English Roast

 Austin brought home 5 lbs of English roast.
Me: Do you want me to make all of that?
Austin: I can do it. You don’t have to worry about it.
Me, worried about it: I don’t mind. I just want to know if you want to have all 5 lbs or if you want me to save some for later.
Austin: All of it, but I can do it.
Me, commencing to do it: It’s fine. I’ll do it.
Austin: What you really mean is you don’t trust me to do it.
Me: You know me so well.

Flatulence

 Me, having farted.

Austin: Wow, when I hear a sound like that, it makes me want to let out a mating call.

Austin then demonstrates some duck calls.

Me: I’ve mated with an idiot.

Our Oven Is Lit

While baking pies for Christmas, I switched on the oven light to check on the pies.
Me: I’m so glad we've got an oven light on our oven. I love that.
Austin: Our oven is lit.
Face palm.

Wrapping

Me: I’m done wrapping your family’s gifts. Is there anything else I need to wrap?
Austin: You need to wrap your arms around me.
Me: Haven’t I done enough?

Wrapping Presents

Austin: I’m so bad at wrapping presents. Will you help me?
Me: Of course.
So guess who’s wrapping Christmas presents while Austin watches TV?

Rudolph

It’s time to put my hair in the Rudolph bun again. Unfortunately, the eye broke and I needed some cardboard to fix it. I grabbed this old Charley’s card out of the trash, cut a square, fixed the eye and discarded the card to the counter. Austin held the card up to me as a question.
Me: I used it to fix the eye. You can throw it out.
Austin: I just wanted to be sure.
Me: You were there when I fixed it.
Austin: I just wanted to be sure you weren’t going to use it for murder.
Me: How?
Austin: I’ve been watching a lot of Murder, She Wrote. I pay attention to these details. This kind of thing can solve a murder.

That’s really me in the bottom. You can tell because it’s a bad photo.

Soppressata

I know, I make fun of Austin a lot. A LOT. But Austin is very well educated. His mother and oldest brother are also educated and even somewhat refined.

I don't know what happened with Austin's brother Pete. Pete's fiancee is worse. The first time we met her, she was telling us about being a model (she's over 200 lbs. and is 5'). We're guessing this was a long time ago.

Nevertheless, his fiancee frequently posts pictures of herself modeling bathing suits and lingerie on FB. She would make any Wal-Mart hillbilly proud.

As with all men, Austin's male relations are impossible to buy for, so we always get a pile of soppressata for them. When we were divvying up Christmas gifts, it turned out we had an extra package of sliced soppressata.

Austin: What are we supposed to do with this?

Me: Give it as a gift.

Austin: Yeah, but we've got enough for Toby, Pete, Doug...

Me: We never give enough to Pete's hick fiancee.

Austin: Yeah, but it's sliced. Will she even know what to do with it?

Me: She'll use them as pasties. And post pictures on FB.

Dinner Part 2

 Me: That chicken was so awful. You can make chocolate chip cookies to make it up to me. And bring me some tea.

Austin: What make it up to you? I had to eat that chicken too.

Dinner

 Austin is making dinner diligently right now.

Me: What did you put on this chicken?

Austin: Why? What does it taste like?

Me: Grape pop.

Where’s My Mind?

 While walking the dog.

Austin: Cassie, I forgot to give you your medicine this morning. Where is my mind?

Me: Ho ho ho. It’s close enough to Christmas, I won’t answer that.

Overtime Extravaganza

 Austin: I know you’re working ten hour days right now and driving forty minutes each direction, but when you have a day off, I’d appreciate it if you’d call the vet to find out what flea medicine we bought for Cassie last time.

I love him***

Also please note that the one day I have off a week is Saturday. 

Star Trek the Musical

When I saw this meme, I laughed my lily white *(@&* off. Naturally, I showed it to Austin.

Austin: I’d go see it.

Do I Have To?

 With working so many hours, I’ve been exhausted. On our usual night for adult time, Austin headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

Me: I’m really tired, Bubby. I don’t feel like sex. But if you still want me to @&^#, I’ll be happy to do that. I just don’t think I’m up for sex.

Austin: Oh no. If you don’t feel like sex, then I don’t want you to *&@(. That wouldn’t be fair to you.

Me: I’m fine &((@ you. I just want you to be happy.

Austin: I am happy. It’s fine. Since you’re not up for sex, we can just spend some time together and talk.

Me, whining: Do I have to? Can’t I just (*&()&&*# and be done?

Special Olympics

 Austin was planning to go see a friend of ours, who happens to be in a wheelchair. We’ve mentioned her before. 

Austin: I’m really looking forward to seeing X, but I’m also thinking of cutting my visit short so I can play my video game.

Me: X isn’t as important as your video game?

Austin: It’s not that. It’s just, when you play the game, if you don’t finish the game, when you come back, you forget your strategy, the boss is harder to beat, it changes the outcome.

Me: So X can’t keep up with your game. Is it because she’s in a wheelchair?

Austin & I are both going to hell. X would also laugh if she heard me say that.

Forged in Fire 2

After watching a partizan suffer a catastrophic bend:

 Austin: You know, we see catastrophic failures on these weapons every other episode. Just once, I want to see the weapon cause a catastrophic injury. Doug Marcaida, his arm hanging from his shoulder socket, “It will keal.”

Slow...

 Me: My order from Turtle Tee just shipped.

Austin, not caring.

Me: I ordered it last Thursday!

Austin: You ordered it on a Black Friday sale. They’re busy.

Me: I have worked at more than one place that can get orders out within 24 hrs. Even on Black Friday.

Austin, ignoring me again.

Me: That’s ridiculous.

Austin: I think it’s hysterical that you’re complaining about how slow a place called TURTLE tee is.

Forged in Fire

 Our new family favorite is Forged in Fire. Every time we get together for a family dinner, we kick on the TV and turn on Forged in Fire so we can see the blacksmiths making their knives and see Doug Marcaida making puns and wielding the blades. On this particular episode, Doug was mercilessly slashing boars.

Austin: When I die, I want to donate my body to Forged in Fire. Doug Marcaida will plunge a knife into my chest, decapitate my body. Then he will say, “It will keal.” 

Hot Tea

Watching Great British Baking Show. 

Austin: I thought a pasty was what those exotic dancers wear on their breasts.

Me: Do you want to wear my hot tea?

Austin: Only if it makes me a hottie.

You’ll Like It

 Since I’m working an obscene number of hours right now, Austin has been handling the cooking and cleaning.

Austin takes a taste of some potatoes that he threw together for dinner and starts gagging.

I look up from my spot, concern showing on my face.

Austin: You’ll like them.