Plastic Surgery

Me: I wish there was another way, a new way, a different way to show you how much I love you.

Austin: You could get me plastic surgery so I could look like Emun Elliott.

Me, extended pause: How's this me showing you that I love you?

Austin: You could pay for it.

Me: That'd be a lot, like thousands. You'd have to have your face widened, your jaw widened, your nose widened. And your skin would have to be darker. Your eyes brown. Your hair too. I don't think there's any plastic surgery that can permanently change your eye color or your hair color.

Austin: I could be Emun Elliott with long, dazzling blond hair.

Me: That'd make him look like a drag queen.

Socks

Yesterday, Austin gave me a package of socks. A really cute trio, dogs on one pair, argyle on another, then a block pattern.
Me, to my coworkers: They're so cute. Austin's not for sale today. I'm sure in a few days, he'll be for sale again, but not today.
When I got home, Austin was pouring bleach down the sink. Foolishly, I thought it's the first of the month and he was helping me with the chore of cleaning the drains and the toilets.
Austin: The sink is clogged.
I groaned, plunged, etc. Drain is still clogged today. Mom came in with the mail. I was telling her about the socks. Then she asked me about why I was plunging the sink.
Me: Well, the sink was clogged and then Austin put his coffee grounds down the sink. Could. Have. Killed. Him.
Mom, snickering: So, Austin is for sale again today? Half price, right?

Washing Dishes 3 Avril 2010

 Notice the date, 3 Avril 2010 (oui, mon FB est en francais). On April 3, 2017, Austin took out the trash. Again. He just took it out two weeks ago. I now assume he's going to take the trash out voluntarily once a month. I no longer count, because he does it regularly.

Helping me with household chores must be an unknown anniversary thing. (Technically, our dating anniversary is 4/22, but I'll take it.)


I think this is a new way to kill me, slowly shocking me to death.

Orders

Austin, coming in with a package: This is the order I place on Sunday. My order from Wednesday still hasn't shown up, but X said it was on the reconciliation report.
Me: What?
Austin: That means it's probably short.
Me: Ah, man, that sucks.
Austin: Yeah, I had two clearance items and used three reward certificates.
Me: Yeah, that's awful.
Austin: But X will make it right. I'm just concerned about the clearance items. Even so, I'll still reorder the rest. X will just have to fix it. And she loves me. She'll take care of it. And if she doesn't--
Me, expecting uber-threat.
Austin: I won't wave at her or smile at her in the hallway anymore.
Me, mystified: That's the best you've got?
Austin: Well, yeah. Can you imagine how upset she'd be if I didn't smile, wave or talk to her in the hallways anymore?
Me: Why don't you threaten to move in with her? That would actually scare her.
Austin, faking a pout.

Dog Food

Austin & I are buying more community property, a food processor. I did the research, the best one for us for the price, looked at Good Housekeeping and customer reviews. 

Austin: I'm so excited. Now we'll be able to make our very own dog food.
Me: Our very own food out of the dog.
Austin: You read my mind. Stop doing that.
Me: But there's so little to read.
Austin: Oh, wah-wah-wah.

One Minute

Austin was still in bed, but we were planning to go out at noon. I saw that the clock read 11:00, so I went to wake him.
Austin: Eleven, really?
Me: Yes.
Austin, reaching for his cell, which says 10:59: See?
Me: Oh my gracious! The clocks in our house aren't synchronized!
Alarm goes off.
Austin, lying back down: Just for that, I'm getting my minute back.

April Fool's Day

OK, so I don't usually post links on this blog, but I'm so going to pull at least one of these on Austin.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/genius-april-fools-day-pranks-your-kids-will-totally-fall