Morbid

When I was young, my mom was a stay-at-home mom and she babysat everyone in the neighborhood. My best friend, a girl who lived up the street and twenty others. And from time to time, my best friends rowdy male cousins were among the lot.

Fast forward thirty-five years. My best friend's cousin has married the girl who lived up the street. They're incredibly happy. Unfortunately, the cousin developed heart problems and slowly died.

Mom and I returned from the funeral. Deep thoughts had enveloped me and the first thing I did when I got home was throw my arms around my husband. I was so thankful he was young, healthy, kind and that we were happy.

Me: I can't imagine losing my husband.

Austin: I thought you pictured my death all the time.

Me: Um. Yeah.

Austin: Oh, you were talking about your fantasy husband.

Me: That's right.

Lunch

Austin & I went to lunch with a couple of friends yesterday. As he’s talking to one friend, I’m telling the other friend my plans to hide Austin’s body. Really, if you hide a body well enough, you've gotten away with murder. No body, no crime. At the end of my colossal scheme, I hear Austin’s story.

Austin: I’ll go into Rachel’s room and put on her clothes and I’ll leave in the morning. Everyone will see that Rachel’s still alive. Then I’ll come home wearing my own clothes. No one will be the wiser.
Friend X: Are you both talking about your plans to murder the other one?
Austin and I trade glances.
Austin & I: Yeah, yes.

Tasia Revisited

I was rubbing Austin's ample stomach. Then I remembered our old joke.

Me: Has Tasia kicked lately?

Austin: She's going to kick your &^@

Sex

Me: So, when are you planning to have sex with me?

Austin: Shortly.

Me: Not size, when.

Chinese Food

Austin & I ate lunch at Lucky Bamboo and shared a pot of tea. And the trips to the bathroom began.
Me: Man, I have to use the restroom again. I went before we left the restaurant, but tea just shoots through me.
Austin: I thought bamboo shoots through you.

Kids

Have I mentioned that Austin & I don't want kids? Well, every blue moon, we have to go to a pageant or a production featuring children and today was one of those days.

Austin: Some of those kids were so cute. For just a second, just a brief second—
Me: No.
Austin: I thought about grabbing one and running off with it, but I figured I’m out of shape and the parents would catch me.

Yes, It's This Joke Again

Austin: Loni and Megen need to borrow our stud finder.
Me: Okay.
Austin: So, I’m going to send you over to their house.
Me: But I failed.
Austin: You found me.
I smacked him for good measure.

Wilson Cemetery

Driving past Wilson Cemetery, I noticed that they had a new granite sign that was etched with the cemetery name and the established date.
Me: That sign is nice.
Austin: I like it better when they advertise. Like, “We’re the best cemetery around. Just ask our clients.”

Number Two

Austin: Rachel said the other day she couldn't love me more than she does.

Mom, to Austin: Just remember, I’m number one. You’re number two.
Austin: That’s what Rachel always says. I’m number two. But she uses much more colorful words.

Take the Dog Out

Cassie was whining to go out. It was 7:00 a.m.
Me: It was 5:00 a.m. when I took her out, so she probably needs to go again. But I’m going to go take a shower now.
Austin: It’s going to be hard for you to take the dog out while you’re in the shower.

Struggle Meals

Austin & I were watching Struggle Meals. Cooking when you’re a millennial with no money. The guy has a drawer of condiment packets and it's corny, corny, corny. Can we say masa? It's corny.
Me: Looks like the kind of cooking show you’d have.
Austin: So, you’d marry that guy?
Me: No, I’ve learned my lesson. 

I couldn't find the copyright. I took the image from YouTube.

Cheese

Me: By the way, I don’t like the cheese we got yesterday.
Austin: What didn’t you like?
Me: Well, at first it tasted like Swiss, but then it tasted like vomit.

Fun With Directions

Me, Mom and Austin just came from the Melita School breakfast. Instead of turning onto 62, Austin kept going down the back road.
Me: Are you taking Mom home before stopping at Sugar and Spice?
Austin: Yeah. And I don’t really know how to go that way.
Mom starts cracking up from the back seat.
Me: If you had just turned right, that would have taken you directly to 13.
Mom: It’s a wonder that he made it out of school.
Me: It’s a wonder we’re still married. 

Just so you comprehend, Austin was taking the blue route. He should have taken the gray route to the deli. Mom lives at the green X. We live at the red X. The gray route is on the main road. The blue is winding back roads that only insane people and Amish traverse.

Beauty Sleep

Austin was whining about taking our dog out at 7:00 a.m. Austin was pleading his case to Mom.
Me: I took her out at 5:00 a.m.
Austin: I take her out at 5:00 a.m. on the weekdays. On the weekends, I should be allowed to sleep in.
Me: I shouldn’t be allowed to sleep in on the weekends?
Austin: I take her out on the weekdays. I do it oh so quietly so my beautiful wife can get her beauty sleep.
Mom: It’s not working.

See? Mom doesn’t just take potshots at Austin. It’s a free for all.

Tortellini Soup

Every time I make something with celery, Austin complains that it’s too crunchy. After eating some tortellini soup I made this afternoon, I knew Austin would complain.
Me: Just so you know, even though I cooked the celery for over fifteen minutes while making the soup, it’s still pretty crunchy.
Austin: When I have some, I’ll be sure to scream, ‘Ouch, my teeth!’
Me: What teeth?

Dinner

I came in and the fragrance of lasagna wafted through the air.
Me: It’s so nice to come home and smell dinner cooking.
Austin, shifting his eyes: Turnip has gotten especially fat and she was by the oven, so I thought she’d make a good meal.

More Fun With Beards

Austin: The guys at work do so many funny things with their beards, braid them, put beads in them, dye them strange colors.

Me, not caring.

Austin: I could be like the guys at work. I could dye my beard.

Me, still not caring.

Austin: What color should I dye my beard?
Me: Clear.

Shaving

Austin was shaving his neck. Then he started shaving his cheeks, careful not to get close to his beard.
Me: You missed a spot.
Austin: Where?
I indicated his whole face.

The Expanse

Me: Are you still watching the Expanse?
Austin: I can’t decide if I like it or not.
Me: What episode are you on?
Austin: Eight. 

Love Letters Continued

Me: These are all the love letters I used to write to Austin. We used to have a joke that Austin had a secret admirer.
Austin: Yeah, that was pretty funny.
Mom: Anyone being in love with Austin is pretty funny.

Love Letters

Austin was cleaning out his glove box and had all these love letters I’d written to him strewn about. I seized on one, read it.
Austin: I kept all the love letters you wrote me.
Me: I haven’t written you a love letter for a while.
Austin: Well, now that we’re married, I’d throw it out.
Me, punch him.
Austin: I’m kidding. I’d put it in the recycle bin. 

 

Blown Away

Austin & I watching Blown Away on Netflix. Glass making. Surprisingly good. And occasionally, I'd get a little snicker from it.
Me: This is the only show where they say blow harder and it’s innocent.
Austin: What about glory hole? That’s not what I thought it was.

Marriage = Work

I was eating lunch with my mother, a friend and my beloved husband.

Mom: Marriage is a lot of work.

Me: Exactly. I'm only doing it once.

Friend: I'm never doing it again.

Mom: Me either.

Austin: I could do it again.

In the Olden Days

The Curse of the Age Gap strikes again.

Austin needs a new book to read and was going through my sci-fi/fantasy shelf to see if there was anything he was interested in.
Austin: You’ve got the book Clash of the Titans.
Me: Yeah.
He starts flipping through the pages.
Austin: Nah, the movie came first. It’s even got pictures from the movie in it.
Me: I don’t know.
Austin: You don’t know?
Me: You want to argue about buying books versus reading books?
Austin: I’ve never heard of putting out a book based on a movie.
Me: It was actually common in the ‘seventies. I used to have Freaky Friday, Oh Heavenly Dog, Return from Witch Mountain...
Austin: That’s ridiculous.
Me: Back then, you didn’t have DVDs and streaming for every movie. If you wanted to enjoy a movie over and over, you needed to buy the book.
Austin: And in the winter, when you’re cold, burn it in a fire—?
Me: It’s astounding that you’re still alive.

Google Assistant

Me: Hey Google, if 3 over 5 equals X over 9, what is X.
Google: I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
Me: Hey, Google, divide 9 by 5.
Google: 1.8.
Me: Hey Google, multiply 3 by 1.8.
Google: 5.4.
Me: You're like talking to Austin sometimes.

Bedroom Latches

We don’t allow the animals in our bedrooms. I was doing laundry this morning. Austin had left a load of whites in the dryer. I took the basket up to his room, but he’d latched the door to keep the cats out. Of course, I knocked till he opened up.
Me: We’ve got to find a way for you to latch your door so that Mouse can’t get in, but I can.
Austin: I don’t really want you in here either.

Close Enough

Giving Austin a big hug before toddling off to bed.
Me, muffed into his shoulder: You’re wonderful.
Austin: Did you just say I was awful?
Me: Close enough.

A Walk

Austin: Want to go for a walk?
Me: Sure. I’ve got to put on my shoes.
Austin: I’ve got to put on some pants.
Me: Nah. Give the neighbors a thrill.

New Oven

For Christmas, Austin & I bought a new oven together. Austin put some fake-bakes into it, to christen it. The odor was overwhelming.
Austin: The manual said the oven would smell of chemicals the first time we use it. It will cause the cookies to mutate and become evil. If you eat them, your insides will ooze out of your ears and your brain will implode.
Me: I’ll take that risk.

Post-Christmas Clean-Up

Austin: Have I told you today that I love you?
Me: You could show me by helping me pick up all these boxes and putting away the Christmas stuff.
Austin: Nah. I’ll just say it.

Seis Manos

Austin was explaining Seis Manos to me.
Me: You’re telling me this like I care. To me, this is like your anime crap.
Austin: This is anime.
Me, stunned a moment: It’s anime, but set in Mexico? I’ve never heard of an anime set in Mexico.
Austin: It’s a Netflix original anime.
Me: Hmmm. I don’t consider that a real Japanese anime.
Austin: It’s not a real Japanese anime. Anime is just a style of animation. Japanese anime are either for adults or children. I don’t like real Japanese anime. I’ve seen all the ones that I like. This one is new. I haven’t decided if I like this one or not. But it has blood, and murder, and drugs, all the stuff I like in my cartoons.