Coffee Machine

 Austin’s new thing is to thank me daily for the Nespresso machine.

Austin: Thank you for my coffee machine. I love it.

Me: You love that coffee machine more than you love me.

Austin: No. You gave me the coffee machine. If this coffee machine breaks, you might get me another coffee machine. You might be worth three or four coffee machines.

Toilet

 Our toilet seat on the toilet broke. We looked into buying a new one, but they’re like $50. 

Me: When I was walking a Tess, I saw a toilet sitting out by the road. It’s an enlongated seat like ours, so the seat cover would fit. But it’s not going to just come off. I’ll need to go back with a screwdriver and pliers. I’m going to do it after dark so the neighbors won’t see.

Austin: No, we’re not. It’s a minor break. We’ll glue it. We’re not stealing—

Me: It was in the trash, so it’s not stealing.

Coffee vs. Brains

 Austin has had his Nespresso machine for a while now and he had his freshly brewed-milk frothed cup under his nose, inhaling deeply. But it’s technically his Christmas present.

Austin: Just smell that aroma.

Me: I’m allergic.

Austin: Coffee contains brain cells.

Me: If that were the case, all people who drank coffee would be brilliant and all of us nondrinkers would be rubes. You want me to tell you my IQ again?

Austin: Nah, there’s brain cells here. I take a deep breath and brain cells start plumping, pumping. My body begins to function. All with the addition of coffee.

Me: Again, if this were true, we wouldn’t have to worry about the zombie apocalypse. We’d just stockpile coffee beans.

Austin: Maybe you should write to the producers of Walking Dead, let them know.

Me: Better idea. Let’s write to Washington, require coffee there.

Chocolate Discount

 Anyone who reads this blog knows that I have a chocolate obsession, right?

So I was placing my order from *pricey designer chocolate company* and I applied the coupon their website was advertising, 15%, a savings of $27, then I tried to apply my rewards coupon I had earned. $10. It removed the coupon their site was advertising. I had $180 of chocolate in my shopping bag. And I qualified for free shipping.

!!!!!

I didn’t let it deter me. I placed an order for $80, qualified for free shipping and the 15% discount, saved $10.50 with the promo. And magically, my rewards points amount went up and I then qualified for a $20 rewards coupon. I decided to place the order for just over $100, used the $20 reward coupon on it. Saved $20. Plus qualified for free shipping. 

Me, relating the story to Austin: If they had let me use both the coupon and my rewards promo, I would have saved $37 and they would have been charged for shipping and handling on one order. Instead, they had to give me free shipping on two orders and I saved $30. Not as much of a savings for me, but it cost their company. And I would have had another rewards certificate for the future to bring me back. They must think their customers are stupid.

Austin: Yeah, anyone who goes through all that trouble over $200 of chocolate is probably stupid to them.

Christmas Tee

 

I was already dressed when Austin came into the kitchen this morning.

Austin started gnawing on my neck, like hickey level. So I started to chaw on him.

Austin: I’m just doing what your shirt says.

Me, looking down at my shirt. This is it.

FB Memory

So this came up on my FB memories: 

Austin: I know you’re working ten hour days right now and driving forty minutes each direction, but when you have a day off, I’d appreciate it if you’d call the vet to find out what flea medicine we bought for Cassie last time.

I love him***

Also please note that the one day I have off a week is Saturday. 

End memory.

So I was laughing and telling Austin the memory.

Austin: It’s sounds like I was really considerate. I recognized you were working ten hour days and that you had over an hour each day in your commute and I apologized for the inconvenience this was going to cause you. 

Ethel & the iPad

I needed my iPad, so I tried to take it. Ethel is offended. Fine, I don’t need it that badly.

An hour later, I still needed it, but Ethel looked so comfy. Fine, I don’t need it that badly.

Finally, I need the iPad, Ethel. It’s been two hours. Give it up, tough. She’s not speaking to me now.

 

Pink Glitter

 I may have found the perfect Christmas tee. I just had to get it.

Me: I officially have too many Christmas tees. I’m not allowed to buy anymore Christmas tees unless it’s super-cute, like pink glitter starts shooting out of my ears cute.

Austin: You had too many Christmas tees last year and you said you weren’t allowed to buy anymore Christmas tees last year.

Me: Unless they’re super-cute. That’s why I added the addendum, about glitter shooting out of my ears. If pink glitter shot out of my ears for any length of time, people would see it and the government would want to run tests on me and they would take me away and lock me in a lab and you would never see me again. Then who would catch spiders and put them outside for you? See, super-cute Christmas tees only exception. I’ll just have to start wearing them earlier, like April.

In case you care, this is the shirt. You can get it from teeturtle.com

Christmas

 I admit it. I’m racking my brains for a Christmas gift for Austin this year. I can’t think of anything. Well, I can think of a few things, but nothing I sincerely want to spend money on. Nothing that glimmers and rings that magical bell.

Austin: X (sister-in-law) keeps talking about massages and pedicures. She goes on and on about deprivation chambers.

Me: Your life is a deprivation chamber.