost cause. I’ve washed it three times.
Austin: I’ll get behind any decision you make.
Me, studying the pan, considering if it really should be thrown out.
Austin: About the pan.
I smirk.
Austin: Unless that decision is to hit me with it.

Left or Right

I took Mom down to Woodsville today to visit the grave of one of our relations. As we exited I-70.
Me: Left or right.
Mom: East.
Pause.
Me: Okay, do I turn left or right?

This is my real life, y'all.

The British Accent

Austin spent the morning watching Britain’s Best Bakery. And we are great lovers of Great British Baking Show. After finishing that binge, he flipped over to Dr. Who.

Austin: Now, when I hear a British accent, it makes me hungry.

Air Date

Me, distressed: Star Trek Discovery doesn’t have an air date for season three.
Austin: You can’t rush perfection.
Me: We can’t rush you either.
Austin: That’s right. Because I’m perfection.
Me: I said either to show you excluded from perfection.

Use a Straw

On our way to a gathering.

Me: I should go get dressed.
Austin: We have an hour yet.
Me: We should leave at 6:45. That’ll get us there at 7:15.
Austin, making a face.
Me: I know you have an aversion for being early.
Austin: Yeah. More time to stand around, drink liquids, have to use a public restroom. I have an aversion to public restrooms.
Me: All you have to do is whip it out. I have to actually sit down.
Austin: No, you don ‘t.
Me: I’m not going to squat and get urine everywhere.
Austin: You don’t have to squat. You can raise the seat, aim and point, use a straw.

Pedophilia

While at a local theatre, a teenager was sitting next to me. He kept taking over the arm rest and getting into my area of the seat.
So I complained to Austin.
Austin, running his finger up my arm: Start caressing him like this.
Me: That’ll get me thrown in jail. Pedophilia.
Austin: Love is never wrong.
Me: You haven’t been watching the news lately.

Dickens Village

Me: It’s a terrible thing, but I’m looking into long skirts for our Dickensian adventure in a couple of weeks.
Austin: Are we dressing up for the Dickens Village thing?
Me: Well, you’re wearing your top hat.
Austin: I don’t think so. There’ll be people dressed up and there’ll be mannequins. I don’t want to draw attention to myself. I just want to go as a normal person.
Me: That’s not possible.

 

Memory Foam Mattress

Austin: I was looking at memory foam mattresses. They’re really affordable.
Me: Your mattress isn’t a whole year old.
Austin: The reviews specifically talk about ankylosing spondylitis. These mattresses get rid of all kinds of pain.
Me: Then I want one so I can get rid of you.

It Hurts

Me: Does my hair need brushed?
Austin: It couldn’t hurt.
So I went to the bathroom to brush my hair and started screaming: It hurts!
Austin: Oh stop.
Me: If I have to listen to you go on about memory foam mattresses, you can put up with my dramatizations.
Austin: I’m just looking for a bed that will help with my ankylosing spondylitis. You don’t like to hear me complain about my suffering.
Me: I don’t care if you’re suffering. I just don’t want to hear about it.